Sami And The City

Operation Re Launch!

2009-06-02T09:00:00.000+01:00

TODAY.

12:00 GMT.

A NEW ADVENTURE BEGINS.

CHECK IT OUT AT:

HTTP://SIMPLYSAMII.BLOGSPOT.COM

This Is What I Know Now.

2009-03-23T00:33:00.000Z

Well, this entry is going to be my last for a while. It's a goodbye to you, my readers, and to a few others who will read between the lines and hopefully understand.

I'm stopping writing here for a while because my entries seem to have become more about my personal life than I had hoped. That's not what I started this blog for. So, I'm going to take some time out, get to know myself and write things my way. I'll probably move sites or re-do this one and start again, but don't worry I'll keep you updated when progress is made.

So, I titled this entry 'This is What I know Now' because over the past few months, I have learnt a hell of a lot and well, in this goodbye, there are things that I know now, things that I will take with me wherever I go. I guess, in some ways, I expected the things I know now, and in some I didn't. But that's one of the things I know now, that you should expect the unexpected, things will happen regardless of whether you want them to or not and although you should try and find the best in people, to have a little faith in humanity, people will let you down and hurt you and that's just something none of us can escape.

Another thing about people is that they come and they go. It's kind of something that happens in life. You made friends in primary school and secondary and with every moment within your life, and then you say Goodbye to those people and meet new ones. That is what has happened, or well, is happening in my life at the moment. It's not that we want to stop being friends, it's just that we've changed. I took a big leap out of people's lives and other people stepped in to fill my place and people have filled theirs. That's just how it goes. So, we get up and we move on because that's the only thing we can do. And sure, I might not have as much fun as I used to, or I might not do the things I used to do, but I do different things and I have different fun. It's kind of what growing up is.

Other people in your life might not understand what you're doing or saying, or even understand you at all, no one said you had to make sense, but one day in the future they might experience something similar and then they'll understand that you did what you had to do. Yes, I am sorry that things have to happen this way, but they just do because I can't be who I was and I can't pretend, so I'm getting up, walking away and moving on and you will do it too and maybe we'll stop and chat when we see each other in the street and we will still have that connection, or that coffee, for old times sake but that's all it will ever be. And yes, I'm aware that these new people are going to hurt and upset me, hell they already have, but like I said, that's what happens.

So this is what I know now. I know that we're all changing and we have to let each other go in order to move forward. I know that we will all look back with fondness and cherish each memory and the time that we have shared. I also know that we will look forward with a smile, that we will move on and learn that this is how life goes. I also know, that we wish each other well. So, react to this if you want, but this is how I feel and I won't apologise for that. I don't know what else to say about this situation, I wish you all well my friends.

The final thing I know now is, this is goodbye and I will return when I've made progress and fixed some things that need to be fixed. So, take care and enjoy!

Sami & The City.

Mistakes & Rewriting.

2009-03-10T02:00:00.004Z

As I write this, it has just turned 2am, I am in the University Library and I'm supposed to be doing work on Feminist Media Theory. I've given up for the night and I'm simply waiting on my housemate to finish her work so we can walk back together, in the pouring rain nonetheless.

It is not often I contemplate how my life is, I tend to just go with whatevers flowing, for I know that when I take the two steps back and look at it, I get one of those, wtf feelings, how did I end up here and now and what the hell did I do that for, you know?

But some recent events have lead me along this path, after highly considering leaving Uni I had to contemplate what else to do with my life and really, I don't know what my options are. There are times in life when I would love to jump on a plane, move forward and never look back. Although I say it, I know I will never do it, although the goodbyes will be hard, I'd prefer to stay on the good side of my family and friends so we can keep in touch wherever in the world I chose to be. Anyway, that's not really what my point is.

A few weeks back, I was told twice in one week that I was a mistake. Now, I didn't like being thought of as a mistake and it was quite a hurtful comment but hey, that's how those people view me. I was simply a mistake, a thing that happened that shouldn't have and now they are moving on to so-called "bigger and better things". Well, their loss really isn't it? If you're going to view me as a piece of vermon on your mistakes list, then clearly you aren't worth my time in the first place. Although, I hate to admit it, I do take great pleasure in knowing that I had them first and everyone else is my sloppy seconds. Hate to break it to you, darling, but it's the truth, so go ahead and hate me and make me a mistake. Better to be a mistake than to be a fool.

As well as considering how I'm a mistake, I've considered how and if I could maybe correct this view of myself in that person's eyes. This caused me to think about who I am to different people and how I acted toward them. With an old friend popping back into my life, the timing could not have been better to conisder this. Every week in our lives can be seen as another chapter in the book that is being written that documents who and what we are and how we chose to live. Sometimes the chapter lasts more than one week and somtimes the chapter closes and we store it away, with our feelings amongst it.

Sometimes we decide to trash that chapter and never think about it again, put it in the garbage can so to speak. However, every once in a while through some magical, divine, or supernatual power, a chapter can re-open or be re-written. We can re-write our story, right the wrongs, correct the fine print and spelling mistakes and make that chapter one that helps make the book onto the best-seller list. So at the end of the day, I might be a mistake in one chapter of your life, but maybe one day, I'll right that wrong, I'll be somebody who made a difference, who made you see something differently and if not, then well, at least I'm god damn something, eh?

It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, or so they say :P.

Define Yourself.

2009-02-24T19:17:00.002Z

Recently, I've been thinking about who I am, about all the things that define me. For example, I'm a girl, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a lover, a writer, a student, a blogger and many other things. I've been going through each of these things then in turn and seeing how well I fit into that category. Some of them are obvious, the girl for example. Others are a little more complicated, like calling myself a writer.

Sure, I write things, but most of the time they sit there and stare back at me and no one else ever gets to see them. So my plan for improvement is to write more and be a better writer and share my work with those around me and eventually, with the world in general. That way when someone asks me how to define myself and I say 'I'm a writer' I will have some proof of that to show to that person.

The real thing that's been bothering me about who I am as a person is the fact that people seem to throw fits because I'm being myself. Take a recent example, I got a little annoyed about something and now the whole dynamic of the group has changed and how people see me has changed. I'm still me, I always was me, I just happened to show the side of me where I got annoyed at something. You can't deny that people get annoyed, it's a course of nature, If I do something that pisses you off, obviously you're going to get pissed off, you know what I'm saying?

I took the better approach to the situation and I apologised for being a dickhead about it, in hope that some sort of rectification of the situation would improve the mood all-round, but after that things got worse. If we go with the old saying, things get worse before they get better, that's how I feel right now. There's still something in the pit of my stomach that tells me that things aren't right, that the way we function is now dysfunctional. You know when things change and how you know it can't ever be the same again? That's how this situation seems to be and I guess I'm a little a sad, or nostalgic or something, but it just doesn't feel right. I feel like I'm the one who's gone and screwed us all over because it was me who got annoyed, maybe I'm paranoid because everyone else is just getting on with it and I'm trying to do the same, but it's still eating away at me.

Maybe It's just because I care too much, or I'm simply a "headcase" as some would describe it, regardless, I'm trying my hardest to get on with it, but it bothers me to no end and I've been close to getting up and walking away from everything I've built, but my sensibility stops me (thank god for that!). So, I guess I just needed to get this off my chest, to say, Here I am, this is me and I won't apologise for that and so rather appropriately, I'm going to leave you with this;

"Never apologise for showing feeling, for when you do, you apologise for the truth"

Growing Up

2009-02-19T16:25:00.000Z

I know I am bad at keeping this place up to date. I also know I'm not the best blogger in the world or at all. I don't remember the reason why I started this at all, but I guess I feel like I should keep it going because it's the one place where I can be honest. It's the one place where I can reach out to people in a way that doesn't involve confrontation or screaming or anything ridiculous. I have considered shutting this place down though, my feelings on that are not yet decided.

There has been a lot of drama going on in my life lately, a week's worth to be exact and I'm exhausted in all forms. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I took the constructive course of action though, I made the decision to be the better person, to rectify the situations and take responsibility for my own actions. I guess there's honesty in that. I'm just fed up with being angry, fed up and pissed off. I'm so over it. We hurt people and we get hurt, it's what happens and we just have to learn to deal with that whichever way we can.

So that's what I'm doing. Dealing with it in my way. I might be hurt or upset, but I'm taking the course of action that helps me. I'm enjoying myself with my friends and just trying to live. I want to be happy. I want to be a better, happy, stronger person and that takes courage. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm growing up now. I'm 19 years old and I would have said I was pretty grown up beyond my years, but in all honesty, I'm not.

This time last year, I was a lost little girl. People have since came into my life and taught me valuable life lessons, ones that come to play in everyday situations. Things have happened in my life, maybe not the way I would have hoped it to go, but it happened and I'm here and I'm dealing with it, in a mature grown up kind of way. Sometimes, I'll get mad and angry and upset, but that's human nature and for that, I hope I can be forgiven.

I don't really have a point with this entry, I just wanted to make a post, to let you know I'm changing, I'm not the person I once was, I'm growing up, becoming who I'm supposed to be and I hope that you can still accept me for who I am, regardless of whatever changes within me or whatnot. I once read that the key to happiness is to accept yourself before others can accept you, love yourself before others can love you and you will become the most desired and desirable person you can be.

So here I go and try to accept myself, love myself for who I am, flaws included, in hope, that happiness will follow, and if it doesn't? I'm sure there'll be a valuable life lesson in the journey somewhere. So wherever you are, whoever you are, I hope that you are happy today and everyday for the rest of your life for that, is the most desirable feeling of all.

"So, This is My Life..."

2009-02-11T19:29:00.002Z

"I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be".

This describes how I feel right now :).

I promise a better update when I can be bothered/have time/am not drunk.

Life's Journey.

2009-01-28T14:43:00.001Z

These past few days have been stressful and exhausting and my plan of going back to Uni and not worrying about anything epic failed in a most spectacular fashion.

I *almost* got kicked out of my house for something I didn't do, but somehow managed to get out of it which I am 100% thankful and appreciative of. Now, all I have to do is worry about my housemate who is in a very similar situation.

Suprisingly, I've been back at Uni for three days and have not yet attended class, I had friends find out the info I needed though so I know whats going on - friends are win ;P.

I am feeling rather pensive right now, due to the fact that it's Sunny out, there is a nice breeze blowing and birds chirping too. It feels like a nice summer afternoon, all we need is a barbecue followed by some ice cream and a trip to the beach - all which are probably possible.

I'm trying my damnedest not to think about all the men involved in my life at the moment - those who have come and gone, those who are still lingering around, those of recent days and those who I actually feel for. It's damn hard though when you have time on your hands and nothing to fill it with.

Maybe I should allow myself time to think about it, sort it all out in my head, or maybe I should just get some rest, then have some fun and chillax with some friends. I just don't know how I should feel, and I wish someone else would tell me how they feel too, so maybe I could find a reaction that lets me know what to feel.

I guess I should just go with the flow and let whatever happens, happen. After all, it's not about the destination, it's about the journey.

What A Week!

2009-01-12T11:07:00.004Z

You know, it's only been 9 days since my last post and it feels like forever. So much has happened since then, mainly in the past few days.

I had my first exam last week which went suprisingly well for having not revised and reading up on the books on sparknotes the night before. Ohh yeah look at me go :P. I also had an exam this morning, which I finished within the first hour and left as soon as I could. I'm currently in the Uni library waiting on all the other dudes to finish so we can go for lunch and do fun things.

My exams are now over and my coursework is basically done, I just have to print some stuff and then put the audio files on a disk and we'll be flying. This means I can come on Wednesday since I can hand in my coursework early. Yay, an extra day of tidying and preparing for the weekend. I'm having a party bisnatches, you know where it's at. If you want an invite, talk to me :P.

Now my exams are over and coursework's done, theres only one thing left for me to worry about. The disaplinary interview I have tomorrow morning, to do with the small fire that may have occured in my Uni house. Yeah, it's hilairous isn't it? I did laugh, but now I'm worried, I shall live, though possibly not in that house anymore (yeah, it's that serious!).

You know, only I could make it through the first semester with a broken bed, several hundred water fights, a formal warning for a party and a small fire in my house. You wanna try? Go for it. But trust me, the trouble and worrying definitely isn't worth it!

Kryptonite

2009-01-03T18:05:00.003Z

Last night, in a drunken slumber, a friend and I were chatting endlessly about life, death and everything in between. We got onto the delightful topic of relationships and started spilling our guts and our hearts - or whats left of them rather.

We started using some rather strange sayings, that maybe not everyone will understand but the general idea is there and if you are really incompetent then google is your best friend.

He described one of his relationships with someone to be like Kryptonite. A relationship that is entirely bad for you, but you can't seem to escape it. It's always there, finding a way to wrap itself into your life and kill you small inches at a time. In the end though, superman always survives, so I guess the moral of the story is, we will survive that chip of Kryptonite that is injected into our skin regardless of the pain or the amount of time it's left inside us.

It made me realise, like superman's kryptonite and Edward Cullen's heroin, we all have our weaknesses. Be it a shiny green crystal, or a human girl. None of us are perfect, we're all flawed and scarred and all we're really trying to do is live. The world is one large screwed up place and all we can do is try to survive as best we can while fulfilling our own needs as well as deal with whatever life throws in our way.

None of us get out of this alive and when you think about it like that, it makes you wonder why you bother worrying and stressing out half the time. But we do it anyway, because we're only human and that's just how we work. I don't really know what my point is to be honest, I just feel that this needed to be said.

It brings to mind the Sunscreen song, which was actually a speech given to an alumni class but has been put to music by Baz Luhrman. If you're having one of those human days when you feel shitey about everything, I suggest you give this song a listen. It may or may not help, but I enjoy it so maybe it's worth a try, right?

Oh and, Happy 2009 my friends, may this year be better and brighter for all of us :)

Here Comes 2009

2008-12-29T02:32:00.000Z

Well, I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and that Santa was good :). I've been doing a bit of thinking lately and as you do around this time of year, some reflection. My life has recently taken some unexpected turns but they've made me feel better and eased my sense of unease if you get me. I was writing a private journal entry just the other day, when a whole load of stuff came out unexpectedly and so I'm going to paste it here because I feel it is apt. Before I do that, I want to wish you a Happy New Year and may 2009 be a better and brighter year for all of us and I will see you in January :).

Talking of the New Year, I have big plans for 2009 and lots of them. Nanowrimo taught me something that I never thought I would learn. Every year, thousands of us make resolutions, that we plan to do something different, be someone different, try new things, loose weight, meet new people and every year most of us fail at those things because we don't try, or we run out of time or life just gets in the way. The thing is, if you really wanted to do those things, you would say bollocks to any excuse your brain comes up with and do them anyway. It's not about saying you'll do them and writing them down, it's about putting your actions where your mouth is, it's about determination.

Never in my life did I think I would write a 50 000 word novel, but I did and it's sitting there in a folder all tucked away (and backed up to hell). I started Nanowrimo a week late, I wrote 50 000 words in 3 weeks, it wasn't easy, I lost sleep and I stressed out and I even had arguments with friends, but in the end, it was my determination, my motivation that got me across the finish line with hours to spare.

Life isn't about sitting back and letting the winds of fate take control, it's about making ourselves happy, it's about living to the full. The reason we fail to meet our NYRs every year is because we aren't determined enough to do them. I know, come New Years morning, most of us will have broken the things we vowed to do at midnight and probably because we partied until the small hours and don't wake until the late afternoon and also because we didn't care enough to really keep them. We believe it's just a silly new year tradition and on we go with life, never changing or doing things that we vowed we would do.

A wise friend once said to me, Why wait until the New Year to start again? He was right, it's not just the new year when we can start again. If we were really unhappy and really determined, we could drop our lives and run for the hills or wherever we so wish to run. We could do it but we just don't because we consider everything else, our friends, our family, which of course are important, but isn't being happy important too? I'm sure if your friends and family loved you enough, they would support your decision and though it may come as a shock, given time they'll get over it and they'll be glad that your happy. Isn't that what it's really all about? About being happy?

And so, as the New Year looms ahead, we may or may not make Resolutions which we may or may not stick too, but just know, it's about determination and happiness and not the simple fulfilling of a sentence written down on paper for the sake of it.

All my wishes and more adventures to come in the year ahead,
Sami & The City.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T19:24:00.001Z

I just wanted to make a small post to wish you all a Merry Christmas from me and mine to you and yours :)

Hopefully I'll post again before it turns 2009 so I can wish you a Happy New Year then, but if not then Happy New Year and I'll see you in 2009!

Enjoy the turkey :)

Sami & The City

A Winter Cold

2008-12-13T17:49:00.003Z

I know I said I'd try to update once a week and I failed that last week, but I took ill and I was in bed for four days basically trying to nurse myself better. Though I am feeling a lot better, my health has not fully restored and so you're lucky to be getting this entry :P.

I really haven't been doing much. I went back to Uni on Tuesday this week as I had work to hand in and I wanted to see everyone before Christmas. It was nice to spend some time there again, I had begun to feel like I had dreamt it's entire existence. It's weird how attached I am now to that life, the one that I built all by myself. No parents there to guide me, just me, the flat, the flatmates, classes and an instinct to make myself a life and I did it.

I 100% did it. I have friends from class, I handed all my work in on time, I get on with my housemates and life is pretty decent. Of course, I'm home now for Christmas break and apart from my two exams, I'm pretty much here until February. So deal with it bitches. Sami has returned to the city. As sad as I am that I've put my handmade life on hold for a month or two, I am grateful to be spending Christmas with friends and family and It gives me time to re kindle my relationship with the city.

Afterall, this blog is based on my adventures there, beneath the big city lights. So here's to a month full of adventure for you to read about - adventures of Sami and the City.

Enjoy!

30 Days Later

2008-12-02T17:48:00.003Z

So, we all know about my NaNoWriMo win, today marks my 30th post of NaBloPomo. That's a blog everyday for the month. I don't know if I can continue this, I've been neglecting coursework and such, but I'll try to at least post once a week, maybe more, if your lucky.

I'm sure that you can tell from my recent posts that I've been on the down and out with regards to my friends - well the down and out became the up and away today as we finally spoke and sorted things out. I never stopped caring, neither did they, so we're all good. Just a misunderstanding, as per usual.

I'm glad that we've sorted it out, I didn't want to be alone this Christmas. By the way, any offers for kisses under mistletoe? I could really do with some ;P

This Is My Life Now.

2008-12-01T11:49:00.000Z

I was sitting around earlier in my University living room and having since discovered that home is a little out of balance right now, I began to think about how much my life has changed. I had my heart and hopes set on going somewhere else but I never got there. My relationship with that place has faltered since and I seem to avoid it as much as is possible.

In September, I was just an 18 year old girl, who passed her A Level Results and was heading off to University, an hour and a half away from home. I remember that very first day we drove down to get my keys for accommodation. My mum and Dad have the same car, though they are no longer together, so we got both the cars and piled it high with everything I was ever going to need. I drove with my mum and my sister drove with my dad. We were like troops traveling in a pack together.

We unpacked, ate together and I kept sending my friends Update texts as the day progressed. I had felt sad when my family left and I was here on my own because none of my housemates had arrived. I spent the first three days by myself and then headed home. I remember going on webcam and showing everyone my new room, how plain and boring and unwelcome it had seemed that very first day.

Now, I've decorated and added my own style to the place, I've made friends and I have changed and grown as a person. I don't miss home that much but I still go home, for my family and I'd like to hope that they still care - my friends. Having recently acquired a new sense of perspective, this really is my life now. I travel back and forth on Fridays and Sundays and I spend my week between reading the twilight series, going to class, having water fights and writing my novel.

Regardless of the fact that I'm not the person I was and I don't live where I have done my entire life, I do enjoy the company here, I enjoy the banter and I don't even mind the classes. Christmas break is fast approaching and I know I'm going to miss being here for a few weeks even though I revel in the fact that I'm in the city, I love the lights and the hustle and bustle, but along with that go the memories and places and people that have been a part of me, that sometimes I want to escape from.

THIS is my life now and I have to accept that, whether or not I want to. My friends and family have to accept it too, life has given me this path, it's not that I wanted it in the first place, but I know I'm on a path to somewhere better, something more than what I know of life as it is. So please, for my sake, accept that things have changed, that this is who I am, what I do, this is my life now and nothing can change that.

NaNoWriMo Update 3

2008-11-30T21:02:00.003Z

*VICTORY DANCE*

Yes, my friends, I traveled the seven seas and made it back and wrote a magnificent 50 000 words in 30 days! My novel is not yet done but 50 000 words is pretty amazing! So now I'm quite happy with myself and I am going to partake in NaNoFiMo - National Novel Finishing Month! And just in case you don't believe me, my username on nanowrimo.org is paperdollx - go look at that purple bar that says Winner on it and weep bitches!

NaBloPoMo ends today also, however for me it doesn't because I started on 2nd November, my month finishes on the 2nd December. So You will have another two posts for me until that challenge is complete too and I have no doubt I'll succeed, I've made it that far haven't I?

I'm not going to post an exerpt, for the simple fact is I don't want to spoil it for you. To be honest, I am not even a big fan of it myself, I do plan to edit it to hell before I even consider a publisher. So it'll be in the New Year before you see anything from me, though I will indeed, keep you updated.

I'm off now, to unpack, have some tea and relax, the pressure is off!

*Skips off merrily*

If That's The Way It Is.

2008-11-29T22:55:00.003Z

I have officially been caught in the web of the Twilight series. After finishing Twilight early yesterday evening, I couldn't wait to get out the door and buy New Moon this afternoon. I've had my head stuck in it since, I am annoyed though with the way the story is at the moment.

Amazingly, it's somewhat like my own life story at the minute. Some people appear to have disappeared and I'm waiting not very patiently or numbly, but in a state of annoyance and wonder about whether they are going to come back. It is their choice but they know I'll be waiting, no matter how awkward it is or how annoyed I was.

That's thing about it though, when someone leaves and comes back, it's never the same. It's why you don't date someone twice, because they never change, no matter how much you want them too. I guess there is nothing I can really do right now apart from wait, the ball is in their hands.

But, you know who you are and I know you'll read this. I still care, even if I say that I don't. Of course I do. And I'm sorry if I hurt or upset you, that is obviously not what I intended. I just am a little confused right now. I thought we sorted it out. But if you want this to end, just let me know so I know where I stand. Thanks.

I'm off now to write, hopefully over the finish line in nanowrimo and read some more of New Moon, in hope that it will get better and I'll stop being annoyed with it.

Twilight

2008-11-28T16:47:00.001Z

I started reading the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer yesterday morning. I've had my head stuck into the world of Bella and Edward since then, it really is quite a fascinating story. I love the descriptions of the way Bella feels about Edward, how she describes the electric.

When I read that one scene about her feeling the electric, I had a memory come to my mind. It was a time I too had felt electric. Unfortunately, that electric never went anywhere except the bedroom. Regardless,the memory is one that I cherish, that feeling of lust and desire and well, electric.

I hope to finish the first book this evening and I'll probably buy or lend the second one tomorrow. I'm quite intrigued and looking forward to it. Though I've recently heard bad reports, many people are now going off the series due to the movie release ruining it and the fangirls being all well fan-girly about it. Fuck them, if you like it you like it.

Maybe one day, we'll all find our own Edward Cullen too.

Home.

2008-11-27T23:37:00.000Z

We all have that one place that we call home. The place we were born and have lived in most of our lives, where our childhood memories our, our young dreams, our scraped knees and broken hearts. There is no place like home.

But what if, you not really by choice, have to move away? You become part of a new set of people, new friends and people you become close to and adopt as a temporary family. It's a home away from home, not because you want it to be but because it has to be. What if you suddenly start enjoying it? It doesn't seem so bad.

I know this because I've done it. I really wasn't ever keen on moving away from home to go to University, unfortunately, life gave me that as a choice that I could follow or I'd not go to University at all. At first, I missed my real home, my family, my friends and the life I left behind and yes, sometimes I still miss it, but not as much. It's not so bad for me because I only live an hour and a half away, home really isn't far, but it's still far enough.

Far enough for me to miss it and at the same time, not. Far enough for bonds to break and hearts to ache. Just far enough. I've grown accustomed now, to my temporary home and I have lightened up and learnt to enjoy it. I guess there is no point moping around all day, you gotta take what's given to you and enjoy it. Otherwise, it's a pretty sad existence.

So regardless, of where you are, or who you miss, or what you no longer have, can do, or feel, just throw caution to the wind and enjoy it and you might actually learn something about yourself.

Take a risk, it's what life's about.

Holidays Are Coming.

2008-11-26T19:50:00.002Z

You always know it's Christmas when you see that famous Coca Cola ad with the trucks and the lights and Santa drinking coke and you hear the little song 'Holidays are coming, Always Coca Cola'. I saw this advert for the first time this year on Saturday during the ad breaks of the X Factor.

I am totally not feeling festive at all this year, in fact I'm slightly Scrooge like. This could be due to the fact that I have coursework deadlines and novel deadlines to meet before I can even think about Christmas shopping or Christmas in general.

I have no clue what to buy anybody, so if there is something you want, tell me in the comments, or email me - make note, I ain't gonna buy everybody, just those people who know who they are.

What is slightly ironic, is the fact that I tend to sing Jingle Bells all year round. Come Christmas, I stop singing it and get all Scrooge like. Awh well.

Bah Humbug, bitches!

Household

2008-11-25T22:35:00.003Z

The thing I've noticed recently about my housemates and I is that we've come together more as a household. It was mainly last week, we all helped at the party, we all tidied up and we all went together to the disciplinary and we all told the same story and paid the price for our actions. I liked the fact that we were grouping together for once. Instead of people running off here, there and everywhere.

The good thing is that it has proceeded into this week. Tonight, we all had dinner together and we helped cook and clean. Then my other friend came over and we had yet another water fight, which was fun but we soaked my friend who then had to run off to a romantic double dinner date with his boyfriend and another couple.

We are currently all sitting typing our fingers off, they have an assignment due and I have nanowrimo to keep me occupied until someone attacks me with a highlighter or more water. Hopefully they won't though, I already have the cold!

Pride

2008-11-24T12:37:00.003Z

It's been two months now since I first upped and left for University and I have to admit, I'm pretty proud of myself.

I've started enjoying University a lot more now and it's been fun regardless of the drama or the formal warnings.

I don't miss home as much, I'm used to it and it isn't that bad because I go home most weekends.

So University is all good and I'm enjoying myself quite a bit. I'm proud of myself, I really am :)

NaNoWriMo Update 2

2008-11-23T21:15:00.003Z

I made 25 000 words last night and I have to admit, I'm pretty pleased with myself, that's the halfway mark! I know I should have reached it a week or so ago, but regardless, I've reached it and I'm halfway there! (Not living on a prayer though!)

I know this time next week Nanowrimo will be over and we will be either celebrating or saying 'Maybe next year'. Regardless, you have to give us serious brownie points for trying. I have fair hope that I will make it to 50 000 words, as I plan to have serious sprints throughout the week, starting tonight. 5k at a time!

Once you are on a roll, it isn't hard to get the words flowing and especially if you have a plan in mind. You still got to let the characters tell the story their own way though, but you'll get there eventually.

So for now, wish me luck and this blog next week will let you know whether I am a surefire Nanowrimo winner or not.

Alone Together.

2008-11-22T18:00:00.001Z

Today, I went to a NaNoWriMo meet and met some people from Northern Ireland. It was pretty fun and it got me thinking.

The reason for us all coming together is because we are all writing a novel, not a challenge many people undertake. The fact is, if it weren't for NaNoWriMo we'd all be pretty alone in our novel-writing undertaking and I don't think we'd all make it to 50 000 words if we weren't trying to make it as part of a challenge. By being with other people, we push ourselves to beat them, or match them, or to 'win'.

It's good to know that there are other people who are pushing themselves too, who need encouragement and support to make it and keep those fingers typing. By us all doing the same task, we might be alone, but at least we are together in that. This reminds me of a quote from one of my favourite movie that says;

"So now, alone or not, you've got a walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too."

So next time you are feeling alone, just remember, there are probably other people who are lonely too and even if you don't know them, you aren't alone because you are together in your loneliness.

Picture Post.

2008-11-21T23:20:00.000Z

I bought this poster recently and I just wanted to share it with you, cause I'm nice like that :P

A Formal Warning.

2008-11-20T13:44:00.003Z

So, the disciplinary interview went okay. The woman basically explained some things and asked us some questions. We explained our side of the story and we were let off with a formal warning which is just a black mark against our name. We are allowed to appeal this, so I think we are going too, which is all good.

I'm pretty happy with this result, we could have been in a lot more crap. So, now, we party on and hope that next time, we don't get caught cause god only help us if we do.

Water Fight

2008-11-19T23:31:00.002Z

Today, my housemates and I had a water fight. The house is soaking, and the carpet even squelching when we walk on it.

Apart from the general wetness of the house, we were all soaked through. Regardless of that, it was the funnest part of my day and possibly my week. We were using boxes, pots, pans, glasses, biscuit tins etcetc. It was just great.

I have the disciplinary interview tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it, but I'm hoping for the best.

Wrecked.

2008-11-18T21:34:00.002Z

Last night was eventful, to say the least.

We threw a massive party for my housemates 20th birthday, we had lots of alcohol, including a punch bowl, the house was decorated with balloons and banners etcetc. We had a pre-party at the house, had the party at the Students Union and another post-party at the house. I didn't sleep until 4am.

Needless to say, I was not a happy bunny when I got woken up by Residential Officers this morning who came barging in screaming blue murder. The jist of the story is, we were made to clean our house by 2pm and we've been called to an interview about "Noise Nuisance". The funny part? The music wasn't even coming from our Flat! The Residential Assitant came into our house last night around 1am and kicked everybody out, so the only people left were the housemates and two of our friends who were staying - talking to them was the reason for being awake until 4am.

It's okay though, he dropped us in the shit, well, we're gonna drop him right back in it too and smear it all over his smug little face. Then we'll see how he likes it.

Yes, I am angry.

Samisung

2008-11-17T15:08:00.003Z

Last night, my gay friend had a dream about me. I was a large phone and I was running away with his coursework and he was yelling after me that he needed it or else he couldn't go to class.

This stemmed from me ringing him 3829147292993 times in order to get him up for class so he ended up dreaming about me. I've no idea why I had his coursework though. Then I started running after him and beating him with his coursework.

If you see a new phone brand called Sami-sung, it's run by me ;P

NaNoWriMo Update 1.

2008-11-16T15:01:00.002Z

So, I know we're supposed to be on 25 000 words as of yesterday but I'm still only on 9229. This is due to not writing anything in the first week cause of some personal life stuff. But it's all good, I've got determination and plan to type my fingers off today and get at least 15 000. By this time next week I hope to be at least in the 20 000s somewhere.

I went to a write-in yesterday. I didn't see the girls at first but the liaison found me in a wee corner eating a cookie and she recognised me and brought me over. We typed for a bit and played the novel game which had some funny endings with bananas, elves and Walt Disney. Then we typed some more and another person came and we talked for a bit.

I also got the little kit, the wee card and the cutest highlighter ever and a nanowrimo sticker. I was well pleased. Haha. I'm really glad I found out about it because I'm probably going to participate it in every year now, even through all the madnessss. I'm even planning on basing some of my journalism coursework on it this year. Aren't I awesome?

Anyway, that's all I've really got to say about it so far. I would paste you an excerpt but I'm going to keep you in suspense so it keeps me writing :P.

Until tomorrow!

Yes, It's Sad But...

2008-11-15T14:00:00.002Z

There isn't much you can do about it. When friends make decisions to go away for University, or to take a gap year and travel the world, of course you're going to be sad. Yes, you are allowed to cry and mourn their departure, but eventually, you have to get over it.

I was at a leaving party for a girl who's moving away to Australia last night and all her girly friends and her were crying their hearts out, singing cheesy karaoke songs at each other and hugging each other for dear life. It was heartwarming and heart-wrenching because you know that this girl is leaving behind an entire life that she's spent years building.

It kind of made me sad though. No-one ever threw me a leaving party. I know that I come back every weekend, but it doesn't mean it that it's any less or more difficult for me. I live away from home for most of my week now, I'm actually at home about two days (one entire full one and two halves). It hurts me too, to know that I can't fully participate in my friends lives anymore, I'm barely aware of what goes on during the week even if its nothing exciting.

I'm not going to put down my Uni experience though, because it has been fun as well as dramatic. I figured though, that maybe it's too hard to have a leaving party. It breaks your heart watching the final goodbyes. Maybe my friends and I aren't good at dealing with goodbyes, not that it was a goodbye as I do come back. I guess it's easier for us to pretend that it's all okay because we see each other every weekend and I guess it is. There is a big difference between Coleraine and Australia.

I don't know. I guess my leaving party will be when I decide to move 5000 miles across the world and it'll be a day when we all have to accept that I'm not coming back. I guess we all have different ways of dealing with what our friends choose to do with our lives. It's not all bad either, my friends are coming to join me at University next year. It's not like we can all decide to up and move to Australia together.

Anyway, I'm going to stop myself from feeling sad and wish you all the best wherever in the world you choose to be.

Grin and Bare It.

2008-11-14T19:22:00.001Z

This evening I'm going out with some of my lovely friends to a nice bar for a quiet drink and/or party. I know it's going to be fun, but I have instinctive feelings right now that its going to turn into a coupletastic snog-fest.

You know when people fancy each other? Then alcohol gets involved. It kinda turns into a, oh look you're really pretty *kisses* type thing. Well I know that two girls going tonight have crushes on two guys that are going tonight and vice versa. So, instinctively, I know that its going to be a snogathon and I'll be there going 'Well, this is great'.

I'm not going to feel sorry for myself because what's the point? I could drink myself silly and have to be carried home, but I'm not like that. So what I'm really going to do is grin and bare it and hope that some random hottie turns up for me, or ask my friends to share their men, or just steal them away from them and tell them they can do whatever they want with the guys when they go home together, but for now, can I have you please?

You can never really predict what's going to happen though, so hopefully the night turns out better than I'm expecting it to be. :)

I've Nothing To Say

2008-11-13T20:58:00.002Z

I apologise for this but absolutely nothing to tell you guys lately.

Today, I went shopping. That's about it. I also handed in my coursework, yay me.

:D I bought some new tops and socks.

I seem to have a sock obsession as of late. How random is that.

I'll have more to blog about over the weekend I am sure.

Right now, I am off to watch The Parent Trap with my gay lover who is getting his haircut (he wanted me to add that just so he feels special ;P).

Still Lacking In Motivation

2008-11-12T12:42:00.003Z

I know my posts are really unexciting as of late, but I'm tied between doing coursework, keeping up with a social life and nanowrimoing my brain out.

So today, instead of boring you with tales of nothingness and coursework and instead you can have a quote, rather appropriately, from someone named Swamiji Paramahamsa Nithyananda. I found the quote here. So here, it is:

Don’t keep thinking of what happened yesterday and what is going to happen tomorrow. Live in the moment and every situation will seem like the time of your life.

Today, I Lack Motivation.

2008-11-11T17:04:00.003Z

I've just spent several hundred hours staring at my computer screen, hoping some form of essay about Pride and Prejudice will form itself in my word document, without me really having to think about it. Unfortunately, magic documents like that don't exist and I have to type them all myself.

I have absolutely no motivation for doing any form of essay at all today. All I really want to do is write a few thousand more words in my nanowrimo novel. I'm not allowing myself to even open the document though until I get some form of essay taking shape.

I'm quite thankful that Bebo isn't working for me right now otherwise I'd be creeping on your uncle's brother's monkey's turtle by now and then having a realisation that I've no clue who this person is and what the hell am I doing on their page.

So, if you see me online, you might want to tell me to stop posting blogs, stalking NaNoWriMo profiles and get on with my essay, or do it for me. Either way, it would be useful :P

Lifes too short.

2008-11-10T10:30:00.003Z

As you all know, I've been on the down and out as of late until a some friends helped to put my feet firmly back on the ground. I'm ready to hit it, jumping, running, or flying.

I used to think that life was the longest thing you'll ever go through and maybe it is, but at the same time, it is a short and wonderful thing and we should all be living it to the fullest. Even if that means having to say goodbye a thousand times or more. Even if it means loosing all the people in the world that you love so dearly. At the end of the day, we all end up dead.

I know that is probably really morbid and one of the worst things to ever say, but it's true and we just have to accept that. We should stop taking life and people and everything in it for granted and realise that we are truly blessed to be given everything we are given, regardless of how much we don't want, need or like it.

It's not all bad. I'm sure a lot of us have wonderful friends and family and opportunities being given to us left, right and centre. So why don't you hop on board that new plane and arrive at that new destination. You never know, it could be the making of you.

Just be sure that you thank someone for it, show your gratitude for life. Even if it means hugging a friend to show your love, at the end of the day, it will all be worth to die a happy person, knowing you lived life the way you wanted too.

Life is short. Make the most of it.

Feet Back On The Ground.

2008-11-09T16:06:00.002Z

Recently, I haven't been feeling the greatest and I did really get myself upset about a good few things. My friends are pretty awesome though and are able to pick up on these things immediately and come and say, 'Yo, bisnatch, what's the craic?' and help to sort me out.

So, it's safe to say my feet are firmly back on the ground and I brought some clarity to my life. I know what I've been doing and why and now I know what I can and can't do and how to sort myself out. It all finally makes sense :)

So, with that, I really must shoot off, I've a suitcase to pack, a self to dress and feed and a train to catch. University, here I come.

I'll see you tomorrow :)

The Power Of X.

2008-11-08T15:59:00.002Z

This is going to sound completely random and ridiculously girly. However, when you are writing a text, or an email, or just something on msn and you see the message followed by an 'x'. For example, 'Sweet dreams xx'. Do you wonder what it means? Generally, X means a kiss. So a goodnight kiss is acceptable, but who is suitable to give you an X?

A family member?? A friend? I usually sign with an 'xo' A kiss and a hug. I usually hug people you see, so that suits me. What confuses me about this, is if you like someone and they sign it with 'x', or as been with me recently 'xxxx'. Four x's, that is four kisses for me. It's extremely girlish of me to read into it, but does it mean that the guy wants to give me four kisses, or he is just being friendly? Or is he feeling guilty so overcompensates with his x's? How do you know what is appropriate and how do you know when its just friendly and not romantically inclined?!

I know that's random, but it just bugs me. If anyone can solve this problem, do let me know!! :P

Time To Up The Ante

2008-11-07T17:32:00.004Z

Today, someone left my life. They hadn't really been in it much and I thought that they had stopped caring. I found out I was wrong, they still cared. It's just I had pushed them away and so I told them to go. To ride off into the sunset and live life the way it should be lived. I know that person will most likely read this blog. As I said, I wish you well and I will never say goodbye, just Good Luck :).

As upsetting as this has been to me, it seems to be the way life works. People come and people go. Eventually, saying Goodbye, or Good Luck becomes a natural process. At Primary school, you say goodbye to your friends and move to secondary school. Then at the end of Secondary school, you say goodbye for University and at the end of University, undoubtedly you will have to say Goodbye. It's not that you want all these people to leave your life, it's just that they do because we all go our separate ways. Life goes on no matter how many people we lose or how many more we meet.

To be perfectly honest though, I am sick of saying Goodbye. I just wish someone would come into my life and stay there for a while. Someone who will lie beside me at night and hug me tight and let me know it's all going to be Okay in the morning. But I'm 19 and finding someone who is likely to do that is about as possible as it is for McCain to win the presidential election. So I guess, it's time I upped the Ante. Time I stopped saying Goodbye and pushing people away, time I held onto the people who I cherish and stopped being a bisnatch and possibly stop being a whore.

I don't know how I'm going to do it, all I know is that I want to and sure as hell, I'm going to try. So if you're my friend and I've been neglecting you, I apologise profusely and I'll make it up to you in the following weeks, I promise. For now though, I hope you are well and I'll speak to you soon.

Wish List.

2008-11-06T22:10:00.002Z

I just wish you would let me know that you still care.
I wish that you would care.
I wish that you would try.
I wish you didn't live so far away.
I wish I didn't live so far away.
I wish you would stop judging me.
I wish you would already.
I wish you would stop making me sick.
I wish you two would make up your minds.

Yeah, I just wish.

Obama Wins.

2008-11-05T18:12:00.003Z

Most of the world knows by now that America has voted Barack Obama to be the 44th President of the United States of America. Most of the world has a "I don't care" attitude because they don't think that this will/does affect them in anyway.

I can't confirm that it does, but since America is the backbone of a lot of the world, especially the UK I do think that the changes made in America will eventually envelope the rest of us. And I don't mean envelope us in a bad way.

Last night I sat until 3.30 am watching the votes be counted. I was nervous at first because McCain got the lead when the first projections came in, but eventually Obama had 300+ versuses McCain's 100+ and so I retired to bed knowing come morning who the 44th President would be.

I am not an American but I do love America and by just sitting watching the news coverage it allowed me to feel a part of it, a part of somewhere else, somethinge else and part of history. I think a lot of us will remember this for the rest of our lives. America is now ready to accept having an African-American President, the first ever in the U.S. America is ready for change.

Isn't it time we were too?

When You Grow Old.

2008-11-04T22:35:00.002Z

So, I was on the bus today on my way into town and these two old ladies got onto the bus. They were just normal old women but they had the coolest hats. The hats were white, fluffy and covered the entirety of their hair, you would almost mistake it for hair it was that white.

At the following stop, another two old ladies got on, and they both had white hair. I was quite amused cause it was like white hats v.s. white hair. The Irony is, they all had Marks and Sparks bags. It was like, if they were all friends, it would be what Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte would be like when they are 95+.

It just made me wonder, when I grow old, will I have white hair, or a white hat? What do you think?

What Not To Say.

2008-11-03T18:14:00.002Z

So, the other night I was out at a party for Halloween and it was great fun. The house was big, the alcohol was flowing and the people were partying. I was having a great time just mingling with all my friends and the new people I had never met before.

I went upstairs to use the bathroom when one of the bedroom doors opened and a guy was sitting on the floor. He startled me, but he said Hello and introduced himself. Let's call him C shall we? So C had been put into this bedroom, which had no working lights by A1 (not using names to protect identity). A1 had told C to calm down and stay in that room until he felt better, but C was bored and needed water which is why he opened the door when he heard me wandering around. So I went and got some water for C and sat down and started chatting to him.

We were chatting about Anime and if I, being a girl, had seen any. I told him that I had as my new housemate had introduced me to a few and my exes has shown me some as well. Then he started hugging me cause he was cold. I know that sounds like a ploy, but you have no idea how cold that house was. It was a big old victorian-style house with single glazing and heating that takes 400 hours to start working. So it was cold.

So there we were, C and I, in a room with no working lights, hugging and chatting. C was quite intoxicated (alcohol, you know?) and he was talking in a half-Irish, half-Scottish accent. He was telling me I was a "Beautiful Lass" with "Really smooth skin and smooth hair". I started laughing at him in his silly little accent and then he said "Oh no! I think me penis jumped up". This made me laugh even more, which made his 'penis jump' more. In all my life, a laugh turning someone on is the last thing I expected. Though, I've been told before that I had a dirty/evil laugh. I don't know how that works.

So C's penis jumped up and he was quite handsome. He was training to be a fitness instructor so had some nice pecs and well, I wasn't going to refuse. Blame the alcohol if you want. So there we were, C and me kissing and hugging and letting hands flail around. Then he asked 'Do you like kisses in the ear?' I'm sorry, IN THE EAR? I mean, I can deal with ear nibbling and stuff but why on earth do you want to shove your tongue IN my ear? Needless to say, it didn't do anything for me, except make me think he was a weirdo.

If that wasn't bad enough, we were going at it (again, hands only) and he stopped again and said "Do you like anal?" I was like "No thank you, it's an exit only". To this, he replied "It's just me ex lass, she shoved her ass in me face one day and said go on and I was like what do you mean go on? And then I realised and I was like oh, really? It wasn't really something I enjoyed." What, a man who doesn't like anal, are you sure? I was but then we stopped for a while because well, I wasn't exactly excited after that. When we got going again, he was all "I want to bend you over". Clearly, he did enjoy anal. Shame, really.

So next time, my friends, you meet a beautiful lassie and you get the chance to give her some action, I suggest you don't ask about ear kissing, or anal, or even talk about your ex-girlfriend. Reason being, it's a total turn-off. As for C and me, we have spoken since, he said he didn't remember much. Maybe I'll forgive him, for his pecs and the eventualality, made up for it ;)

November = Challenge Time!

2008-11-02T22:38:00.003Z

So, I know it's been a while and I am an awfully bad blogger for not posting regularly. I hope you all had a good Halloween, I know I did and I will be posting about those events in the not too distant future.

For now though, exciting news! November appears to be the month of creativity and writing challenges. So, here we go. This month I have decided to try two challenges.

The first one is called NaNoWriMo. This stands for National Novel Writing Month. The basic idea is that you have from the 1st November to the 30th November to see if you can write a 50, 000 word novel. At the end, you get the satisfaction of having written a novel (it doesn't have to end at 50, 000 words) and you get a certificate to say that you have participated and past, that is if you submit your novel for word count verification. I have always been interested in writing my own novel and have had several failed attempts due to lifes constant interuptions, so this month, with the Nanowrimo counter and support of other Wrimos hopefully I'll get somewhere! Wish me luck! If you are also participating then let me know and we can help to motivate each other! If you're interested in participating go, here.

The other Challenge this month my friends is called, NaBloPoMo. This stands for National Blog Posting Month. The idea for this being, that you make a post on your blog everyday for a month, including weekends. I thought this would be a good challenge for me to undertake as I keep neglecting my blog. Since I only started this challenge today, my Blog Posting Month will end on the 2nd December. I sincerely hope I find some interesting stories to tell you lot during this month and I hope I can up my readership by the constant blogging. Yes, this post does count as my first one, because I say it does so ner :P. If you are also a blogger and would be interested in this challenge you can go here for more information!

Well Wrimos and Pomos, I wish you all the best of luck this month! Perhaps we can all go celebrate if we acheieve our goals, yes? Drinks on you!

Months Down The Line.

2008-10-13T11:24:00.005+01:00

As a blogger, I've tried and tested many forms of blogging, many ideas for blogs and this one seems to be my most successful, or the one I feel most comfortable with. During the last month or so of my A Level year I started a blog called The Diaries of an A Level Student and I hoped that someone would continue it, but no such luck. Regardless of this fact, I was skimming my entries a few moments ago and I read this:

I can’t help but feel reminded about a quote from one of my favourite movies that goes as follows: “I was waiting for the moment when life as I knew it, would change.” For the character it did. But I’m not so sure if it ever will for me.

It made me smile, how naive was I? Of course life was going to change for me. Life changes for us everyday in ways that we may not even know of. I guess I was just wishing for something different, to escape the dreadfulness of a levels. I was hoping for some major change, something big and sparkily to take me away from life as it was and so it did.

Although I did not intend on choosing this path and had my heart set on an entirely different one, the path I am on now will essentially lead me to the same place, although probably a lot more prepared than if I had followed the other one. I guess it's a lesson you learn with time, that no matter how much you want life to change, it never will unless you make it. One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was from my mother (hello!) was "You are the only one who can change your life". I don't remember what it as over, but that phrase has been one that has stuck in my mind for a very long time. I do often tell others the same thing when they are unhappy, that they are the only ones who can change the circumstances to make themselves happier and it's true. If you can't do it, then no one can.

I haven't felt the best about the changes my life took, as I live away from home and everything I know and have come to learn and love. But I guess I'm getting there, I know in the long run that this will make me a better person and that there is a reason why my life ended up going along this path rather than the other one. I have to say I'm a lot more content than I ever was about it. It's one of those things that you just have to do and no matter who cries, or who is oh so very sad, or who you lose or any other circumstance, you gotta just put on a braveface and deal with it. At the end of the day, what else can you do?

Months down the line from where I was, life as I know has changed and even months from now, life will have changed again, for better or for worse, who knows? It's just something you learn to deal with it, regardless of all the protests and emotions it evokes in you. So don't fret, just accept it, Life does and will change, no matter what.

Cheating.

2008-10-06T11:11:00.007+01:00

Did you know that 60% of men and 40% of women are likely to cheat on their partners? No, neither did I. I do believe that sometime in our lives, we are likely to cheat, or be cheated on by our partners, whomever they happen to be.

I believe this because I have once been a cheater myself. It is not a fun activity and living with the guilt afterwards just isn't any fun. There are those of us, who will never know about our partner's affair for the truth only hurts. Yet, there are those of us who choose to be honest, to confess our guilt and try and forgive ourselves for the pain that we have caused. It's not easy, but we can and we do try.

My confession comes many many months after my infidelity when the topic resurfaced. Except this time, I was the other woman. The story goes as follows. I was out celebrating a friend's birthday with many people in a quiet and cosy bar. I was having a good night being a social butterfly and being friendly from person to person. A young guy caught my eye, he was cute, beautiful eyes (I'm such an eye person!), same height as me, dark skin and fairly built. All in all, he was a potential candidate, until he had a girlfriend. But we agreed to be friends nonetheless as we live in similar areas and have similar interests.

So as the night progresses, we continue to drink and celebrate until it's chucking out time and we walk back to a house party that never happens. Meanwhile, his friends are getting on with my friends, and then suddenly we're hugging to keep each other warm. It was genuinely freezing at 2am in Northern Ireland, as it is at basically any time in this country. Eventually, we're all piling into taxis and heading to a different house for a quieter party, but a party nonetheless.

So we arrive, cuddle up on the sofa to have a chat and stay warm. God, I make it sound so romantic, it totally wasn't. He brings my arm across his chest for a hug and moves it down slowly but surely until yes, it lands on his penis. Now I know you might be going "Yeah right, that so didn't happen" and instead have pictures of me jumping him instead. But really, I was so shocked because he had a girlfriend and I wasn't intending on doing anything apart from hug. But you get the picture, my hand, his penis, hand job, done. Not so romantic now, eh?

What confused me most was, he wouldn't even kiss me. His reason? Because he had a girlfriend. I think touching your penis is a bit more intimate that kissing your lips, is it not? I suppose kissing is quite a passionate act, but isn't sharing your anatomy and doing a dirtier deed than kissing more unfaithful? Isn't it more hurtful to hear the words "I had sex with another woman" than to hear "I kissed another woman". A kiss can be forgiven somewhat easily, but sex and a fuller intimate act takes a lot of courage to forgive. No act though can relieve anyone of guilt, or hurt, or pain.

I don't know why, it just confused me and when he wouldn't kiss me, I felt sad and regretful for I knew that if his girlfriend were to find out the pain that she would feel, having been there myself. He also kept muttering how bad he felt and I told him I would stop but he didn't want to. So I made him cum right there in my hand (eww cum!). He enjoyed it but now he will feel guilt for the rest of his life, like I do.

I really need to stop getting myself into messes like this. Or maybe we need to learn to keep our anatomy in our pants and our hands to ourselves, either way, it would save a hell of a lot of hassle, don't you think?

Change Continued.

2008-09-13T13:23:00.002+01:00

Not much can be said about packing up your life and moving elsewhere. It's one of the most horrendous tasks ever. Especially when you've just been in Spain relaxing for a week, the last thing you want to do is unpack to repack and go away again. I suppose in the long run, it might be a good thing.

If you have no clue what I'm talking about, let me fill you in. I passed my A Level exams successfully, however my firm choice wouldn't accept me with a grade lower than what they asked for and so I accepted my insurance offer. However, that means upheaval to another city, as such. It's not really a city, but more of a small town with a University attached. Regardless, new places, new people, new opportunities will mean plenty more adventures to blog about to keep you all reading and entertained, hopefully.

A lot of people are upset about my leaving, most especially my family. I personally feel indifferent about the whole situation, I'm just running around trying to pack up everything and make sure I've forgot nothing. I just want to get there and get started, the waiting around is doing my head in. Oh and I move tomorrow. I really shouldn't be blogging right now, but instead, in the shower, or throwing things into suitcases and boxes and checking things off my 4-page long list.

I never really wanted to move away in the first place, but I believe everything happens for a reason. Perhaps this change and move away, is for me to become more independent and learn how to fend for myself as I will have to do so when I move to New York sometime in the future (yes, that is my plan). Also, many of my friends who have started their 2nd A level year are contemplating highly moving to the same University the next year. Perhaps this too is a reason why I am going. So that I can set up base and then my friends can join me in a year or so. It would be great fun, and pretty mad to say the least.

For whatever reasons I am setting upon this new journey, I am going with hope that I will become a better, stronger person for it and learn more and be offered many new opportunities. Someone once said, that with every closing door, there is an opening window. As one chapter in my life closes, this new one is just being started and although there will be problems and drama and everything that comes with life itself, I have to admit, I'm quite looking forward to it. For once, I embrace change and I do not fear it, for the only fear it is best to have, is that of fear itself.

And to those of you who are also embracing change and off to University or whatnot, I wish you the best on your new adventure.

Change & Suchlike.

2008-08-21T17:02:00.001+01:00

Did you ever notice how we spend most of our lives searching for love? How most of us are always on the look-out for 'The One' or 'Mr Right' even though half the time, the people we meet now, probably won't make it through to our futures. Wherever we end up, be it London, Paris or New York, it's very unlikely that everyone you know now will know the future you as much as you would like them to.

And yet, no matter how tough life is, we always want love. We have love in forms of family and friends, but to most of us, it's never enough. We want someone to cuddle with and kiss and spend time with, someone who knows us inside out and backwards. Well today, I'm calling off the search. It was never one I intentionally started, but I was looking for a little something, a hug, maybe even a snog (any takers?). However, my search is off and the reason for this is change.

My post yesterday was an attempt to reach out to some people who know me well enough to see that I was hurting. And it worked, my friends came rushing to my side, telling me that I should talk to them more and hoping that I was okay. Thanks to them, I'm feeling a lot better, though there is still some disappointment and hurt, it doesn't just go away in the space of a day.

As for change, my life has taken a turn around in directions I thought it would never go, I almost hoped it would never go. Unfortunately, life doesn't work out that way and it will give you the unexpected at the most unfortunate times. So, my life is changing in major ways and I don't have the time or energy to spare on searching for something I will never find. I don't mean that as in I'll never find love, I just mean that as in when you look for something, you very rarely find it. So, the search is off, and the change is on. Whether you like it or not.

I have to admit, I'm afraid of change. I always have been, scared of something changing and never being the same again, cause generally it never is. People change and life goes on, whether we are happy about it or not. Sometimes change is for the best and if you're like me, well everything happens for a reason. So these changes are for a reason whether I know what that reason is or not is another thing. I may never know, but my life will go on and I may learn a million things, or I may learn nothing from these changes. Who knows! But I'm going to try and not be so afraid of change from now on. It's inevitable really, isn't it?

I don't know how often I will get to blog in the next few weeks due to all these changes taking place, but I'll try to keep you informed, that's if you're interested. Some comments would be nice people! :P. I really don't have much else to say, I hope you all are well and I'm going to leave you with this lyric, that relates to how I feel right now:

"You got to finally just stop searching to find yourself"

Disappointment & Regret.

2008-08-20T15:17:00.002+01:00

Isn't it funny how at A Levels, your entire future lies in someone else's hands as they have the power to make a yes/no decision that will you give a path to the future you want for yourself. It really demented my head for several days. You can ask anyone, I was freaking out all over the show. And why? Because I didn't know how else to deal with my disappointment, my regret. Even though you should never regret anything, or so they say.

On top of this, there were boy matters floating around and I thought things were good, but my attempts were unsuccessful. I can't help but feel regretful that I should have kissed him that first night and disappointed that it didn't work out. Although other feelings are floating around to do with this, some self-deprecating issues perhaps, that's another story for another day though. What can you do really, if the feeling isn't there then the feeling just isn't there. You can't force it.

So today, I've been in a right sour mood, wandering around looking rather unhappy and therefore I am going to go sleep the past few days off and I might see you around tomorrow, hopefully when I'm in a much better mood.

Apologies also, for the lack of inspiration in this blog, but hey it's a blog and I can't inspire you all the time, especially if I'm not too inspired myself. :P

Tomorrow Is The Future.

2008-08-13T15:45:00.002+01:00

Well I know that many of you, like myself, will be recieving AS/A2 results tomorrow and/or GCSE Results next week. I'm also sure many of you, like me, are scared/worried/nervous about them.

I know nothing I say will calm the nerves but what will be will be my friends and there isn't much you can really do about it now. You just have to make that final race to the finish line and hope you get where you're going.

All I really wanted to say was, Good luck to you all and if I'm not around for a few days it's because I'm either celebrating the entire weekend, or have locked myself away in my room to mope. Or I'm hassling universities until they give me a place. Who knows really.

Either way my friends, I wish you the best of luck and I hope you get the grades you want!

Have a good weekend too!
Sami
:)

The Secret Ache.

2008-08-12T00:45:00.003+01:00

Have you ever had a desire? A desire so strong for something that was out of your reach, or beyond your control, or had consequences that you would never be able to deal with. This desire, is so secret, that you barely even know it yourself. I know it sounds strange, but we all have secrets, so we must have secret desires.

Then comes the day when that secret something is in your grasp, but it's only there for a moment, not a second too short, or a second too long, it's just there for the time in which it needs to be there. For the time enough to make you enjoy it and loathe it all at the same time and then, before you've even had half a chance to say anything worth saying, it has gone again, out of your reach and beyond your control and you are left to live with the consequences of what happened in that one enjoyable moment.

What follows is an aching deep in your soul, an ache that hurts quite a lot because after having what you wanted, it was gone in the blink of an eye. And the consequences might not be fun and they can cause you all kinds of hassle and stress and yet you don't regret for one single moment, the joy that you felt when your desire was in reach. Yet, your heart aches because what you had was gone and you will never, ever in a lifetime have that back again.

What hurts more is, you have to deal with it all on your own, because it's such a secret desire, that you can't tell anyone. Or maybe you could but it could end up making you feel embarrassed or worried or even more stressed cause of the consequences. They say you don't know what you've got until it's gone, and in affairs of the heart and secret desires, this saying could not be any more true to form.

Why Do We Fall Down?

2008-08-05T00:44:00.005+01:00

Have you ever noticed how we spend our lives reading books about people with high-flying careers, a beautiful house, a wonderful family and great friends? Often, we think how unrealistic it all seems, that having our cake and eating it too, is just a fantasy that is laid out in books for us to read and mope about how our lives don't compare.

Isn't it time we started making the unrealistic become more realistic? If we really want it all, all we have to do is work for it and persist. Persistence really is the key to everything. Most of the time, we have this dream and we all plan it out in our heads, from how we dream our weddings to be, how we dream our careers to be, our future husbands, wives, daughters, sons etc. We all plan it right down to the last intimate detail (or maybe that's just women) and yet, we always seem to settle for second best. There has to come a time in life where people must chose, do they take the fairytale path and keep persisting until they feel that their dream really can't be taken any further, or do they settle for second-best on the path that's a little dusty, but safe and familiar?

If that person chooses the dusty second-best path (not that it's a bad one), you must ask yourself why? Why did that person suddenly stop aiming for their entire life's dream. Why did that person just give up? I know life is hard and it has it seems to have it's downs a hell of a lot more than it's ups, but every time we fall down, do we really just stay down? Or do we say "Fuck this" and get back up on our feet? Rather appropriately, I feel I must quote Batman Begins, one character asks "Why do we fall down?" and the other replies "So we can learn to get back up again". And it's true, we must fall down lots, so we can learn to pick ourselves up again. If we just stayed down all the time, we'd never learn anything. That's what mistakes are for, they are learning experiences, to make you a better, stronger, happier, wiser person.

I know it's hard to be positive a lot of the time, it's hard to really see the bigger picture as I've mentioned before. But next time you fall down, in that split second when you want the world to swallow you head to toe, why don't you try and think "This happens for a reason. This is something I have to learn from." And as hard as it is, to pick yourself up again, you must try. And if you can't do it yourself, then I'm pretty damn sure, you'll have some great friends to help you on your way. So when you finally get your feet back on the ground, you'll have considered the reasons for this mistake, this fall, and have learnt something from it, whether it be, not to do it again, that you're friends are awesome for helping you, or that you simply just need to do things differently. For that one week, day, month or perhaps even a year you spend on the floor, the feeling of getting back up again as a happier, wiser, better, stronger person is the greatest thing of all.

Music Unites The Masses

2008-08-04T00:46:00.004+01:00

Have you ever noticed, how two completely different people can like exactly the same song for two completely different reasons? And those two people can deduce different meanings from the one song. Although many songs have one obvious meaning, to someone somewhere there will always be many interpretations to one song and they will take the meaning and relate it to whatever is going on their own lives right that moment.

We all have those songs that we can relate to specific moments, or people, or places in our lives. I myself have a few such as 3 Doors Down - Here Without you and Lonestar- Baby I'm amazed by you and also The Waterboys - The Whole of the Moon. Although they are quite lovey-dovey songs, there are other songs, such as Voodoo Child which I can relate to my summer a few years ago. I find it amazing that the singers/artists/bands can make music that many people can relate to, or that can describe exactly the feelings and/or emotions that someone else in the world is going through. In saying that, I suppose a lot of us have felt a similar emotion to the one in the song at some point in our lives. But it just amazes me how music can make us feel better, or worse, or relate to our lives in ways we never imagined.

I've never been to a music festival but I have attended some concerts in my time and I got to thinking. Each concert has sold over a thousand tickets, which means over a thousand people like the same music, for similar and different reasons. And those people appreciate what those artists are doing, they can relate, or they just enjoy listening to the music and that's what makes it so good. I love finding songs that I can relate to or that are inspiring and meaningful, although they may be this to me, to other people they may be strange or not up to their music taste. Isn't it strange how there are so many different kinds of music and all of it can relate to somebody somewhere in the world?

All I know is, music seems to be a thing that brings people together, for example, at concerts, at music festivals and even in pubs, clubs and bars. And I really appreciate the fact that people can enjoy the music together even if they don't get on as friends, or as people. And to be totally cliche, I'm going to quote Abba and say, Thank you for the music, for the song's I'm singing, for all the joy they're bringing....yeah you get my point, haha. So, if you have any songs you want to share, or songs that you feel I would enjoy or be able to relate to, I'm open for suggestions. You can leave a comment or mail me at the address given on the sidebar, or better yet, subscribe using the Google box also on the sidebar! I'll be ever so grateful :P

The Difference A Day Makes.

2008-07-27T14:36:00.004+01:00

Yesterday, I thought, "My life is falling to pieces". I thought this because I was going through a break-up and although I was the heart-breaker, it hurts just as much for me as it does the heartbroken. A break-up is a bit like a death, although it does not compare quite as much, it is still a loss and it still hurts, for all involved. But that is besides the point. I also thought "My life is falling to pieces" because I overheard some friends having a talk about me which they were not aware of. They said some hurtful things though they are unaware that I know and they won't ever know unless I really lose the rag and start yelling left right and center, which is unlikely. I also felt like this because of many other aspects of my life, things that have yet to come, things that I have done that I have to live with. But you know what?

Today, I thought, "What's the point?" what is the point in feeling crap about myself. It's just a waste of time and energy that could be better used elsewhere, being more productive and taking control of my life so I don't have to ever think "My life is falling to pieces" ever again. And although it will be difficult and it will take time to regain control, in the end, it will all be worth it. Life is all about self-discovery, about development and discovering new things about yourself, the people around you and the world in which we live. Why are we wasting our time being sad, when we could be happy? Why do we like sadness so much more? I know that happyness is a hard thing to gain, but if we aren't up for trying, then what's the point in life? There has to come a point when you just say "Fuck this, I'm going to happy, regardless of whatever crap Im going through right now."

Truth is, there will always be crap for you to go through. There will always be someone out their who is trying to take you down with them, but you have to be the better, bigger person and know not to go down, not go back to the miserable you. To stay above and beyond and be happy. And I know you've heard it a billion times before, but let's face it, your life could probably be a hell of a lot worse. So isn't it time, you took a little step backwards, had a look at your life from the outside, took an analysis and start making changes in order to improve the areas that you feel aren't up to your standard of happy? Yes, it is. It's time. So go do it, right now.

I know life is difficult and it seems that it's always "out to get you" but if you don't let it get to you as much then you will finally learn what it's all about. It's time to start living, regardless of the fact that I have just broken-up a relationship, despite the fact that my friends aren't as trustworthy as they seem. We all know really, the only person you can truly trust is yourself, and if you can't make you happy, then who can?

You are probably all wondering what's got into me, that Sami is actually posting a positive blog entry. And yes, I have to thank this blog entitled Think Simple Now because it points out the fact, that yes, it really is that simple, to be happy, to live your life, to gain control. And if that isn't enough for you, then check out Empowered Quotes, some quotes from people who may inspire you to have a good old think about your life. And so, it is with this quote, I leave you, in all my happy-glowy state of mind in hope that you too, will find a happy-glowy state of mind:

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
- Mark Twain

People Are Surprising!

2008-07-25T17:16:00.002+01:00

I know I did it again, say Im back and disappear, but really, I'm spending my time at the minute volunteering for my local summer scheme and therefore a lot of my time is taken up doing that. Anyway, I'm here, really (haha!) :P.

So the other day, I was having a chat with my friend and she told me she liked to write poetry and stories and things like I do. This surprised me because I never thought she would, I don't know why. Usually you get a sense when someones a writer, you just know, it's like a writer-detector in your brain, you can just tell when another writer has entered the room. But then we had a nice little discussion about writing and all this things (no doubt shes reading this and going, That was me!!) haha.

It got me thinking a lot about people. How people surprise you a lot, sometimes you have too low or too high expectations of people and then they surprise you by doing something better than you expected them to do and then it gets you wondering why you had such a high/low opinion of them in the first place. I guess we're all a little judgemental without meaning to be, when we first meet people, we develop a first impression and then we continue to think about their personality based on that first given impression and so when they do something unexpected, you are quite surprised.

My other friend and I had a discussion about writing, about how quite a lot of people, although mostly female, are writers. Or well, they enjoy writing poetry, stories or other such things and yet you wouldn't think it. We then went on to discuss the reasons why we write, for the most part, it's an emotional release. Everybody needs an emotional release somehow, someway and therefore writing becomes one of the main options for people to do that. Words are used in many and various ways everyday and so it shouldn't actually be that surprising when you hear that someone is a writer, or enjoys writing because it's just another way for them to release their emotions.

So yeah, maybe next time someone has got a pen and paper in hand, you should talk to them and ask how they are. Although disturbing them mid-flow isn't actually a good idea, cause like then they loose their train of thought and some piece of writing could be stopped from coming out and being a real good poem/story etc! Anyway, if you too enjoy writing and would like to share some stories or poems, I'm up for listening, just let me know. My email address is at the side if you want to do it privately!

For the meantime, take care of yourselves and I'll be back soon with more outlooks on life and everything in between! :)

The Bigger Picture

2008-07-15T17:19:00.000+01:00

I know I was all "I'm Back, Yay!" and then I went awol for a week, but really, I am back. You see, some crap went down a week or so ago and it made me take some time out, take a step back from life and have a good old think about what was going on in my life.

You see sometimes, you get so bogged down with all the drama and madness of life at the present moment that you forget the bigger picture. The places you want to go, things you want to do, people you want to meet. All of it is just forgotten because the drama of present-life overtakes it all.

That's what happened to me, I got so caught up in the current drama I actually forgot how much of other things in life I wanted to do, see and achieve. I want to pass my A levels and go to Uni, I want to get a degree in English, I want to meet some of my online friends, I want to live in New York. I want to do all of that and more. And yet here I am thinking "What am I going to do tonight, oh my oh my!". When really, it doesn't matter, I should be working toward achieving one of my other main goals. And that's my bigger picture, I see myself, working as a journalist of some sort in New York, happy and all that. And I completely forgot about all of that because of the crap that happened a week ago.

In saying that, if the crap hadn't of happened, I wouldn't have learnt this lesson that I'm talking about now. So, next time you get bogged down in crap, just remember that there is a brighter, bigger, better picture out there, waiting for you to paint it into a masterpiece!

Blogging All Over The World

2008-07-02T21:57:00.002+01:00

With my new blog layout, you will have noticed that I added more links to my blogroll. These are the blogs I read Daily. Some are written by good friends of mine, such as Neill at Bloggy Blog or Sarah at Soul Drift. The others I have just discovered while searching through the interweb.

You will notice that three of the new links involve New York, the place where I long to live. They are daily photo blogs, as in each day they will post a photo from New York. I think it's a nice way for me to learn about NYC and keep in touch with the city even though I'm several thousand miles away.

As well as there being Photo blogs from NYC, there are photo blogs from all over the world that are just waiting to be discovered. Such as this one from Paris, this one from Australia, this one from Las Vegas and this one from Berlin. This website contains a full list of all the daily photo blogs around the world.

I have been inspired by the many photo blogs and went searching to see if there is a Belfast one, I discovered a few but they have become inactive and I've decided to pick up where they left off and start my own Belfast Photo Blog. It's currently under construction but it can be found here. Expect updates at the end of the week, I'm still configuring the layout a bit.

I think it's such an amazing thing that we can see what's going on in places all over the world just by clicking a few buttons. It means we can watch the seasons go by in other countries as well as our own, see the similarities and differences and other such things. So, for now, I'm going to enjoy watching summer all over the world and I hope you will too.

Is chocolate better than sex?

2008-07-01T23:10:00.001+01:00

Although I don't think this "fact" is scientifically proven, I do believe that chocolate is better than sex. For me anyway.

Sex can happen in a mountain of ways. It can be romantic, it can be cold, it can be for work, it can be wham bam thank you ma'am, it can be a lie and it can be just for fun. Having sex one night can easily turn into "Why are you calling me?" the next night and you are given the cold shoulder for the rest of your life. As far as I'm concerned, sex should mean something in order for it to be enjoyable. And if you are to have sex, just for the sake of it, then what's the point?

A wham, bam, thank you ma'am followed by absolutely zilch. What kind of life is that? The cold shoulder is not a fun thing to be on the recieving end of and this is why Chocolate is better. In the cold harsh reality of life, eating chocolate will release endorphins that make you feel better. And chocolate is a lot more accessible than men, all you have to do is go to the shop. Chocolate won't ask you dumb questions, it won't make you pregnant and it certainly doesn't make a mess all over your bed (unless you fall asleep and it melts in your hands).

After doing some research into what other people thought about Chocolate being better than sex, many of my female friends agreed with me (unlucky men eh?!), I found the following list here, which is the Top 20 reasons why Chocolate is better than sex and I wholeheartedly agree with them. So here they are, enjoy!

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

A New Understanding

2008-06-30T15:31:00.001+01:00

Many of you who know me, will know that my ex-boyfriend/first love ran off with my now ex-best friend. This was several years ago now, but the reason I'm bringing it up is because I think I am close to understanding how it must have felt. At the time, I was upset and hurt and in a lot of pain. Loosing two of the most significant people in your life at the same time as well as several others, well it's not a very nice thing to feel.

But recently it dawned on me, that I had feelings for a friend of a friend and how difficult it was for me to keep my feelings under control (most especially since I have a boyfriend). It's been said over time that you can never help how you feel and I suppose I can't help it, but I can keep myself at bay, so as not to hurt anyone (inevitable as it is).

For my ex, he must have felt guilty for having these feelings and at the same time, not regretting having them because it's how he felt, and she was something he wanted. I know you can't always have what you want, but you can try. And if you are in a dead-end relationship and you are after someone else, then it's unfair to lead the other person on, no matter how afraid you are of loosing that person, or hurting them.

As people, it is up to us to do the right thing. To be honest and be the best person we can be, although this proves difficult. As well as dealing with our own feelings, we have to consider other people's feelings and take them into account when making decisions that involve such persons. And we also must consider the consequences of our actions, if we are to see them through.

So although I had my heart broken, my friendships lost and my life torn to shreds in a simple matter of seconds, there were reasons behind the decisions made that I have only come to realise now. In a way, I should be thankful that the relationship ended when it did, it would have been unfair on me if I was lead on by my ex and if he was to continue to lie to himself about the feelings he had for my friend.

I know some of you are probably a bit confused about my thought process right now, but when you are put at the other end of the spectrum, when history repeats itself and you are put in a different position, you begin to see and learn things in a different light. You are aware of all the dangers, of all the risks, the hurt and the pain that can be caused, and you begin to understand reasons why it had to happen.

Although I will never fully comprehend the thought process of my ex and my friend at the time, this new understanding that has come to light has made some things make a little more sense. I guess what I'm really trying to say is be honest with yourself and then be honest with those around you. Lies only create more problematic situations when the truth is finally told and you wouldn't want that now would you?

Back With A Vengeance!

2008-06-29T19:02:00.003+01:00

Well, I don't know about the vengeance, but nonetheless, I am back! It's been a good while and I haven't been posting due to exams and other life stuff, the fun of it all, you know? Haha.

Anyway, you'll be glad to know, I'm here and I've got plenty of entries lined up to keep you guys reading for the entire summer (hopefully!) and hopefully if I advertise enough, I'll get some good responses going and all that jazz.

For now, I am going to go make the final edits to the few entries I've written already and for the meantime, you can enjoy my lovely new layout.

Before I go, I must mention about the Warchild book. You'll remember the entry I wrote entitled 'Giving Something Back', where I mentioned a book being made by Sarah J Peach called 'You're not the only one'. The story goes, a bunch of bloggers got together, sent in some stories, and they were made into a book. The idea being, that each blogger will have hopefully had an experience that someone else could relate to and that we're not the only one! Haha. So yes, the book is finally finished and so far, £1k has been made from purchases. So if you're interested, click on the link over there > somewhere and purchase your own special copy!

Anyway! I hope you guys are making the most of what little sunshine there is at the moment and come back tomorrow for the first of my new entries :)

Sami
xoxo

So, It's Been A While...

2008-05-10T18:21:00.002+01:00

Hey Guys,

I know it's been a while since my last update and you're all probably wondering where I've disappeared too. Well, for me, it's exam season and I am undertaking very important exams so I don't really have a lot of time for blogging.

So I will consider this, a mini-hiatus and hopefully, come middle of June, I will be back, with plenty of blogs to post, a new blog look and some interesting stories! For now, I hope you all are well and that you are having fun whatever you are doing.

Since this blog was inspired by sex and the city, I feel it is only apt that I do some sex and the city promotion, the new movie is out May 30th! Go see it, I know I will! I can't wait!

So, that's done. I should be back sometime after June 13th.

Take Care
Sami & The City.

Secrets.

2008-04-19T23:48:00.002+01:00

They say what you don't know can't hurt you, but I've been pondering on this statement for quite a while recently. It's a statement that is used at least once everyday somewhere in the world by somebody trying to protect themselves, or to stop themselves from hurting another person. But isn't it the not knowing that hurts? We all have secrets and we all have the right to privacy, but when these secrets involve someone else, is it really a secret? And is it your right to keep it a secret?

By not telling people, you are keeping things botttled up, and talking from experience, bottling things up is never a good idea. Why? Because eventually, you will have bottled so much up that one day your gonna pop the cork(excuse the pun) and just erupt a whole galleon of emotion. And that's when people's worlds seem to come crumbling down, because they've had this build up and build up and then a final release, but in this release all they've done is show that they have made life a little more difficult for themselves than they should have.

Aren't we all encouraged to be honest and open? And isn't 'honesty the best policy?'. And if so, then why do we tell lies? Why do we hide secrets? Is it because we are afraid of hurting someone? Is it because we are afraid of being hurt ourselves? Or is it because we are too embarassed to admit to feeling something we dont want to? Or, is it because we are ashamed of ourselves? Are we keeping secrets to avoid shame and embarassment, or just pure hurt?

Can you live with the guilt (if you are guilty...) of having a secret that could destroy somebody elses whole world? In a matter of seconds, trust can be broken, but in a matter of months it can be re-built. But if someone has been dishonest and broken your trust, can you ever forgive them? You might say that yes, you trust them again, but you know deep inside that you don't and you might never trust them again.

I once ended a relationship on the basis of broken trust. I still talk to the guy as friends, though it is not often. But I don't trust him like I used to and I doubt that I ever will. And yet here I am, sitting wondering what I should do because I've got myself into a bit of a predicament (no, I'm not going to tell you what it is...!).

And having got myself into this predicament, its bringing up issues about myself. Am I really this dishonest disloyal person? Is that really who I want to be? And if not, why don't I come clean? What am I afraid of? What is the worst that could happen? And if I am any sort of decent human, wouldn't I, out of pure respect for the other person, tell them that I am shit at life? Am I afraid of loosing them? And even if I want to come clean, how do I do it? Do I sit them down over a coffee and be like "Um, Im sorry but Im a dick?". Or do I tell them via telephone, text, email? How do you go about spilling your secrets?

I don't want to be dishonest. I don't want to be who I seem to have become. Yet, I still can't help wondering if its better for all of us If I lived with my own guilt and left everyone else out of it. This brings me back to my first statement about what you dont know can't hurt you. In matters of the mind and heart, what do you do when you have a secret that should be spilled but you just cant seem to spill it?

Adventures in Manland.

2008-04-17T15:37:00.008+01:00

I know it’s been a while since my last update, but really, I’ve had no inspiration whatsoever due to the stresses of my life. As an A level student I am consistently required to be working at least 12 hours a day. Impossible, I know, but that’s the general consensus.

So the “lucky” woman that I am, I got to be privileged to go on an adventure into man-land. Man-land, my friends, is specifically, male territory, or a male night out. And no, I didn’t have to put a sock down my pants and pretend to be a male, I was there as a “girlfriend”. Don’t ask. So anyway, I decided that since I often whine about men and how shit they are it would be useful to blog about my adventure in man-land, and I know the males are looking forward to my critical opinion :P!

Upon arrival, I discovered a living room full of 5 males drinking beer and playing poker. Since I have no clue about how to play poker, I let them get on with it and sat and smiled like an idiot. During this stage of the night, I “overheard” the remark ‘ham sandwich’ followed by ‘spaghetti junction’ – and they didn’t mean it in the way of ‘I would like a ham sandwich or some spaghetti please…’ Take the comments into a sexual context, and then you’ll understand. Now, I’m not sure of what exactly was meant, or was suggested as I wasn’t supposed to hear the comment but I did. Note to men: Women aren’t deaf and they will hear everything you say while in the same room.

But moving on from the sex remark. There are some things I want to pick up on about men, one being Beer. Beer is a man-drink, without a hell of a doubt. But when your man is drinking beer, it puts me right off. I do not want to kiss your smelly beer breath cause I don’t want the beer breath myself. The second thing, Football, shortly after I was greeted and introduced, I was informed about the football associations of the group. It was like two for Arsenal or Chelsea or something blue, and Two for Liverpool, and Liverpool had just won and so there was a bit of a male atmosphere of “WE WON, FUCK YOU NERNERNAHAHA’. Delightful, absolutely delightful. Note to men: Girls do not give a living shit about football (unless they tell you specifically that they are and want to take you to a football match). I just don’t get what fun it is to kick a football around a field. Although, I stated this and was given back the statement that ‘Football is to men, what shopping is to women’. Fair enough. You stick to the football and we’ll stick to the shopping.

After leaving the house party, we moved on to a bar that we sometimes frequent. Although this bar was shit because it was headbangers night, so we left that one and moved onto another called ‘The Back Bar’. You can guess why it’s called this, because it’s at the back of another bar, well done, you’re smart. This bar wasn’t so bad, though I had never been there before and wasn’t entirely comfortable with going out of my safety zone with 4 people I barely knew, but I did. One thing I must note about this bar, is the fact that it was full of older people trying to pull and it played random tunes, but what the hey it was fun anyway. During the night, a song was request by one of my guy friends, called ‘White Lines’ – you can only guess what its about. But we were all standing in a circle when it came on and suddenly they all just started singing and moving while I stood there like a true girl, water in hand (hey, I was ill) and watched them with critical eyes, wondering just what the hell they were on about. I have to admit though, watching 4 guys move and sing consecutively was pretty funny. But following this, there were other songs, and my friends, I’m a girl and I cannot dance, but my god, those boys cannot dance! But in a good natured and friendly way, it was nice that they tried and made the effort to do so.

As the night wore on, drinks were piling in, beer after beer while I still had my one glass of water. They did try to argue with me and try to get me to drink but my statement of ‘If I have another alcoholic beverage, I will vomit on your shoes’ seemed to shut them up. So as they were getting drunker and drunker, I was getting even more sober (if that’s possible). One of the guys I was with started flirting with me which was nice in a way (even though, yes I am taken at the moment), but it’s always nice to know that there are still others out there who wouldn’t mind a piece of your ass (yes, I did just say that). So, a little flirting went on (if my man is reading this – it’s woman’s nature to flirt and you know it…!) and it was nice to flirt again with someone new, even if we both knew nothing would happen. And it was nice to talk to someone else, to learn a little bit about them and make a new connection, a new friend with them, no matter how drunk they were, or how bad they were at rock paper scissors.

At some stage during the night, when some people were drunk-tastic, we had some thumb wars (I let the side down girls and lost repeatedly!) but I did win pretty much at rock paper scissors which followed after thumb wars. The guy I was playing RPS with was drunk as hell, and when he lost he yelled ‘I am going to hell, me and Hitler and Stalin in hell!’ Good luck with that one, my friend. But I very much doubt you are going to hell because you lost rock paper scissors.

On a more serious note, it must be a guy thing, because they pick thee worst times to ask people serious and important questions. In the middle of a bar, full of drunken people and perverts, one of the guys said to the other ‘I am going to propose to my girlfriend later this year. Will you be my best man?’ Now, as sweet as it is that they were considering their friend for such an important job, I don’t quite think it was the right time to ask. I said this to the best man, and he said it was a guy thing, that it takes time and a lot of courage (via alcohol) to ask someone such a question. So in that aspect, I suppose I can see the point. But I still feel there was a better time and place for such questions to be proposed. But each to their own, really.

So, I seem to have written quite a lot on Man-land, but have gained no real insight to the complex sex we call the male species. But one thing I will mention is that women are right about one thing, men are worried about their penis size, and they do feel good if they are bigger than their friends and sometimes during flirting they actually like you, and want to take you there and then. Well note to men, sometimes women want you to take us there and then too. Unfortunately, it’s never the right time, the right place, or the right person.

And here ends my adventure into Man-land. And I admit, it wasn't that bad, it could have been worse. Now, if only I was a fly on the wall to find out what it's like when women aren't actually around (haha).

One In Several Million Others.

2008-03-24T18:37:00.003Z

Often, women find themselves asking, 'Where have all the good guys gone?'. And really, where have they gone? Were they ever there in the first place? Well, ladies, I dont think they've actually gone anywhere. We just haven't found them. And why? Because they're hiding. And where are they hiding? Online, my friends, online!

According to a survey carried out by a company called Parship, there is now a 50:50 chance that your single friends are logging on to find love! In 2007 alone, 7.8 million people logged online to find a date by using an online dating website! The statistics even show that there are more men logging on than women, a mere 48% of women compared to the 52% of men!

And so far this year, 65% of singles have logged on for love! And again, according to this survey in Britain alone, there are at least 15 million single people! Isn't that astonishing? The population of Britain is around 65 million people, and if there 15 million singles, thats at least 23% of British people who are still searching! So my friends, if 7.8 million people are using online dating websites to find a partner, thats just over half of the 15 million singles!

If you have ever considered online dating websites but were too embarrassed, don't be! He's out there somewhere amongst several million others and if you are to join an online dating website, such as POF, or OK!Cupid then you are that one little step closer to finding him! And if you are still embarrassed because your other single friends are all "Omg! Online dating! How low can you get!" then show them this article with the statistics and be proud of yourself for having the confidence to put yourself out there!

Although, I will give you this. We are all well aware of the perverts and pedophiles that lurk around the interweb, so get to know someone first before you arrange to meet. And when you do, take a friend with you and get her to lurk a couple of meters behind. And then when you feel comfortable enough to take the rest of the time on your own, text her and let her know she can go home. And then, ring her when you get home safely! And then, do the same for her when she needs it! It means that you are both safe and if he turns out to be a right bore, you can text her to fake an emergency phone call and then run off for a drink together elsewhere!

But anyway, next time you are feeling down about being single, just remember this article and how you are only one single in 14 999 999 others!

A Quick Hello.

2008-03-20T13:34:00.003Z

Hey Guys!

This post is just to let you know that I'm alive. Things are a bit mad at my side of town. I've been having my room renovated and my computer hasn't been plugged in and I haven't really had the time to sit down and blog.

However, I have had some ideas which I've jotted down and you should expect some new stuff within the next week or so as things begin to get back on track. Also, expect a complete new blog makeover with some new photos and stuff! I've had some nice ideas for this place.

So anyway, I hope you're all having a Good Easter and try not to eat too many Easter eggs! :P

I'm gonna try with this blog as well, to bring things onto a personal level, I realised I might sound really condescending in some of my entries and stuff and that's not what I want. But yeah, some changes are on their way!

Have fun!
Sami
:)

Life Advice.

2008-02-24T17:51:00.001Z

For a long long time, I've believed, that people are sent into my life for one of the following reasons:

1. For me to help them
2. For them to help me.
3. For us to help each other
4. For me to help them help themselves.

Well, you get the idea, it's all to do with helping and supporting each other. Now, in theory, this might seem a little stupid. But, if you know me and know some of the situations I've been in, you might be able to identify it. And in practice, you might wonder, if I am so busy helping other people, do I ever help myself?

Well, of course I do. By helping other people, I learn from their situations, and sometimes I have to help people on a more personal level and that helps me. And I know it seems a little strange, when I meet someone new I know they've come into my life for one of the reasons aforementioned. And you're probably wondering, well, how do you know if a person is just for you and not for you to help?

Sometimes, you just know. If someone is really special and really for you, you will know. And sometimes, I might get veered off course and think that someone is for me, because they've convinced me but in the end, it'll work out the other way. And sometimes, people don't need any help, they just need a new friend and that's fair enough. I'm happy to be friends with people who want to be friends. I'm not all about 'hiya. what's your problem and how can I help?'. It happens over time. So if I haven't had an effect on your life and your in mine, well watch out :P. Nah, Im joking.

I am believer of 'What's meant to be will always find it's way'. Because it's true really, if something is MEANT to happen, it will. I know that idea is slightly out there and arguements like fate and destiny and religion somewhat could be brought into it. But for once, just go with it, don't question. If you want to believe it, then do. And while I'm on this somewhat path of giving life advice, another thing. Any situation, no matter what, it isn't actually ever as bad as it seems. I know at the worst of times, you think you're going to die or have a heart attack or something, and those are drastic, but you'd be surprised how many people go that far with a situation that makes them nervous or causes discomfort. In the end, it turns out, they survived because the situation wasn't as bad as they thought it was going to be! See my point?

I mean, we all have days when we feel like shit and we even have days were we look like shit, and some days just are shit. But at the end of the day, we can say we survived. And in my experience, there's nothing better than being able to say that you survived. It's worth every panicking moment where you think you're going to die! :P. So, I've given all my life advice for today, and hopefully you might take something from it, and if not, well, just survive will ya!

Dancing On Clouds.

2008-02-23T15:21:00.001Z

I met a man about a month ago and have been talking with him ever since. We've been on several dates and had a few snogathons in our time. When we first started chatting he used the analogy that 'English is like dancing on clouds. Maths is finding out why the clouds are shaped thusly'.

From that analogy, I knew he would turn out to be interesting. And he did. He challenged everything I believed in. But I always stood my ground even if he tried to convince me otherwise. I'm not easily fooled :P. But he still had respect for me. Which contrasts with my other post entitled 'No, Women shouldn't back down'.

What I want to share about this experience is that, he taught me something that I've long challenged and whined about. I once heard the quote 'I'm looking for one guy to prove that they're not all the same'. And ever since I heard it, I've been looking for that one guy to do so. And then I met him. And yes, I'm admitting it here and now, he did prove it. He respected my ideals, my feminist qualities even if he got annoyed by them, he didn't rush me into sex and he was willing to wait for me to decide what I want.

He is an awesome guy. He's just not the one for me (much to his disappointment :P). But what I will say is this, that whoever the girl is that he ends up with, will be very deserving of this man's company. He is something different and he is definitely worth being with. And if he's reading this, he knows exactly that this is about him. He probably won't believe me, but I do think you're awesome! And I mean everything I've just said.

Anyway, back on topic before I get too sentimental (haha!), he proved that men aren't all the same. I told him that although he might have done this, he was only one man in a million, to which he replied 'That's all you need for hope'. He's smart I tell you. Because, he was right. (Shock horror, I'm admitting a man was right?! haha!). I'm still going to be cautious when I meet new men but I know deep down inside of me, there will be a hope that this one might not be a bastard!

And that hope will be generated from my experience with the man I've just been talking about. And I know, if ever he reads this, he will be smiling about it! I just wanted to share this experience with you and hopefully one day, if you are anything like me, you might meet a man who changes your view, if only slightly.

So now, I'm going to leave this entry with an analogy and hopefully, he might take something from it, and if not, I hope he just smiles! So, here it is:

Life is like dancing on clouds, it's fun, but kind of pointless, until you find someone to dance on clouds with.

My Business Is To Create!

2008-02-22T16:56:00.003Z

I was feeling a little stressed out earlier so I made a post in my private journal. In that post I wrote:

“Sometimes I just wish that I could just do what I want to do. Just sit around and write. And drink tea. And laugh and be happy and somewhat carefree.

Unfortunately for all of us, life isn't like that.”

I was later discussing this with a friend and he told me how he and his other friend had some kind of connection for business, but it’s locked. He said that they feel they are both here for a greater purpose. They’re made to do something more. They just don’t know what it is yet.

And this got me thinking. Are we all here for a greater purpose? A greater purpose – let’s define that. If you do something for a greater purpose, you are doing it for something else. For a reason other than yourself. We may not know what that reason is but what we do know is that it feels right to be doing it. A greater purpose – it’s almost something divine – but let’s not bring religion into this.

I was once informed that, “To understand is to inspire”. I have thought about this long and hard. It’s a short but meaningful statement. And what I deduced from it is that, if you can understand someone’s situation, if you have experienced something similar, or if you just know what someone is talking about and you really understand it, then you are able to inspire that person. Now, in logic, it seems a little silly. But let’s think about it. If you are able to understand someone’s situation, say you might have experienced it yourself before, then you are able to inspire them. It makes sense. If you give someone advice about the situation then they will think about it (though they might deny it). But they will go away and think about it and they might act upon that advice. And therefore, by understanding their situation and giving your ideas/opinions/advice, you have inspired that person to take a further action in order to possibly improve that situation for them. And therefore, you have understood, and you have inspired.

So let’s take all this and relate it to myself. Essentially, I am a writer. I have a genuine passion for writing poems, stories, prose, scripts etc. It’s something I enjoy. And I do it for a purpose (believe it or not). With everything I write, I hope that if someone ever reads it, that they may feel inspired. In saying that though, some of my poetry can be rather depressing and I hope I don’t inspire people to take the path I chose, but to take the other one. In essence, when I write poetry or whatever, I hope that people are inspired by my experiences to do something about their own, if they understand it. On many rare occasions I have inspired someone somewhere and they have told me. And this has made me feel extremely happy, because I fulfilled the purpose I intended too. But is this my greater purpose? Am I destined to write forever in order to inspire others? (Not that I’m complaining…).

Whilst I was away off in thinking land, thinking about all of this, a quote came to my mind. I recently went to see a movie for the third time (it was a good movie!) and this quote had never been brought to my attention until I heard it. I know little about the author who wrote it, though I know it was taken from a somewhat religious ‘story’. The man I am talking about is Mister William Blake, who in his book Jerusalem, wrote:

"I must create a system or be enslaved by another mans; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create."

The part that got me, was the ‘my business is to create’. This is quite apt and is also the part that is significant in the movie. If I want to make people understand, if I want to inspire them, obviously I’ve got to create something. So that’s what I do. I create entries on blogs (i.e. here...), I take photographs and I write poems/stories/scripts/prose. I create, to make people understand and to inspire them. Essentially, it IS my business to create.

So, I’m not going to go on anymore, I’ve already posed quite a lot of things that you might want to think about. And I hope that whenever you read my blog, that one day you might feel inspired and if not, I just hope that you enjoy it. And perhaps, you might discover your own greater purpose, perhaps you already know it and maybe just maybe, our purposes might cross paths. But who knows?

No, Women Shouldn't Back Down.

2008-02-21T17:11:00.001Z

I was made aware recently of a situation with my friend. She had been asked to go as someone's date to our school formal (sorry if your reading this...). They had arranged to go in the Limo with her friends. That arrangement was settled a long time ago. Then just the other morning, the guy walks in and is like "How are you getting there? There is room for you in our limo..." His friends and him had arranged another limo. My friend got extremely annoyed and frustrated with this because she had already made arrangements and now he was just being annoying about it.

I don't know if they resolved the situation, but last time I chatted with her about it, neither of them were willing to back down. And It got me thinking. Men usually expect women to do all the running. We're supposed to give up OUR plans to go with theirs. And sometimes, it's fair enough to do so if their situation is worse case scenario, or its something better than what you had originally planned. However in this situation, the man was wrong and isn't willing to admit it!

I told my friend to stand her ground. She has no reason to back down because her arrangements were made first and she should do what makes her happy, not what makes him happy. I was also in the car when she was telling her mum about this situation and her mum (she's really happy!) said something about her needing to give the man some respect at the same time.

This set me off thinking, again (haha). In the situation I mentioned, where was the respect for my friend? She had gone to lengths to arrange so that he could go with her and her friends in the limo and now he was organizing something else. That isn't respectful at all. That's just darn right rude. If you're going to ask someone somewhere and they tell you they've already got arrangements to get there, then you shouldn't bloody well go and organise something else.

And sure, I understand, each of them wants to be with their own friends, I mean its the last large school event that they'll all get time to spend with each other. But come on, it's only to get there! If it was me, I would tell him to wise up and that he either comes with me, or we don't go together at all. Because it's just creating situations that don't need to be situations.

Apologies to my friend if she ever reads this, I'm sure she doesn't really want the details of her private life on the internet, but that's why i left out names. I just wanted to share this situation, because it made me think about how men always want women to do the dirty work, when they're perfectly capable of doing it themselves. It just shows that men (I know it's a bit of a large generalization but...) don't always respect women.

[*Waits patiently for hate mail from men complaining that they do respect women and that this guy had every right to go and organise something else, when clearly he didn't! Fuck you too!*]

Never-Ending Drama.

2008-02-20T16:20:00.001Z

[Note: For the purposes of this blog, all names have been changed.]

Every relationship I’ve gone into has had some kind of drama before it. For example, my first relationship started a few days after Joe’s best friend ran up to me and said “JOE FANCIES YOU!” right in my face.

My second started after he came back from a religious festival and I told him how I had felt for a long time and he was a bit like “Whoa, you should have told me!” Although that’s not really drama, the drama was that everybody else hated him and didn’t want me to go out with him.

My third relationship started 12 hours after my 2^nd finished and involved drama because I had screamed and yelled at my 2^nd guy for breaking my trust. The other drama was that we decided not to tell anybody about it until Christmas (this was October) and everybody was getting slightly paranoid and suspicious.

My fourth wasn’t a relationship, more of a snog session because we were both slightly intoxicated.

And then we come to my fifth. The drama with this one was, I met him online and we hadn’t met before, but we had this kind of debate/argument and were about to walk out on each other. So then I turned up at the same place he was and he nearly had a heart attack. To say the least, if I had a picture of his face when he saw me, you’d be wetting yourself right about now.

My point is, everything that seems significant in my life, and we can’t deny that relationships are, seems to have had some kind of drama, some kind of major event that happens before something starts. Something ends and something soon after begins.

This reminds me of something that David Mitchell wrote in his book, Black Swan Green, that I think is quite true, and somewhat relevant:

“The world won't leave things be. It's always injecting endings into beginnings. Leaves tweezer themselves from these weeping willows. Leaves fall into the lake and dissolve into slime. Where's the sense in that... The world never stops unmaking what the world never stops making. But who says the world has to make sense?”

I have to say, David Mitchell really did capture it in a sentence. And I agree with him. It’s a bit like the saying ‘With every closing door there is an opening window’. Every-time something ends, something else begins. It makes logical sense. For example, if a TV programme ends, adverts begin (yeah, that was a bad example but you get the point).

I’ve discovered that every time something in my life ends and something new begins, something smashes. For example, I had a glass rose once upon a time (and it was lovely!) but when my 2^nd relationship ended and my third one began, it just fell and broke in half. When my 5^th relationship began, a glass was smashed. Maybe it’s representative of the smashing time that people had with me, and the smashing time the new people are going to have. (Yes, that was a joke).

I’ve kind of gone off point. My point is, drama seems to follow me! I know that sounds really stupid, but I do worry about it. I know I’m still quite young and that the ‘teenage drama’ (I’m 18…) years might not quite be over. But I wonder, does the drama ever end? Or does it just transmigrate into a different form as we grow up? Does the ‘teenage drama’ turn into ‘adult drama’? I.e. does the drama about boyfriends become drama about husbands? Does the drama about schoolwork turn into the office work? Does the drama about not having any money to go out turn into not having any money to pay the bills?

In effect, does drama just transmigrate from one thing to another? Or do we ever finally get rid of it? Are we destined to be dramatists forever? Or do we grow up and let the drama fade away? If life is a play, then we’re all actors/actresses and the drama of our lives is the drama of the play. In a play, the drama ends when the play does. So in life, does the drama end when we do?

In The Eyes Of Our Elders

2008-02-19T18:35:00.002Z

I was lying down just last night and I was thinking about how other people might see me. Often, when I look in the mirror, I find it hard to comprehend that the face staring back at me, is me and I am looking at what other people see.

It’s a bit of a weird thought and might be slightly confusing but I just thought it was strange. When we are interacting with people, we can’t see ourselves. We just hope that we look good and we try our best to do so. Someone told me the other day, that when you see someone for the first time and if you get that feeling that you don’t like them, but you can’t place why, it’s because in the split second that you looked at them, they have blinked which has caused a reaction in their face and from that reaction you have seen something negative which makes you automatically dislike them. It’s all a bit psychological, but apparently it’s true. I did happen to find that quite interesting though.

So then I started thinking about how older people see me. I am 18 years old, still quite young and I still look like I’m about 15. I wonder, do older people see me as a young immature girl? Do they think that I’m innocent and have still got to experience a whole load of shit that life is going to hand me? Or do they see my experiences in my eyes, or on my face? Can they tell what I’ve been through? Or by wearing make-up and smiling at them, am I giving the impression that I’ve had this great life and I’m still young and have my whole life ahead of me? What do they see? And what do they take from what they see?

I mean, I know I am still young. But I am quite mature for my age; I’ve had to grow up a little before my time. And I know that seems to be the norm these days in society and when I’m saying all this, I feel like you are all going to be thinking ‘Oh, another teenage sob story, here we go’. When really, it’s not like that at all! The truth of the matter is, I have been hurt, I have had to grow up, I have experienced sadness and regret and I have even gone as far as to hurt myself. And admittedly, a lot of us have. But every person’s story is different; everybody does things for different reasons. Everybody is different. So why are we so quick to judge?

Do we really go on the belief system about stereotypes? Does every older person think that teenagers are just angsty and haven’t had any experience of the real world? In the eyes of our elders, what are we? When we see people for the first time and in the split second that we look at them, do we deduct something negative? And do we ignore them cause of our negative instinct? Are we really that shallow?

I know I’ve posed a lot of unanswerable questions, questions I myself ponder on time and time again. But I just wonder sometimes, is this really what the human condition is being reduced to? Are we really becoming shallow stereotypical judgmental arseholes? Or are we just going with ‘society’ and becoming social numb nuts?

Whatever the answer, I do think it’s time we take a real good look at what we’re tuning into; because I don’t think it’s anything to be proud of. The least we could do, is respect our elders and show them that we’re not young immature idiots and that we do have some kind of good moral upbringing. At the end of the day, they are the ones who have paved the way for us to have the lives that we do and are we really going to pay them back by being idiots? No, I didn’t think so.

Giving Something Back

2008-02-18T17:58:00.007Z

This year I have plans to participate in several charity events. I don’t really know why but I do know that it is for a good cause and well, that can’t really be anything bad can it?

I was at my friend’s house when she handed me the invitation saying ‘You are invited to Race for Life’. Her mum had put our names down to do it as their family had been doing it for a couple of years now. Basically, you walk/run/jog 5 miles and it’s for breast cancer. It’s mainly a woman’s thing but men can do it too. So we have signed up. The one here is on June 1^st at 11am so, if you are also from here and are willing to try something new, then go over to Race For Life and check it out.

I was discussing Race for Life with my friend when I remembered I had heard about another charity thing entitled ‘You’re Not the Only One’. The intention of this is to collect experiences from bloggers all over the net who submit their stories and experiences. The stories will then be selected and published in a book which will be priced at £9. Out of those nine pounds, £4.50 of it will be donated to the charity War Child. More info can be found here: Peach so hop on over if you’re interested! Although, the deadline is under two weeks from now!

In an entry I made last year, I wrote about how women in Africa are punished by being put in a box and left to fry in the sun of the desert. Well I was given this information by a girl from Amnesty International who stopped me when I was in town one day. Now, as a student myself, I can’t particularly afford to be paying off a couple of pounds a month, and I know that seems totally selfish, but what can you do. However, I am linking them here in order to show my support for the work that they do! So here we go: Amnesty International

Finally, my other somewhat charitable acts, I click on this website everyday: The Animal Rescue Website for every time you click the, donate now button, 0.6 portions of food for animals is donated. I think this is a great idea, although I do have my doubts about whether it actually works or not. But let’s stay positive and hope that it does!

Many a time in life, we pass each other by, not knowing each other’s stories or what that other person may have gone through. We simply choose to ignore the horrid truth of people’s lives and go on with our own. A lot of the time, we are selfish and self-obsessed, we often feel that we have no time to focus on others and help them, because we’re too busy with ourselves and our own problems. I won’t be the last to admit it. Although I do my fair share of playing agony aunt, but admittedly, it is something I like to do, helping others that is. So I feel by doing these several small donations for charity, I am giving something back to life, because although it has been hard at the best of times, I have been happy and everything could be a lot lot worse.

So if I have made you feel somewhat guilty (that wasn’t my intention…) then why don’t you try something I’ve mentioned above? Or next time you feel like passing somebody by, just ask them how they are. It won’t cause you any harm. If you are kind to life, it might just be kind to you!

Friendship, Flowers & The Past.

2008-02-06T21:48:00.000Z

Often you hear people say that friends are the most important thing to them and that boyfriends will come and go, but friends will always stick by you.

Once upon a time, I had a friend who I thought would stick by me, no matter what. And during our friendship I had the most horrible break up and I thought I'll be alright, I have my friends. Unfortunately, I was proven wrong as not much time thereafter, my so-called friend, went off with my ex. Admittedly, that wasn't a fun time in my life.

And maybe I was wrong to befriend her in the first place, our ideals weren't really the same and we didn't see all that much of each other. But nonetheless, when you open your heart to someone and let them into your life, you expect some kind of respect to go along with that. And dating your friend's ex is right out there on the no-go scale.

There's a certain level of trust that goes along with being somebody's friend. And that's where many people find that they have problems. I know, I do. We've all been hurt before by friends, by lovers and sometimes even by family. And that's why when someone new comes along, we put up our guard. We don't immediately let them come walking right through the gates to our hearts. We have to let them find the key to open them first before we let them in. And even then, it takes time and effort. We aren't just going to drop everything for this someone new, no matter how much we want to, or how much we think that they won't hurt us. Because somewhere deep down inside us says, that we don't know that and that there is still always a possibility for being hurt.

And I know, we shouldn't dwell on our past, on our hurt, we should look positively and brightly to the future, but it is really never that easy, is it? Not everything is black and white. There are always grey areas. Areas that tell us that we know better than to let our guard down, or when we do, that we should have known better in the first place. It's a grey world, it's complex and complicated and although at times, it doesn't have to be, our human nature seems to complicate it anyway.

As each season rolls around, new people seem to come into our lives and some tend to leave for whatever reasons. Friendship can be seen to be exactly the same as the seasons, we meet in Spring and friendship blossoms and forms, and throughout summer we shine and become great friends. Then towards autumn, we begin to decay and perhaps have arguments and by winter, the friendship has died. But soon enough, spring rolls around again and new friendships come and go like they did before.

I was thinking about this metaphor when I cast my mind back to a friendship I used to have, we used to say we were roses, each of us represented one colour, white for peace, red for love and black for death. Although it seems somewhat childish, it occurred to me that our metaphor of roses was right. Friendships are exactly like roses, they bloom and there is love and peace and unfortunately, they die but new roses grow from where the old ones used to be and the cycle goes on forever, blooming and shining and dying, then starting all over again.

It kind of goes to show, that even though your current friendships might not last, there will always be new ones that will grow and that you will learn to cherish them, no matter how much hurt it causes you. At the end of the day, you know that there will always be someone there for you when you need them to be and even when they do move on, you will cherish that friendship for what it was, not what it became.

To Nit-Pick Or Not To Nit-pick?

2008-01-14T20:45:00.000Z

I am a student of the arts. Mainly of, the creative arts such as Media studies and English. However, recently I've been studying for an upcoming English module retake and I got so frustrated with all the silly information I have to learn.

Literature is defined as: "the writings dealing with a particular subject". Nowhere, in that definition does it suggest that literature is where we analyze a play, a poem, or a story in anyway. What good does that do anyone? Literature, literally, is writing that deals with a particular subject. And the writer is likely to identify this subject in the introduction, or notes. Therefore, why do we insist on nit-picking things apart?

Is it just human instinct? Do we need to nit-pick, to find the flaws and the perfections and meanings so that we ourselves can identify with what the writer is trying to say? Can we not just accept things for what they are? And what they were meant to be? Is it really necessary for us to pull things apart to see the bigger picture? And if so, are we really that blind that we can't see it in the first place?

As I am writing these words, are you trying to find a hidden meaning in what I'm trying to say? Are you thinking "Oh shes writing this because she is upset with her life because she cant revise literature and therefore wrote this post as a result"? Well, let me tell you something.

I'm writing this post because I am a writer. I am interested in the particular subject of literature and therefore am dealing with it in the way that literature defines me to do so. I am not using smilies, or rhetorical questions so that you can sit here and pick apart every word I've just written in order to find a hidden meaning.

There is no hidden meaning. This is what I'm saying. This is not what literature is about. We should be being taught how to put into effect the things which we are told to look for. That way, we can identify on how to do them ourselves and then we won't need to nit-pick things apart, because we'll know what to look for and will understand things as the bigger picture.

So now I'm off to be the good literature student that I am [not..] and nit-pick apart some Seamus Heaney, Brian Friel and William Shakespeare. And I bet, in the time that these writers existed, not one of the audience was thinking of the hidden meaning while watching the play or reading the poem.

Repetition, Repetition, Repetition.

2008-01-08T20:37:00.000Z

I've had a private journal for four years now and just the other day I was reading some of my backdated entries.

Much to my horror, I realized that some of things I used to complain about all those years ago, somehow, I still seem to complain about them now. Although the situations usually involve different people or places. Something is different but yet my complaint is the same.

It got me thinking. Are we destined to make the same repetitive mistakes? Are we just living the same old story with brand new people? And can we ever change its course? Can we somehow live the same story but negotiate the outcome?

I once wrote in a poem 'Because that's what the present is, just an updated version of the past'. It wasn't until now that I realized how true my words were.

And they say that you learn from your mistakes. If we are making the same mistakes over and over, are we really ever learning anything?

Turn The Lights On.

2008-01-06T15:18:00.001Z

I once heard the lyric:

'It's hard to be courageous in a world that doesn't care for you.'

Lately, I've discovered how true this statement is. Life is hard, life is unfair and from my experiences, life will almost always disappoint you. Now I know that sounds terribly depressing and you're probably all groaning and thinking 'then what's the fucking point?'. Trust me, if I knew the answer to that question, I'd be a millionaire by now.

I was lying in my bed last night, plunged into the darkness and I was feeling lonely and lost and completely stupid. And when you're in this state, you do truly begin to wonder about the world and whether it does truly care for you. Really, it doesn't.

There is one time in your life when it will. The world will care for you in your fifteen minutes of fame. But once those fifteen minutes are over you are thrown back to the hungry wolves and left to struggling to fend for yourself and trying to make it through another day. And when you're struggling,that's when you realize you need to find a way out. You could befriend a wolf, become a wolf or hide/run away from them. But what keeps you going, is hope and knowing. You know and/or you hope, that you will make it through.

And although the world may not care, if you take that step and be courageous you will find out that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You just need to find a way to turn it on. I somehow managed to turn mine on by confiding in a friend, who at the same time is a complete stranger. But at 2am, they were there for me and somewhere in the darkness, a light turned on for me and it gave me hope that I was able to go on. And although the light turned on, and the world opened up to me, it still didn't care, but neither did I.

All that matters is just existing and knowing that someone out there does care and will be there to help you turn the light on, if needs be. And even if their advice isn't the greatest, you could always take a trip to IKEA and buy a night light and turn it on yourself.

People won't always be there for you, and that's when you learn that sometimes, you just gotta take care of yourself.

Forget California, Manhattan Here We Come.

2007-12-29T00:26:00.000Z

Ever since I was able to stand on my own two feet and many years after, I have dreamed of living in New York City. I cannot tell you why, cause the reasons are endless, and yet, I know not one of why I should go there. I visited the City in August 07. And needless to say, it was amazing, all that I expected and more. And visiting it has compelled my desire to live there even more.

Yet, I am still young and have many years still to come before I can ever consider applying for a visa application to become an American Citizen, now that will be amazing. So for the meantime, I've been trying to make New York come to Belfast. And that is no easy job.

After watching Sex and the City late one Friday evening, I felt compelled even more to try to bring the lifestyle that I want to my life at the current moment. My girlfriends and I have talked many a time about dressing up and going to a cocktail bar. And that was my inspiration for research.

Maybe if we even just threw on a nice sexy glittery dress and went to a cocktail bar in Belfast, and had just one Cosmopolitan, we'd somehow take a step towards Manhattan [maybe, we'll have one of those too ;P].

And although Manhattan is my dream, perhaps a few cocktails and a new adventure will convince my girlfriends too.

Opportunities can change your life.

2007-12-02T22:16:00.000Z

I am a member of a local Youth Forum and I know, that sounds like the nerdiest thing in the entire world, but it is one of the best things in my life right now.

Last year, I had the opportunity to take part in a one week long Trainee Leadership course. From this course, I gained a qualification, more confidence and new friends. It has since, been one of the many things that I am thankful to have in my life.

I also had the opportunity to go to Berlin for 4 days, in November, to take part in some workshops there in co-operation with a German youth group. We had such an amazing time there and ever since have vowed to go back. And even moreso, we have remained part of our youth forum.

In may this year, we also had the opportunity to organize and run a Formal for the youth of the east of our city. It was an amazing experience, and although stressful, we pulled it off and everyone managed to have a fantastic time, including us.

We had planned to do Halloween and Christmas events, although we did not have enough time to organise the Halloween one and Christmas is fast approaching so we are not sure how this is going to pan out.

However, just this past weekend, the Berlin Youth Group came to my city and we toured them around, took them to museums, shopping, ice skating and basically gave them the good time that they gave us. I had such a good time with them and I actually felt, part of something wonderful. I felt like I had achieved something.

And you are probably wondering what this has all got to do with opportunities and how they can change your life. Well, to be honest, I know most of you in this city, would turn your noses up at the smallest opportunity to become part of a youth group because you'd rather wander the cold cold streets and throw bricks at people, that's fine, that's your choice. But if there is any doubt, whatsoever, in your mind and you, even just for a second, contemplate joining the group when you are offered to. Then you should.

If you never take the opportunities that are thrown at you, then you may never know what you could have been, could have done, what could have become of you and you become of what. You could have met some amazing people, gone to some amazing places, done some amazing things, achieved new and more qualifications that will help you in the future, but if you don't take the opportunity, then you will never know. I'll be honest, when I was offered the opportunity to join this youth forum, I did have my doubts, but now, I wouldn't change anything for the world.

And to any of you, the German group, the youth forum, if you ever happen, to just stumble across this page and realize that I am talking about you, then take heed, because I want to thank you, for making the youth forum what it is and for making a difference, even if it was just small, in my life. You have made me part of who I am today and for that, I appreciate everything that happens.

So next time, any of you are thrown an opportunity like mine, just say yes, what harm can it do.

Opportunities really can change your life.

People and The Truth.

2007-12-02T22:01:00.000Z

Do you ever forget that people are actually people? I know that sounds ridiculously silly, I mean, how could you forget that you are a person. But, do you ever realize, that the people around you, who influence your daily lives, for example, a teacher, actually is a person? An actual human being, who has feelings.

I was walking from class to lunch when I saw my English teacher, buy some fruice. And as stupid as this sounds, it took something as simple as that to make me realize how human he actually is. It humanized him. And it got me thinking, do you ever forget that people are people? It was earlier in the day also, when my media studies teacher had a rant at us about how students forget that teachers are humans too. They think that they just sit and do all the marking and work at the weekends and that they don't actually have lives and/or feelings.

And it's so true! It got me thinking, I don't want to end up like that. I don't want people to see me as this robotic person who doesn't have feelings, or a life. And I almost wanted to go and confess everything I felt to my closest friends. Who, although they know lots, don't know everything. But, admittedly, I stopped myself from confessing because I'm afraid of the consequences, almost, afraid of the truth.

If you speak it, then you are acknowledging that you feel it, and you are accepting it as a truth. And sometimes, the truth really does hurt. And I've probably got you all wanting to know what it is that I feel deep down inside and what it is I wanted to come and confess, but unfortunately, until I am ready to confess this truth to you guys, then you will not know and you may never know.

I know, often enough, it's the not knowing that is the hardest. But sometimes, not knowing is for yours, or my, protection. And like they say, what you don't know, doesn't hurt you. And I think, that's best for all of us.

[P.S. Check out my blogroll, my friend Sarah has a blog similar to this and I'm sure she'd appreciate it, if you even had a look!].

Complexities Of The Mind

2007-11-12T19:45:00.000Z

As an A level student, I am up early, I work for 6/7 hours straight, come home, rest for a bit, then get started on homework. My mind is in a consistent cycle, always thinking, right until I go to sleep. I probably even think in my sleep [if that's possible]. Dreams could just be our thoughts only more fantasized.

Anyway, my point is, my mind is in constant motion and as an a level student, my thoughts are always being challenged. I am developing a more extensive knowledge and understanding of the subjects I am studying and the world itself. I have come to terms with this and I find it interesting, yet I am somewhat comforted by the fact that at least I am learning something and developing my intelligence.

Yet, my mind never rests and it tires my entire self out. My mind is a detailed and complex thing that I will never understand. But now, my thoughts are complex too. And sometimes, it is hard-going, trying to make sense of what I'm thinking, this article, is a perfect example. I don't know if writing about the complexities of the mind, my mind, will help me any, but maybe, one of you will understand, if not, well I guess I can deal with it.

As a writer, I try to make sense of my thoughts by writing them, in a poem, in a story, or just in a blog entry, a diary entry, a script, some kind of something to do with writing I suppose. Although, at the best of times, this proves difficult. Each of the aforementioned documents contain structure and trying to structure thoughts as well as trying to make sense of them, ends up leaving me more confused than what I already was [although, that is not hard to do these days!].

I mean, I doubt that many of you, have even thought about how complex the mind is and/or can be. And I doubt that many of you have had very detailed and complex thoughts like mine, though I dont mean that in an arrogant, or I'm better than you, kind of way. It is not a hardship, but nor is it easy. It is, as mentioned, a complex thing.

I cannot seem to find a definition to describe, what these thoughts are like, or what they compare to, or find a simple definition just to try to make you understand. And I doubt this entry, will have any significance to any of you, but I just wanted to share this, to let you know, that it is not easy trying to write and nor is it easy having a complex mind.

I mean, all I have to do, is to listen to a song, or read a book, or a quote and the complexities are set in motion and as the cycle of thinking goes ever on, so does the cycle of life.

The Fine Fine Line Between What Is & What Isn't.

2007-11-08T22:24:00.001Z

As a so-called writer, it is part of my job to decieve my audience. To tell a story that will intrigue them and evoke some kind of emotion in themselves. Or even, just to get them to think.

I myself, as a writer, aim to inspire people, although many a time, I don't go about this the right way. Although, who's to say what is the right way? I often decieve my audience in my stories, making them think something, and then it turns out to be something else, well, that is a twist in the plot, and it engages the audience with the text.

I have these 6 friends. 3 I spend a lot of time with. 3 I've barely met. Yet I feel it easier to talk to and spill my heart out to the 3 I've barely met. I feel like I am constantly decieving those whom I spend a lot of time with. I don't tell them everything, and we have this way of acting when around each other. And sometimes, it bugs me. Yet I dont say anything. I call it the "Reality" side of my life. The other side, well I call it "Virtuality".

Now, we all know that Virtuality and Reality are two different things. But are they really? I mean, the people in this virtual world [i.e. the internet] actually are real, I am as real as these words I am writing in this article. Yet, we seem to mistake this all for being virtual and maybe thats where our problems lie.

We find it easier to tell people online our problems because we dont actually fully determine them as "real" in our minds, yet they are almost as real as the sun does shine. I use the word almost, because on the internet, deceit is one of the most common techniques, we all know and hear about the stories of how a 75 year old paedo disguised himself as a 17 year old boy to get his way with girls [objectification of women much? haha].

So, if we use the term "virtuality" is that actually what it is? Because in this "virtuality" there are things that are real. So wouldn't it just become "reality" ? How do we actually determine, what is, and what isn't reality? And how and when do we decide to stop using deceit as a form of hiding what we really feel?

Objectifying Sexes.

2007-10-28T21:24:00.000Z

[WARNING: I am not intending for any offence to be caused by this article, and I sincerely apologise if I do happen to offend you with what I wrote. But I have to admit, got to stand by my beliefs, just like you would yourself.]

Something happened recently, that involved a man objectifying a woman and for once, my feministic side came out and I got annoyed and somewhat angry about it.

When did it become okay for men to treat women as objects, tools or as 'can openers'? Haven't feminists been fighting all this time so that we weren't treated like this? And if so, well then why is nobody listening? Women are humans just as much as men are, the only difference is, they have a dick and we don't, big woop dee doo! Get over it already.

When did it become okay for men to hit on women and try to have their way with them? When did we start accepting this as an a-okay thing to do? It is NOT OKAY. Sure, you can hit on us, we won't care, but to try and tease us into bed within 2 seconds of meeting us, that is just degrading. We are not objects. We are not whores. We are women and it's time we, as well as men, started seeing that.

I bet at least 5 women go home with a man they've just met every night and no, I don't think that's alright. Sure some women do it for the money, that's if their prostitutes and some women do it because they're lonely, but we wouldn't be lonely if men wised up and saw us as women rather than objects. And some women, like me, have standards and morals. And I might seem like a prude in saying all of this, but I simply don't care anymore. This time it's gone too far.

Did you know? That in some third world countries, women who are in the sex slave industry get punished if they get pregnant. Do you know what that punishment is? We get stuck in a box, with one small whole in the top and get left in the desert and fry to death. I mean, what the absolute hell? When did that suddenly become okay? And actually, it isn't, but where are the police? Where are the people who are fighting for human rights? And where the hell, are the fucking feminists!

And if we women are seen as the mothers and child-bearers of the earth, why the fuck do we get punished for getting pregnant? Tell me, where the sense in that is will you please! Why are we stereotyped so god damn much? And then punished for fulfilling the stereotype that has been given to us? And why do we just accept it? Why aren't we doing something about it? Why are we judged by our sex? What difference does it make, if I am a woman and my friend is a man? One has boobs, the other has a dick, so bloody what?

So after calming down for a bit and thinking a bit more clearly on the subject, I felt that no better conclusion than this would do for this article:

I am a feminist but I am not a lesbian. I am intelligent but I am not a geek. I am sexual but I am not a whore. I am a woman, but I am certainly not an object.

Factual Secrets

2007-10-23T17:16:00.001+01:00

In light of a somewhat revelation, about a certain something to do with a certain someone [not to be revealed for privacy purposes] I got to thinking; Do the facts altar our perceptions of people?

For instance, if you, my audience, were to find out that I was some kind of freak with psychopathic tendancies, no doubt, you would stop reading this blog, for fear that I might come and beat you. Of course, I am not a psychopath, yet, haha.

Some new facts about someone, whom you might say, was a good friend to me made me think about them and what I knew about them. The new facts did not seem to conicide with what my perception of this person was, in fact it was an unlikely opposite to what I thought they were. And although, these new facts, are some which I myself might not agree with, I will continue to be friends with this person, because that's what I am, a friend and just because they told me something I wasn't aware of about themselves, doesn't mean I'm going to go running off to someone else or running off spreading the facts about. That's not who I am and that is certainly not what friends are for.

I guess, at the end of the day, we all have secrets and it is up to us whether to reveal them to people whom we think we can trust, or to keep them to ourselves for whatever the reason may be. And, we may feel deceitful for doing this, but there are some things that you just don't want to, or can't reveal because you are afraid, or it is nothing that serious that is worth talking about. However, are we afraid that the facts, will altar the people we love's perception of us?

I'll admit, there are many things that many of my friends don't know about me. And many things I wish I could tell them. I just haven't found the courage within myself to do so, and if and when the time comes that I feel it is necessary for me to tell them, then no doubt, that I will. But for now, my secrets remain secret. And I, remain a mystery.

Two To Tango.

2007-10-16T20:47:00.000+01:00

I pose, one simple question, What happened to Romance?

In a world full of men, you expect to find, at least one, who would be willing to take you for a nice candle-lit dinner in a fancy restaurant or on a nice beach somewhere far far away from the real world [hey, a girl can dream] and not expect sex afterwards. Well, mister, if you're reading this, give me a buzz because I really would like to meet you.

For instance, this guy who found my 'bebo' and then started talking to me on msn, simply tried to turn the conversation into cybersex, although due to my high morales and values I was able to say no and turn the conversation around, though I don't think he was too pleased. However, the conversation, I have to admit, did horrify me somewhat slightly and sentences [which i will not disclose just because they are too crude] that should not even exist were said, which got me thinking.

Have we as women, fought for feminism for so many years, so that we could be called lesbians? No, we have not. And have we fought for feminism so that romance could go out the window? No, we have not. Men and even some women, just don't seem to understand, that women, like me, do still appreciate some good old romance.

It is due to the new technologies that exist in the world, like phones and the internet that we as women accept nothing more than cybersex and phone sex when really all we want is a nice sensual evening where we can relax and be bought by charm and romance and not be horrified or somewhat disgusted by the crudeness of what is now known as 'dirty talk'.

At the same time, and just to contradict myself, I wouldn't mind a bit of roughness every now and then. It's about finding the balance between romance and being naughty. Romance, is good but don't flatter me too much, I might just feel trapped by it, so throw me against a wall or something every once in a while, trust me, it'll keep me coming back for more!

So guys, time to get the brains [not the balls] in gear, take me out for a romantic meal and then throw me down and make me want you! And I'm sure, I'll give you something in return. Afterall, it takes two to tango.

A City Full Of Danger.

2007-10-15T16:38:00.000+01:00

Why are we so afraid all of the time? Is the world really all that scary? Well obviously, it is with bombs and guns and whatnot. But why we do let fear take us over? Shouldn't we really find the strength inside of us to overcome it and at least attempt whatever it is we happen to be afraid of?

I believe that it is more so to do with a sense of danger. We are afraid of danger. Yet its not so dangerous just to take a walk by yourself, is it? Sure enough, why do we fear danger the most when we are on our own? We have a heightened sense of things.

Paranoia? Is that what it is? Are we so paranoid that we think that there is danger on every street corner and therefore, fear? Are we just too used to being safe that when we do end up in a risky situation we feel we're about to die? True enough, death is ultimately the worst thing that can happen but if we meet a stranger in the street is s/he really going to kidnap, rape or kill us?

Chances are, he's an old man trying to find his way home, or an old lady walking her dog [sorry for the cliche] and yes, on occasion, there will be danger, a large group of teenagers with fireworks, for example.

But why do we just accept it though? Shouldn't those of us who spend our lives hiding in the shadows of fear join together? If we did that, wouldn't we feel safer? And we wouldn't be so alone either! So why don't we? Are we too afraid of human interaction?

In a city full of danger how can we ever feel safe when we are too paranoid and afraid to go out by ourselves?