Months Down The Line.

As a blogger, I've tried and tested many forms of blogging, many ideas for blogs and this one seems to be my most successful, or the one I feel most comfortable with. During the last month or so of my A Level year I started a blog called The Diaries of an A Level Student and I hoped that someone would continue it, but no such luck. Regardless of this fact, I was skimming my entries a few moments ago and I read this:

I can’t help but feel reminded about a quote from one of my favourite movies that goes as follows: “I was waiting for the moment when life as I knew it, would change.” For the character it did. But I’m not so sure if it ever will for me.

It made me smile, how naive was I? Of course life was going to change for me. Life changes for us everyday in ways that we may not even know of. I guess I was just wishing for something different, to escape the dreadfulness of a levels. I was hoping for some major change, something big and sparkily to take me away from life as it was and so it did.

Although I did not intend on choosing this path and had my heart set on an entirely different one, the path I am on now will essentially lead me to the same place, although probably a lot more prepared than if I had followed the other one. I guess it's a lesson you learn with time, that no matter how much you want life to change, it never will unless you make it. One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was from my mother (hello!) was "You are the only one who can change your life". I don't remember what it as over, but that phrase has been one that has stuck in my mind for a very long time. I do often tell others the same thing when they are unhappy, that they are the only ones who can change the circumstances to make themselves happier and it's true. If you can't do it, then no one can.

I haven't felt the best about the changes my life took, as I live away from home and everything I know and have come to learn and love. But I guess I'm getting there, I know in the long run that this will make me a better person and that there is a reason why my life ended up going along this path rather than the other one. I have to say I'm a lot more content than I ever was about it. It's one of those things that you just have to do and no matter who cries, or who is oh so very sad, or who you lose or any other circumstance, you gotta just put on a braveface and deal with it. At the end of the day, what else can you do?

Months down the line from where I was, life as I know has changed and even months from now, life will have changed again, for better or for worse, who knows? It's just something you learn to deal with it, regardless of all the protests and emotions it evokes in you. So don't fret, just accept it, Life does and will change, no matter what.

Cheating.

Did you know that 60% of men and 40% of women are likely to cheat on their partners? No, neither did I. I do believe that sometime in our lives, we are likely to cheat, or be cheated on by our partners, whomever they happen to be.

I believe this because I have once been a cheater myself. It is not a fun activity and living with the guilt afterwards just isn't any fun. There are those of us, who will never know about our partner's affair for the truth only hurts. Yet, there are those of us who choose to be honest, to confess our guilt and try and forgive ourselves for the pain that we have caused. It's not easy, but we can and we do try.

My confession comes many many months after my infidelity when the topic resurfaced. Except this time, I was the other woman. The story goes as follows. I was out celebrating a friend's birthday with many people in a quiet and cosy bar. I was having a good night being a social butterfly and being friendly from person to person. A young guy caught my eye, he was cute, beautiful eyes (I'm such an eye person!), same height as me, dark skin and fairly built. All in all, he was a potential candidate, until he had a girlfriend. But we agreed to be friends nonetheless as we live in similar areas and have similar interests.

So as the night progresses, we continue to drink and celebrate until it's chucking out time and we walk back to a house party that never happens. Meanwhile, his friends are getting on with my friends, and then suddenly we're hugging to keep each other warm. It was genuinely freezing at 2am in Northern Ireland, as it is at basically any time in this country. Eventually, we're all piling into taxis and heading to a different house for a quieter party, but a party nonetheless.

So we arrive, cuddle up on the sofa to have a chat and stay warm. God, I make it sound so romantic, it totally wasn't. He brings my arm across his chest for a hug and moves it down slowly but surely until yes, it lands on his penis. Now I know you might be going "Yeah right, that so didn't happen" and instead have pictures of me jumping him instead. But really, I was so shocked because he had a girlfriend and I wasn't intending on doing anything apart from hug. But you get the picture, my hand, his penis, hand job, done. Not so romantic now, eh?

What confused me most was, he wouldn't even kiss me. His reason? Because he had a girlfriend. I think touching your penis is a bit more intimate that kissing your lips, is it not? I suppose kissing is quite a passionate act, but isn't sharing your anatomy and doing a dirtier deed than kissing more unfaithful? Isn't it more hurtful to hear the words "I had sex with another woman" than to hear "I kissed another woman". A kiss can be forgiven somewhat easily, but sex and a fuller intimate act takes a lot of courage to forgive. No act though can relieve anyone of guilt, or hurt, or pain.

I don't know why, it just confused me and when he wouldn't kiss me, I felt sad and regretful for I knew that if his girlfriend were to find out the pain that she would feel, having been there myself. He also kept muttering how bad he felt and I told him I would stop but he didn't want to. So I made him cum right there in my hand (eww cum!). He enjoyed it but now he will feel guilt for the rest of his life, like I do.

I really need to stop getting myself into messes like this. Or maybe we need to learn to keep our anatomy in our pants and our hands to ourselves, either way, it would save a hell of a lot of hassle, don't you think?