This Is What I Know Now.

Well, this entry is going to be my last for a while. It's a goodbye to you, my readers, and to a few others who will read between the lines and hopefully understand.

I'm stopping writing here for a while because my entries seem to have become more about my personal life than I had hoped. That's not what I started this blog for. So, I'm going to take some time out, get to know myself and write things my way. I'll probably move sites or re-do this one and start again, but don't worry I'll keep you updated when progress is made.

So, I titled this entry 'This is What I know Now' because over the past few months, I have learnt a hell of a lot and well, in this goodbye, there are things that I know now, things that I will take with me wherever I go. I guess, in some ways, I expected the things I know now, and in some I didn't. But that's one of the things I know now, that you should expect the unexpected, things will happen regardless of whether you want them to or not and although you should try and find the best in people, to have a little faith in humanity, people will let you down and hurt you and that's just something none of us can escape.

Another thing about people is that they come and they go. It's kind of something that happens in life. You made friends in primary school and secondary and with every moment within your life, and then you say Goodbye to those people and meet new ones. That is what has happened, or well, is happening in my life at the moment. It's not that we want to stop being friends, it's just that we've changed. I took a big leap out of people's lives and other people stepped in to fill my place and people have filled theirs. That's just how it goes. So, we get up and we move on because that's the only thing we can do. And sure, I might not have as much fun as I used to, or I might not do the things I used to do, but I do different things and I have different fun. It's kind of what growing up is.

Other people in your life might not understand what you're doing or saying, or even understand you at all, no one said you had to make sense, but one day in the future they might experience something similar and then they'll understand that you did what you had to do. Yes, I am sorry that things have to happen this way, but they just do because I can't be who I was and I can't pretend, so I'm getting up, walking away and moving on and you will do it too and maybe we'll stop and chat when we see each other in the street and we will still have that connection, or that coffee, for old times sake but that's all it will ever be. And yes, I'm aware that these new people are going to hurt and upset me, hell they already have, but like I said, that's what happens.

So this is what I know now. I know that we're all changing and we have to let each other go in order to move forward. I know that we will all look back with fondness and cherish each memory and the time that we have shared. I also know that we will look forward with a smile, that we will move on and learn that this is how life goes. I also know, that we wish each other well. So, react to this if you want, but this is how I feel and I won't apologise for that. I don't know what else to say about this situation, I wish you all well my friends.

The final thing I know now is, this is goodbye and I will return when I've made progress and fixed some things that need to be fixed. So, take care and enjoy!

Sami & The City.

Mistakes & Rewriting.

As I write this, it has just turned 2am, I am in the University Library and I'm supposed to be doing work on Feminist Media Theory. I've given up for the night and I'm simply waiting on my housemate to finish her work so we can walk back together, in the pouring rain nonetheless.

It is not often I contemplate how my life is, I tend to just go with whatevers flowing, for I know that when I take the two steps back and look at it, I get one of those, wtf feelings, how did I end up here and now and what the hell did I do that for, you know?

But some recent events have lead me along this path, after highly considering leaving Uni I had to contemplate what else to do with my life and really, I don't know what my options are. There are times in life when I would love to jump on a plane, move forward and never look back. Although I say it, I know I will never do it, although the goodbyes will be hard, I'd prefer to stay on the good side of my family and friends so we can keep in touch wherever in the world I chose to be. Anyway, that's not really what my point is.

A few weeks back, I was told twice in one week that I was a mistake. Now, I didn't like being thought of as a mistake and it was quite a hurtful comment but hey, that's how those people view me. I was simply a mistake, a thing that happened that shouldn't have and now they are moving on to so-called "bigger and better things". Well, their loss really isn't it? If you're going to view me as a piece of vermon on your mistakes list, then clearly you aren't worth my time in the first place. Although, I hate to admit it, I do take great pleasure in knowing that I had them first and everyone else is my sloppy seconds. Hate to break it to you, darling, but it's the truth, so go ahead and hate me and make me a mistake. Better to be a mistake than to be a fool.

As well as considering how I'm a mistake, I've considered how and if I could maybe correct this view of myself in that person's eyes. This caused me to think about who I am to different people and how I acted toward them. With an old friend popping back into my life, the timing could not have been better to conisder this. Every week in our lives can be seen as another chapter in the book that is being written that documents who and what we are and how we chose to live. Sometimes the chapter lasts more than one week and somtimes the chapter closes and we store it away, with our feelings amongst it.

Sometimes we decide to trash that chapter and never think about it again, put it in the garbage can so to speak. However, every once in a while through some magical, divine, or supernatual power, a chapter can re-open or be re-written. We can re-write our story, right the wrongs, correct the fine print and spelling mistakes and make that chapter one that helps make the book onto the best-seller list. So at the end of the day, I might be a mistake in one chapter of your life, but maybe one day, I'll right that wrong, I'll be somebody who made a difference, who made you see something differently and if not, then well, at least I'm god damn something, eh?

It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, or so they say :P.