This Is What I Know Now.

Well, this entry is going to be my last for a while. It's a goodbye to you, my readers, and to a few others who will read between the lines and hopefully understand.

I'm stopping writing here for a while because my entries seem to have become more about my personal life than I had hoped. That's not what I started this blog for. So, I'm going to take some time out, get to know myself and write things my way. I'll probably move sites or re-do this one and start again, but don't worry I'll keep you updated when progress is made.

So, I titled this entry 'This is What I know Now' because over the past few months, I have learnt a hell of a lot and well, in this goodbye, there are things that I know now, things that I will take with me wherever I go. I guess, in some ways, I expected the things I know now, and in some I didn't. But that's one of the things I know now, that you should expect the unexpected, things will happen regardless of whether you want them to or not and although you should try and find the best in people, to have a little faith in humanity, people will let you down and hurt you and that's just something none of us can escape.

Another thing about people is that they come and they go. It's kind of something that happens in life. You made friends in primary school and secondary and with every moment within your life, and then you say Goodbye to those people and meet new ones. That is what has happened, or well, is happening in my life at the moment. It's not that we want to stop being friends, it's just that we've changed. I took a big leap out of people's lives and other people stepped in to fill my place and people have filled theirs. That's just how it goes. So, we get up and we move on because that's the only thing we can do. And sure, I might not have as much fun as I used to, or I might not do the things I used to do, but I do different things and I have different fun. It's kind of what growing up is.

Other people in your life might not understand what you're doing or saying, or even understand you at all, no one said you had to make sense, but one day in the future they might experience something similar and then they'll understand that you did what you had to do. Yes, I am sorry that things have to happen this way, but they just do because I can't be who I was and I can't pretend, so I'm getting up, walking away and moving on and you will do it too and maybe we'll stop and chat when we see each other in the street and we will still have that connection, or that coffee, for old times sake but that's all it will ever be. And yes, I'm aware that these new people are going to hurt and upset me, hell they already have, but like I said, that's what happens.

So this is what I know now. I know that we're all changing and we have to let each other go in order to move forward. I know that we will all look back with fondness and cherish each memory and the time that we have shared. I also know that we will look forward with a smile, that we will move on and learn that this is how life goes. I also know, that we wish each other well. So, react to this if you want, but this is how I feel and I won't apologise for that. I don't know what else to say about this situation, I wish you all well my friends.

The final thing I know now is, this is goodbye and I will return when I've made progress and fixed some things that need to be fixed. So, take care and enjoy!

Sami & The City.

Yes, It's Sad But...

There isn't much you can do about it. When friends make decisions to go away for University, or to take a gap year and travel the world, of course you're going to be sad. Yes, you are allowed to cry and mourn their departure, but eventually, you have to get over it.

I was at a leaving party for a girl who's moving away to Australia last night and all her girly friends and her were crying their hearts out, singing cheesy karaoke songs at each other and hugging each other for dear life. It was heartwarming and heart-wrenching because you know that this girl is leaving behind an entire life that she's spent years building.

It kind of made me sad though. No-one ever threw me a leaving party. I know that I come back every weekend, but it doesn't mean it that it's any less or more difficult for me. I live away from home for most of my week now, I'm actually at home about two days (one entire full one and two halves). It hurts me too, to know that I can't fully participate in my friends lives anymore, I'm barely aware of what goes on during the week even if its nothing exciting.

I'm not going to put down my Uni experience though, because it has been fun as well as dramatic. I figured though, that maybe it's too hard to have a leaving party. It breaks your heart watching the final goodbyes. Maybe my friends and I aren't good at dealing with goodbyes, not that it was a goodbye as I do come back. I guess it's easier for us to pretend that it's all okay because we see each other every weekend and I guess it is. There is a big difference between Coleraine and Australia.

I don't know. I guess my leaving party will be when I decide to move 5000 miles across the world and it'll be a day when we all have to accept that I'm not coming back. I guess we all have different ways of dealing with what our friends choose to do with our lives. It's not all bad either, my friends are coming to join me at University next year. It's not like we can all decide to up and move to Australia together.

Anyway, I'm going to stop myself from feeling sad and wish you all the best wherever in the world you choose to be.

Time To Up The Ante

Today, someone left my life. They hadn't really been in it much and I thought that they had stopped caring. I found out I was wrong, they still cared. It's just I had pushed them away and so I told them to go. To ride off into the sunset and live life the way it should be lived. I know that person will most likely read this blog. As I said, I wish you well and I will never say goodbye, just Good Luck :).

As upsetting as this has been to me, it seems to be the way life works. People come and people go. Eventually, saying Goodbye, or Good Luck becomes a natural process. At Primary school, you say goodbye to your friends and move to secondary school. Then at the end of Secondary school, you say goodbye for University and at the end of University, undoubtedly you will have to say Goodbye. It's not that you want all these people to leave your life, it's just that they do because we all go our separate ways. Life goes on no matter how many people we lose or how many more we meet.

To be perfectly honest though, I am sick of saying Goodbye. I just wish someone would come into my life and stay there for a while. Someone who will lie beside me at night and hug me tight and let me know it's all going to be Okay in the morning. But I'm 19 and finding someone who is likely to do that is about as possible as it is for McCain to win the presidential election. So I guess, it's time I upped the Ante. Time I stopped saying Goodbye and pushing people away, time I held onto the people who I cherish and stopped being a bisnatch and possibly stop being a whore.

I don't know how I'm going to do it, all I know is that I want to and sure as hell, I'm going to try. So if you're my friend and I've been neglecting you, I apologise profusely and I'll make it up to you in the following weeks, I promise. For now though, I hope you are well and I'll speak to you soon.