Define Yourself.

Recently, I've been thinking about who I am, about all the things that define me. For example, I'm a girl, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a lover, a writer, a student, a blogger and many other things. I've been going through each of these things then in turn and seeing how well I fit into that category. Some of them are obvious, the girl for example. Others are a little more complicated, like calling myself a writer.

Sure, I write things, but most of the time they sit there and stare back at me and no one else ever gets to see them. So my plan for improvement is to write more and be a better writer and share my work with those around me and eventually, with the world in general. That way when someone asks me how to define myself and I say 'I'm a writer' I will have some proof of that to show to that person.

The real thing that's been bothering me about who I am as a person is the fact that people seem to throw fits because I'm being myself. Take a recent example, I got a little annoyed about something and now the whole dynamic of the group has changed and how people see me has changed. I'm still me, I always was me, I just happened to show the side of me where I got annoyed at something. You can't deny that people get annoyed, it's a course of nature, If I do something that pisses you off, obviously you're going to get pissed off, you know what I'm saying?

I took the better approach to the situation and I apologised for being a dickhead about it, in hope that some sort of rectification of the situation would improve the mood all-round, but after that things got worse. If we go with the old saying, things get worse before they get better, that's how I feel right now. There's still something in the pit of my stomach that tells me that things aren't right, that the way we function is now dysfunctional. You know when things change and how you know it can't ever be the same again? That's how this situation seems to be and I guess I'm a little a sad, or nostalgic or something, but it just doesn't feel right. I feel like I'm the one who's gone and screwed us all over because it was me who got annoyed, maybe I'm paranoid because everyone else is just getting on with it and I'm trying to do the same, but it's still eating away at me.

Maybe It's just because I care too much, or I'm simply a "headcase" as some would describe it, regardless, I'm trying my hardest to get on with it, but it bothers me to no end and I've been close to getting up and walking away from everything I've built, but my sensibility stops me (thank god for that!). So, I guess I just needed to get this off my chest, to say, Here I am, this is me and I won't apologise for that and so rather appropriately, I'm going to leave you with this;

"Never apologise for showing feeling, for when you do, you apologise for the truth"

Growing Up

I know I am bad at keeping this place up to date. I also know I'm not the best blogger in the world or at all. I don't remember the reason why I started this at all, but I guess I feel like I should keep it going because it's the one place where I can be honest. It's the one place where I can reach out to people in a way that doesn't involve confrontation or screaming or anything ridiculous. I have considered shutting this place down though, my feelings on that are not yet decided.

There has been a lot of drama going on in my life lately, a week's worth to be exact and I'm exhausted in all forms. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I took the constructive course of action though, I made the decision to be the better person, to rectify the situations and take responsibility for my own actions. I guess there's honesty in that. I'm just fed up with being angry, fed up and pissed off. I'm so over it. We hurt people and we get hurt, it's what happens and we just have to learn to deal with that whichever way we can.

So that's what I'm doing. Dealing with it in my way. I might be hurt or upset, but I'm taking the course of action that helps me. I'm enjoying myself with my friends and just trying to live. I want to be happy. I want to be a better, happy, stronger person and that takes courage. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm growing up now. I'm 19 years old and I would have said I was pretty grown up beyond my years, but in all honesty, I'm not.

This time last year, I was a lost little girl. People have since came into my life and taught me valuable life lessons, ones that come to play in everyday situations. Things have happened in my life, maybe not the way I would have hoped it to go, but it happened and I'm here and I'm dealing with it, in a mature grown up kind of way. Sometimes, I'll get mad and angry and upset, but that's human nature and for that, I hope I can be forgiven.

I don't really have a point with this entry, I just wanted to make a post, to let you know I'm changing, I'm not the person I once was, I'm growing up, becoming who I'm supposed to be and I hope that you can still accept me for who I am, regardless of whatever changes within me or whatnot. I once read that the key to happiness is to accept yourself before others can accept you, love yourself before others can love you and you will become the most desired and desirable person you can be.

So here I go and try to accept myself, love myself for who I am, flaws included, in hope, that happiness will follow, and if it doesn't? I'm sure there'll be a valuable life lesson in the journey somewhere. So wherever you are, whoever you are, I hope that you are happy today and everyday for the rest of your life for that, is the most desirable feeling of all.

"So, This is My Life..."

"I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be".

This describes how I feel right now :).

I promise a better update when I can be bothered/have time/am not drunk.