Cheating.

Did you know that 60% of men and 40% of women are likely to cheat on their partners? No, neither did I. I do believe that sometime in our lives, we are likely to cheat, or be cheated on by our partners, whomever they happen to be.

I believe this because I have once been a cheater myself. It is not a fun activity and living with the guilt afterwards just isn't any fun. There are those of us, who will never know about our partner's affair for the truth only hurts. Yet, there are those of us who choose to be honest, to confess our guilt and try and forgive ourselves for the pain that we have caused. It's not easy, but we can and we do try.

My confession comes many many months after my infidelity when the topic resurfaced. Except this time, I was the other woman. The story goes as follows. I was out celebrating a friend's birthday with many people in a quiet and cosy bar. I was having a good night being a social butterfly and being friendly from person to person. A young guy caught my eye, he was cute, beautiful eyes (I'm such an eye person!), same height as me, dark skin and fairly built. All in all, he was a potential candidate, until he had a girlfriend. But we agreed to be friends nonetheless as we live in similar areas and have similar interests.

So as the night progresses, we continue to drink and celebrate until it's chucking out time and we walk back to a house party that never happens. Meanwhile, his friends are getting on with my friends, and then suddenly we're hugging to keep each other warm. It was genuinely freezing at 2am in Northern Ireland, as it is at basically any time in this country. Eventually, we're all piling into taxis and heading to a different house for a quieter party, but a party nonetheless.

So we arrive, cuddle up on the sofa to have a chat and stay warm. God, I make it sound so romantic, it totally wasn't. He brings my arm across his chest for a hug and moves it down slowly but surely until yes, it lands on his penis. Now I know you might be going "Yeah right, that so didn't happen" and instead have pictures of me jumping him instead. But really, I was so shocked because he had a girlfriend and I wasn't intending on doing anything apart from hug. But you get the picture, my hand, his penis, hand job, done. Not so romantic now, eh?

What confused me most was, he wouldn't even kiss me. His reason? Because he had a girlfriend. I think touching your penis is a bit more intimate that kissing your lips, is it not? I suppose kissing is quite a passionate act, but isn't sharing your anatomy and doing a dirtier deed than kissing more unfaithful? Isn't it more hurtful to hear the words "I had sex with another woman" than to hear "I kissed another woman". A kiss can be forgiven somewhat easily, but sex and a fuller intimate act takes a lot of courage to forgive. No act though can relieve anyone of guilt, or hurt, or pain.

I don't know why, it just confused me and when he wouldn't kiss me, I felt sad and regretful for I knew that if his girlfriend were to find out the pain that she would feel, having been there myself. He also kept muttering how bad he felt and I told him I would stop but he didn't want to. So I made him cum right there in my hand (eww cum!). He enjoyed it but now he will feel guilt for the rest of his life, like I do.

I really need to stop getting myself into messes like this. Or maybe we need to learn to keep our anatomy in our pants and our hands to ourselves, either way, it would save a hell of a lot of hassle, don't you think?

The Secret Ache.

Have you ever had a desire? A desire so strong for something that was out of your reach, or beyond your control, or had consequences that you would never be able to deal with. This desire, is so secret, that you barely even know it yourself. I know it sounds strange, but we all have secrets, so we must have secret desires.

Then comes the day when that secret something is in your grasp, but it's only there for a moment, not a second too short, or a second too long, it's just there for the time in which it needs to be there. For the time enough to make you enjoy it and loathe it all at the same time and then, before you've even had half a chance to say anything worth saying, it has gone again, out of your reach and beyond your control and you are left to live with the consequences of what happened in that one enjoyable moment.

What follows is an aching deep in your soul, an ache that hurts quite a lot because after having what you wanted, it was gone in the blink of an eye. And the consequences might not be fun and they can cause you all kinds of hassle and stress and yet you don't regret for one single moment, the joy that you felt when your desire was in reach. Yet, your heart aches because what you had was gone and you will never, ever in a lifetime have that back again.

What hurts more is, you have to deal with it all on your own, because it's such a secret desire, that you can't tell anyone. Or maybe you could but it could end up making you feel embarrassed or worried or even more stressed cause of the consequences. They say you don't know what you've got until it's gone, and in affairs of the heart and secret desires, this saying could not be any more true to form.