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Tuesday 2 June 2009
Monday 23 March 2009
This Is What I Know Now.
Well, this entry is going to be my last for a while. It's a goodbye to you, my readers, and to a few others who will read between the lines and hopefully understand.
I'm stopping writing here for a while because my entries seem to have become more about my personal life than I had hoped. That's not what I started this blog for. So, I'm going to take some time out, get to know myself and write things my way. I'll probably move sites or re-do this one and start again, but don't worry I'll keep you updated when progress is made.
So, I titled this entry 'This is What I know Now' because over the past few months, I have learnt a hell of a lot and well, in this goodbye, there are things that I know now, things that I will take with me wherever I go. I guess, in some ways, I expected the things I know now, and in some I didn't. But that's one of the things I know now, that you should expect the unexpected, things will happen regardless of whether you want them to or not and although you should try and find the best in people, to have a little faith in humanity, people will let you down and hurt you and that's just something none of us can escape.
Another thing about people is that they come and they go. It's kind of something that happens in life. You made friends in primary school and secondary and with every moment within your life, and then you say Goodbye to those people and meet new ones. That is what has happened, or well, is happening in my life at the moment. It's not that we want to stop being friends, it's just that we've changed. I took a big leap out of people's lives and other people stepped in to fill my place and people have filled theirs. That's just how it goes. So, we get up and we move on because that's the only thing we can do. And sure, I might not have as much fun as I used to, or I might not do the things I used to do, but I do different things and I have different fun. It's kind of what growing up is.
Other people in your life might not understand what you're doing or saying, or even understand you at all, no one said you had to make sense, but one day in the future they might experience something similar and then they'll understand that you did what you had to do. Yes, I am sorry that things have to happen this way, but they just do because I can't be who I was and I can't pretend, so I'm getting up, walking away and moving on and you will do it too and maybe we'll stop and chat when we see each other in the street and we will still have that connection, or that coffee, for old times sake but that's all it will ever be. And yes, I'm aware that these new people are going to hurt and upset me, hell they already have, but like I said, that's what happens.
So this is what I know now. I know that we're all changing and we have to let each other go in order to move forward. I know that we will all look back with fondness and cherish each memory and the time that we have shared. I also know that we will look forward with a smile, that we will move on and learn that this is how life goes. I also know, that we wish each other well. So, react to this if you want, but this is how I feel and I won't apologise for that. I don't know what else to say about this situation, I wish you all well my friends.
The final thing I know now is, this is goodbye and I will return when I've made progress and fixed some things that need to be fixed. So, take care and enjoy!
Sami & The City.
I'm stopping writing here for a while because my entries seem to have become more about my personal life than I had hoped. That's not what I started this blog for. So, I'm going to take some time out, get to know myself and write things my way. I'll probably move sites or re-do this one and start again, but don't worry I'll keep you updated when progress is made.
So, I titled this entry 'This is What I know Now' because over the past few months, I have learnt a hell of a lot and well, in this goodbye, there are things that I know now, things that I will take with me wherever I go. I guess, in some ways, I expected the things I know now, and in some I didn't. But that's one of the things I know now, that you should expect the unexpected, things will happen regardless of whether you want them to or not and although you should try and find the best in people, to have a little faith in humanity, people will let you down and hurt you and that's just something none of us can escape.
Another thing about people is that they come and they go. It's kind of something that happens in life. You made friends in primary school and secondary and with every moment within your life, and then you say Goodbye to those people and meet new ones. That is what has happened, or well, is happening in my life at the moment. It's not that we want to stop being friends, it's just that we've changed. I took a big leap out of people's lives and other people stepped in to fill my place and people have filled theirs. That's just how it goes. So, we get up and we move on because that's the only thing we can do. And sure, I might not have as much fun as I used to, or I might not do the things I used to do, but I do different things and I have different fun. It's kind of what growing up is.
Other people in your life might not understand what you're doing or saying, or even understand you at all, no one said you had to make sense, but one day in the future they might experience something similar and then they'll understand that you did what you had to do. Yes, I am sorry that things have to happen this way, but they just do because I can't be who I was and I can't pretend, so I'm getting up, walking away and moving on and you will do it too and maybe we'll stop and chat when we see each other in the street and we will still have that connection, or that coffee, for old times sake but that's all it will ever be. And yes, I'm aware that these new people are going to hurt and upset me, hell they already have, but like I said, that's what happens.
So this is what I know now. I know that we're all changing and we have to let each other go in order to move forward. I know that we will all look back with fondness and cherish each memory and the time that we have shared. I also know that we will look forward with a smile, that we will move on and learn that this is how life goes. I also know, that we wish each other well. So, react to this if you want, but this is how I feel and I won't apologise for that. I don't know what else to say about this situation, I wish you all well my friends.
The final thing I know now is, this is goodbye and I will return when I've made progress and fixed some things that need to be fixed. So, take care and enjoy!
Sami & The City.
Tuesday 10 March 2009
Mistakes & Rewriting.
As I write this, it has just turned 2am, I am in the University Library and I'm supposed to be doing work on Feminist Media Theory. I've given up for the night and I'm simply waiting on my housemate to finish her work so we can walk back together, in the pouring rain nonetheless.
It is not often I contemplate how my life is, I tend to just go with whatevers flowing, for I know that when I take the two steps back and look at it, I get one of those, wtf feelings, how did I end up here and now and what the hell did I do that for, you know?
But some recent events have lead me along this path, after highly considering leaving Uni I had to contemplate what else to do with my life and really, I don't know what my options are. There are times in life when I would love to jump on a plane, move forward and never look back. Although I say it, I know I will never do it, although the goodbyes will be hard, I'd prefer to stay on the good side of my family and friends so we can keep in touch wherever in the world I chose to be. Anyway, that's not really what my point is.
A few weeks back, I was told twice in one week that I was a mistake. Now, I didn't like being thought of as a mistake and it was quite a hurtful comment but hey, that's how those people view me. I was simply a mistake, a thing that happened that shouldn't have and now they are moving on to so-called "bigger and better things". Well, their loss really isn't it? If you're going to view me as a piece of vermon on your mistakes list, then clearly you aren't worth my time in the first place. Although, I hate to admit it, I do take great pleasure in knowing that I had them first and everyone else is my sloppy seconds. Hate to break it to you, darling, but it's the truth, so go ahead and hate me and make me a mistake. Better to be a mistake than to be a fool.
As well as considering how I'm a mistake, I've considered how and if I could maybe correct this view of myself in that person's eyes. This caused me to think about who I am to different people and how I acted toward them. With an old friend popping back into my life, the timing could not have been better to conisder this. Every week in our lives can be seen as another chapter in the book that is being written that documents who and what we are and how we chose to live. Sometimes the chapter lasts more than one week and somtimes the chapter closes and we store it away, with our feelings amongst it.
Sometimes we decide to trash that chapter and never think about it again, put it in the garbage can so to speak. However, every once in a while through some magical, divine, or supernatual power, a chapter can re-open or be re-written. We can re-write our story, right the wrongs, correct the fine print and spelling mistakes and make that chapter one that helps make the book onto the best-seller list. So at the end of the day, I might be a mistake in one chapter of your life, but maybe one day, I'll right that wrong, I'll be somebody who made a difference, who made you see something differently and if not, then well, at least I'm god damn something, eh?
It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, or so they say :P.
Tuesday 24 February 2009
Define Yourself.
Recently, I've been thinking about who I am, about all the things that define me. For example, I'm a girl, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a lover, a writer, a student, a blogger and many other things. I've been going through each of these things then in turn and seeing how well I fit into that category. Some of them are obvious, the girl for example. Others are a little more complicated, like calling myself a writer.
Sure, I write things, but most of the time they sit there and stare back at me and no one else ever gets to see them. So my plan for improvement is to write more and be a better writer and share my work with those around me and eventually, with the world in general. That way when someone asks me how to define myself and I say 'I'm a writer' I will have some proof of that to show to that person.
The real thing that's been bothering me about who I am as a person is the fact that people seem to throw fits because I'm being myself. Take a recent example, I got a little annoyed about something and now the whole dynamic of the group has changed and how people see me has changed. I'm still me, I always was me, I just happened to show the side of me where I got annoyed at something. You can't deny that people get annoyed, it's a course of nature, If I do something that pisses you off, obviously you're going to get pissed off, you know what I'm saying?
I took the better approach to the situation and I apologised for being a dickhead about it, in hope that some sort of rectification of the situation would improve the mood all-round, but after that things got worse. If we go with the old saying, things get worse before they get better, that's how I feel right now. There's still something in the pit of my stomach that tells me that things aren't right, that the way we function is now dysfunctional. You know when things change and how you know it can't ever be the same again? That's how this situation seems to be and I guess I'm a little a sad, or nostalgic or something, but it just doesn't feel right. I feel like I'm the one who's gone and screwed us all over because it was me who got annoyed, maybe I'm paranoid because everyone else is just getting on with it and I'm trying to do the same, but it's still eating away at me.
Maybe It's just because I care too much, or I'm simply a "headcase" as some would describe it, regardless, I'm trying my hardest to get on with it, but it bothers me to no end and I've been close to getting up and walking away from everything I've built, but my sensibility stops me (thank god for that!). So, I guess I just needed to get this off my chest, to say, Here I am, this is me and I won't apologise for that and so rather appropriately, I'm going to leave you with this;
Sure, I write things, but most of the time they sit there and stare back at me and no one else ever gets to see them. So my plan for improvement is to write more and be a better writer and share my work with those around me and eventually, with the world in general. That way when someone asks me how to define myself and I say 'I'm a writer' I will have some proof of that to show to that person.
The real thing that's been bothering me about who I am as a person is the fact that people seem to throw fits because I'm being myself. Take a recent example, I got a little annoyed about something and now the whole dynamic of the group has changed and how people see me has changed. I'm still me, I always was me, I just happened to show the side of me where I got annoyed at something. You can't deny that people get annoyed, it's a course of nature, If I do something that pisses you off, obviously you're going to get pissed off, you know what I'm saying?
I took the better approach to the situation and I apologised for being a dickhead about it, in hope that some sort of rectification of the situation would improve the mood all-round, but after that things got worse. If we go with the old saying, things get worse before they get better, that's how I feel right now. There's still something in the pit of my stomach that tells me that things aren't right, that the way we function is now dysfunctional. You know when things change and how you know it can't ever be the same again? That's how this situation seems to be and I guess I'm a little a sad, or nostalgic or something, but it just doesn't feel right. I feel like I'm the one who's gone and screwed us all over because it was me who got annoyed, maybe I'm paranoid because everyone else is just getting on with it and I'm trying to do the same, but it's still eating away at me.
Maybe It's just because I care too much, or I'm simply a "headcase" as some would describe it, regardless, I'm trying my hardest to get on with it, but it bothers me to no end and I've been close to getting up and walking away from everything I've built, but my sensibility stops me (thank god for that!). So, I guess I just needed to get this off my chest, to say, Here I am, this is me and I won't apologise for that and so rather appropriately, I'm going to leave you with this;
"Never apologise for showing feeling, for when you do, you apologise for the truth"
Thursday 19 February 2009
Growing Up
I know I am bad at keeping this place up to date. I also know I'm not the best blogger in the world or at all. I don't remember the reason why I started this at all, but I guess I feel like I should keep it going because it's the one place where I can be honest. It's the one place where I can reach out to people in a way that doesn't involve confrontation or screaming or anything ridiculous. I have considered shutting this place down though, my feelings on that are not yet decided.
There has been a lot of drama going on in my life lately, a week's worth to be exact and I'm exhausted in all forms. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I took the constructive course of action though, I made the decision to be the better person, to rectify the situations and take responsibility for my own actions. I guess there's honesty in that. I'm just fed up with being angry, fed up and pissed off. I'm so over it. We hurt people and we get hurt, it's what happens and we just have to learn to deal with that whichever way we can.
So that's what I'm doing. Dealing with it in my way. I might be hurt or upset, but I'm taking the course of action that helps me. I'm enjoying myself with my friends and just trying to live. I want to be happy. I want to be a better, happy, stronger person and that takes courage. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm growing up now. I'm 19 years old and I would have said I was pretty grown up beyond my years, but in all honesty, I'm not.
This time last year, I was a lost little girl. People have since came into my life and taught me valuable life lessons, ones that come to play in everyday situations. Things have happened in my life, maybe not the way I would have hoped it to go, but it happened and I'm here and I'm dealing with it, in a mature grown up kind of way. Sometimes, I'll get mad and angry and upset, but that's human nature and for that, I hope I can be forgiven.
I don't really have a point with this entry, I just wanted to make a post, to let you know I'm changing, I'm not the person I once was, I'm growing up, becoming who I'm supposed to be and I hope that you can still accept me for who I am, regardless of whatever changes within me or whatnot. I once read that the key to happiness is to accept yourself before others can accept you, love yourself before others can love you and you will become the most desired and desirable person you can be.
So here I go and try to accept myself, love myself for who I am, flaws included, in hope, that happiness will follow, and if it doesn't? I'm sure there'll be a valuable life lesson in the journey somewhere. So wherever you are, whoever you are, I hope that you are happy today and everyday for the rest of your life for that, is the most desirable feeling of all.
There has been a lot of drama going on in my life lately, a week's worth to be exact and I'm exhausted in all forms. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I took the constructive course of action though, I made the decision to be the better person, to rectify the situations and take responsibility for my own actions. I guess there's honesty in that. I'm just fed up with being angry, fed up and pissed off. I'm so over it. We hurt people and we get hurt, it's what happens and we just have to learn to deal with that whichever way we can.
So that's what I'm doing. Dealing with it in my way. I might be hurt or upset, but I'm taking the course of action that helps me. I'm enjoying myself with my friends and just trying to live. I want to be happy. I want to be a better, happy, stronger person and that takes courage. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm growing up now. I'm 19 years old and I would have said I was pretty grown up beyond my years, but in all honesty, I'm not.
This time last year, I was a lost little girl. People have since came into my life and taught me valuable life lessons, ones that come to play in everyday situations. Things have happened in my life, maybe not the way I would have hoped it to go, but it happened and I'm here and I'm dealing with it, in a mature grown up kind of way. Sometimes, I'll get mad and angry and upset, but that's human nature and for that, I hope I can be forgiven.
I don't really have a point with this entry, I just wanted to make a post, to let you know I'm changing, I'm not the person I once was, I'm growing up, becoming who I'm supposed to be and I hope that you can still accept me for who I am, regardless of whatever changes within me or whatnot. I once read that the key to happiness is to accept yourself before others can accept you, love yourself before others can love you and you will become the most desired and desirable person you can be.
So here I go and try to accept myself, love myself for who I am, flaws included, in hope, that happiness will follow, and if it doesn't? I'm sure there'll be a valuable life lesson in the journey somewhere. So wherever you are, whoever you are, I hope that you are happy today and everyday for the rest of your life for that, is the most desirable feeling of all.
Wednesday 11 February 2009
"So, This is My Life..."
"I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be".
This describes how I feel right now :).
I promise a better update when I can be bothered/have time/am not drunk.
This describes how I feel right now :).
I promise a better update when I can be bothered/have time/am not drunk.
Wednesday 28 January 2009
Life's Journey.
These past few days have been stressful and exhausting and my plan of going back to Uni and not worrying about anything epic failed in a most spectacular fashion.
I *almost* got kicked out of my house for something I didn't do, but somehow managed to get out of it which I am 100% thankful and appreciative of. Now, all I have to do is worry about my housemate who is in a very similar situation.
Suprisingly, I've been back at Uni for three days and have not yet attended class, I had friends find out the info I needed though so I know whats going on - friends are win ;P.
I am feeling rather pensive right now, due to the fact that it's Sunny out, there is a nice breeze blowing and birds chirping too. It feels like a nice summer afternoon, all we need is a barbecue followed by some ice cream and a trip to the beach - all which are probably possible.
I'm trying my damnedest not to think about all the men involved in my life at the moment - those who have come and gone, those who are still lingering around, those of recent days and those who I actually feel for. It's damn hard though when you have time on your hands and nothing to fill it with.
Maybe I should allow myself time to think about it, sort it all out in my head, or maybe I should just get some rest, then have some fun and chillax with some friends. I just don't know how I should feel, and I wish someone else would tell me how they feel too, so maybe I could find a reaction that lets me know what to feel.
I guess I should just go with the flow and let whatever happens, happen. After all, it's not about the destination, it's about the journey.
I *almost* got kicked out of my house for something I didn't do, but somehow managed to get out of it which I am 100% thankful and appreciative of. Now, all I have to do is worry about my housemate who is in a very similar situation.
Suprisingly, I've been back at Uni for three days and have not yet attended class, I had friends find out the info I needed though so I know whats going on - friends are win ;P.
I am feeling rather pensive right now, due to the fact that it's Sunny out, there is a nice breeze blowing and birds chirping too. It feels like a nice summer afternoon, all we need is a barbecue followed by some ice cream and a trip to the beach - all which are probably possible.
I'm trying my damnedest not to think about all the men involved in my life at the moment - those who have come and gone, those who are still lingering around, those of recent days and those who I actually feel for. It's damn hard though when you have time on your hands and nothing to fill it with.
Maybe I should allow myself time to think about it, sort it all out in my head, or maybe I should just get some rest, then have some fun and chillax with some friends. I just don't know how I should feel, and I wish someone else would tell me how they feel too, so maybe I could find a reaction that lets me know what to feel.
I guess I should just go with the flow and let whatever happens, happen. After all, it's not about the destination, it's about the journey.
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