Growing Up

I know I am bad at keeping this place up to date. I also know I'm not the best blogger in the world or at all. I don't remember the reason why I started this at all, but I guess I feel like I should keep it going because it's the one place where I can be honest. It's the one place where I can reach out to people in a way that doesn't involve confrontation or screaming or anything ridiculous. I have considered shutting this place down though, my feelings on that are not yet decided.

There has been a lot of drama going on in my life lately, a week's worth to be exact and I'm exhausted in all forms. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I took the constructive course of action though, I made the decision to be the better person, to rectify the situations and take responsibility for my own actions. I guess there's honesty in that. I'm just fed up with being angry, fed up and pissed off. I'm so over it. We hurt people and we get hurt, it's what happens and we just have to learn to deal with that whichever way we can.

So that's what I'm doing. Dealing with it in my way. I might be hurt or upset, but I'm taking the course of action that helps me. I'm enjoying myself with my friends and just trying to live. I want to be happy. I want to be a better, happy, stronger person and that takes courage. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm growing up now. I'm 19 years old and I would have said I was pretty grown up beyond my years, but in all honesty, I'm not.

This time last year, I was a lost little girl. People have since came into my life and taught me valuable life lessons, ones that come to play in everyday situations. Things have happened in my life, maybe not the way I would have hoped it to go, but it happened and I'm here and I'm dealing with it, in a mature grown up kind of way. Sometimes, I'll get mad and angry and upset, but that's human nature and for that, I hope I can be forgiven.

I don't really have a point with this entry, I just wanted to make a post, to let you know I'm changing, I'm not the person I once was, I'm growing up, becoming who I'm supposed to be and I hope that you can still accept me for who I am, regardless of whatever changes within me or whatnot. I once read that the key to happiness is to accept yourself before others can accept you, love yourself before others can love you and you will become the most desired and desirable person you can be.

So here I go and try to accept myself, love myself for who I am, flaws included, in hope, that happiness will follow, and if it doesn't? I'm sure there'll be a valuable life lesson in the journey somewhere. So wherever you are, whoever you are, I hope that you are happy today and everyday for the rest of your life for that, is the most desirable feeling of all.

A Winter Cold

I know I said I'd try to update once a week and I failed that last week, but I took ill and I was in bed for four days basically trying to nurse myself better. Though I am feeling a lot better, my health has not fully restored and so you're lucky to be getting this entry :P.

I really haven't been doing much. I went back to Uni on Tuesday this week as I had work to hand in and I wanted to see everyone before Christmas. It was nice to spend some time there again, I had begun to feel like I had dreamt it's entire existence. It's weird how attached I am now to that life, the one that I built all by myself. No parents there to guide me, just me, the flat, the flatmates, classes and an instinct to make myself a life and I did it.

I 100% did it. I have friends from class, I handed all my work in on time, I get on with my housemates and life is pretty decent. Of course, I'm home now for Christmas break and apart from my two exams, I'm pretty much here until February. So deal with it bitches. Sami has returned to the city. As sad as I am that I've put my handmade life on hold for a month or two, I am grateful to be spending Christmas with friends and family and It gives me time to re kindle my relationship with the city.

Afterall, this blog is based on my adventures there, beneath the big city lights. So here's to a month full of adventure for you to read about - adventures of Sami and the City.

Enjoy!

Pride

It's been two months now since I first upped and left for University and I have to admit, I'm pretty proud of myself.

I've started enjoying University a lot more now and it's been fun regardless of the drama or the formal warnings.

I don't miss home as much, I'm used to it and it isn't that bad because I go home most weekends.

So University is all good and I'm enjoying myself quite a bit. I'm proud of myself, I really am :)

Water Fight

Today, my housemates and I had a water fight. The house is soaking, and the carpet even squelching when we walk on it.

Apart from the general wetness of the house, we were all soaked through. Regardless of that, it was the funnest part of my day and possibly my week. We were using boxes, pots, pans, glasses, biscuit tins etcetc. It was just great.

I have the disciplinary interview tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it, but I'm hoping for the best.

Wrecked.

Last night was eventful, to say the least.

We threw a massive party for my housemates 20th birthday, we had lots of alcohol, including a punch bowl, the house was decorated with balloons and banners etcetc. We had a pre-party at the house, had the party at the Students Union and another post-party at the house. I didn't sleep until 4am.

Needless to say, I was not a happy bunny when I got woken up by Residential Officers this morning who came barging in screaming blue murder. The jist of the story is, we were made to clean our house by 2pm and we've been called to an interview about "Noise Nuisance". The funny part? The music wasn't even coming from our Flat! The Residential Assitant came into our house last night around 1am and kicked everybody out, so the only people left were the housemates and two of our friends who were staying - talking to them was the reason for being awake until 4am.

It's okay though, he dropped us in the shit, well, we're gonna drop him right back in it too and smear it all over his smug little face. Then we'll see how he likes it.

Yes, I am angry.

Change Continued.

Not much can be said about packing up your life and moving elsewhere. It's one of the most horrendous tasks ever. Especially when you've just been in Spain relaxing for a week, the last thing you want to do is unpack to repack and go away again. I suppose in the long run, it might be a good thing.

If you have no clue what I'm talking about, let me fill you in. I passed my A Level exams successfully, however my firm choice wouldn't accept me with a grade lower than what they asked for and so I accepted my insurance offer. However, that means upheaval to another city, as such. It's not really a city, but more of a small town with a University attached. Regardless, new places, new people, new opportunities will mean plenty more adventures to blog about to keep you all reading and entertained, hopefully.

A lot of people are upset about my leaving, most especially my family. I personally feel indifferent about the whole situation, I'm just running around trying to pack up everything and make sure I've forgot nothing. I just want to get there and get started, the waiting around is doing my head in. Oh and I move tomorrow. I really shouldn't be blogging right now, but instead, in the shower, or throwing things into suitcases and boxes and checking things off my 4-page long list.

I never really wanted to move away in the first place, but I believe everything happens for a reason. Perhaps this change and move away, is for me to become more independent and learn how to fend for myself as I will have to do so when I move to New York sometime in the future (yes, that is my plan). Also, many of my friends who have started their 2nd A level year are contemplating highly moving to the same University the next year. Perhaps this too is a reason why I am going. So that I can set up base and then my friends can join me in a year or so. It would be great fun, and pretty mad to say the least.

For whatever reasons I am setting upon this new journey, I am going with hope that I will become a better, stronger person for it and learn more and be offered many new opportunities. Someone once said, that with every closing door, there is an opening window. As one chapter in my life closes, this new one is just being started and although there will be problems and drama and everything that comes with life itself, I have to admit, I'm quite looking forward to it. For once, I embrace change and I do not fear it, for the only fear it is best to have, is that of fear itself.

And to those of you who are also embracing change and off to University or whatnot, I wish you the best on your new adventure.

Tomorrow Is The Future.

Well I know that many of you, like myself, will be recieving AS/A2 results tomorrow and/or GCSE Results next week. I'm also sure many of you, like me, are scared/worried/nervous about them.

I know nothing I say will calm the nerves but what will be will be my friends and there isn't much you can really do about it now. You just have to make that final race to the finish line and hope you get where you're going.

All I really wanted to say was, Good luck to you all and if I'm not around for a few days it's because I'm either celebrating the entire weekend, or have locked myself away in my room to mope. Or I'm hassling universities until they give me a place. Who knows really.

Either way my friends, I wish you the best of luck and I hope you get the grades you want!

Have a good weekend too!
Sami
:)

The Secret Ache.

Have you ever had a desire? A desire so strong for something that was out of your reach, or beyond your control, or had consequences that you would never be able to deal with. This desire, is so secret, that you barely even know it yourself. I know it sounds strange, but we all have secrets, so we must have secret desires.

Then comes the day when that secret something is in your grasp, but it's only there for a moment, not a second too short, or a second too long, it's just there for the time in which it needs to be there. For the time enough to make you enjoy it and loathe it all at the same time and then, before you've even had half a chance to say anything worth saying, it has gone again, out of your reach and beyond your control and you are left to live with the consequences of what happened in that one enjoyable moment.

What follows is an aching deep in your soul, an ache that hurts quite a lot because after having what you wanted, it was gone in the blink of an eye. And the consequences might not be fun and they can cause you all kinds of hassle and stress and yet you don't regret for one single moment, the joy that you felt when your desire was in reach. Yet, your heart aches because what you had was gone and you will never, ever in a lifetime have that back again.

What hurts more is, you have to deal with it all on your own, because it's such a secret desire, that you can't tell anyone. Or maybe you could but it could end up making you feel embarrassed or worried or even more stressed cause of the consequences. They say you don't know what you've got until it's gone, and in affairs of the heart and secret desires, this saying could not be any more true to form.