This Is What I Know Now.

Well, this entry is going to be my last for a while. It's a goodbye to you, my readers, and to a few others who will read between the lines and hopefully understand.

I'm stopping writing here for a while because my entries seem to have become more about my personal life than I had hoped. That's not what I started this blog for. So, I'm going to take some time out, get to know myself and write things my way. I'll probably move sites or re-do this one and start again, but don't worry I'll keep you updated when progress is made.

So, I titled this entry 'This is What I know Now' because over the past few months, I have learnt a hell of a lot and well, in this goodbye, there are things that I know now, things that I will take with me wherever I go. I guess, in some ways, I expected the things I know now, and in some I didn't. But that's one of the things I know now, that you should expect the unexpected, things will happen regardless of whether you want them to or not and although you should try and find the best in people, to have a little faith in humanity, people will let you down and hurt you and that's just something none of us can escape.

Another thing about people is that they come and they go. It's kind of something that happens in life. You made friends in primary school and secondary and with every moment within your life, and then you say Goodbye to those people and meet new ones. That is what has happened, or well, is happening in my life at the moment. It's not that we want to stop being friends, it's just that we've changed. I took a big leap out of people's lives and other people stepped in to fill my place and people have filled theirs. That's just how it goes. So, we get up and we move on because that's the only thing we can do. And sure, I might not have as much fun as I used to, or I might not do the things I used to do, but I do different things and I have different fun. It's kind of what growing up is.

Other people in your life might not understand what you're doing or saying, or even understand you at all, no one said you had to make sense, but one day in the future they might experience something similar and then they'll understand that you did what you had to do. Yes, I am sorry that things have to happen this way, but they just do because I can't be who I was and I can't pretend, so I'm getting up, walking away and moving on and you will do it too and maybe we'll stop and chat when we see each other in the street and we will still have that connection, or that coffee, for old times sake but that's all it will ever be. And yes, I'm aware that these new people are going to hurt and upset me, hell they already have, but like I said, that's what happens.

So this is what I know now. I know that we're all changing and we have to let each other go in order to move forward. I know that we will all look back with fondness and cherish each memory and the time that we have shared. I also know that we will look forward with a smile, that we will move on and learn that this is how life goes. I also know, that we wish each other well. So, react to this if you want, but this is how I feel and I won't apologise for that. I don't know what else to say about this situation, I wish you all well my friends.

The final thing I know now is, this is goodbye and I will return when I've made progress and fixed some things that need to be fixed. So, take care and enjoy!

Sami & The City.

Growing Up

I know I am bad at keeping this place up to date. I also know I'm not the best blogger in the world or at all. I don't remember the reason why I started this at all, but I guess I feel like I should keep it going because it's the one place where I can be honest. It's the one place where I can reach out to people in a way that doesn't involve confrontation or screaming or anything ridiculous. I have considered shutting this place down though, my feelings on that are not yet decided.

There has been a lot of drama going on in my life lately, a week's worth to be exact and I'm exhausted in all forms. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I took the constructive course of action though, I made the decision to be the better person, to rectify the situations and take responsibility for my own actions. I guess there's honesty in that. I'm just fed up with being angry, fed up and pissed off. I'm so over it. We hurt people and we get hurt, it's what happens and we just have to learn to deal with that whichever way we can.

So that's what I'm doing. Dealing with it in my way. I might be hurt or upset, but I'm taking the course of action that helps me. I'm enjoying myself with my friends and just trying to live. I want to be happy. I want to be a better, happy, stronger person and that takes courage. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm growing up now. I'm 19 years old and I would have said I was pretty grown up beyond my years, but in all honesty, I'm not.

This time last year, I was a lost little girl. People have since came into my life and taught me valuable life lessons, ones that come to play in everyday situations. Things have happened in my life, maybe not the way I would have hoped it to go, but it happened and I'm here and I'm dealing with it, in a mature grown up kind of way. Sometimes, I'll get mad and angry and upset, but that's human nature and for that, I hope I can be forgiven.

I don't really have a point with this entry, I just wanted to make a post, to let you know I'm changing, I'm not the person I once was, I'm growing up, becoming who I'm supposed to be and I hope that you can still accept me for who I am, regardless of whatever changes within me or whatnot. I once read that the key to happiness is to accept yourself before others can accept you, love yourself before others can love you and you will become the most desired and desirable person you can be.

So here I go and try to accept myself, love myself for who I am, flaws included, in hope, that happiness will follow, and if it doesn't? I'm sure there'll be a valuable life lesson in the journey somewhere. So wherever you are, whoever you are, I hope that you are happy today and everyday for the rest of your life for that, is the most desirable feeling of all.

"So, This is My Life..."

"I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be".

This describes how I feel right now :).

I promise a better update when I can be bothered/have time/am not drunk.

This Is My Life Now.

I was sitting around earlier in my University living room and having since discovered that home is a little out of balance right now, I began to think about how much my life has changed. I had my heart and hopes set on going somewhere else but I never got there. My relationship with that place has faltered since and I seem to avoid it as much as is possible.

In September, I was just an 18 year old girl, who passed her A Level Results and was heading off to University, an hour and a half away from home. I remember that very first day we drove down to get my keys for accommodation. My mum and Dad have the same car, though they are no longer together, so we got both the cars and piled it high with everything I was ever going to need. I drove with my mum and my sister drove with my dad. We were like troops traveling in a pack together.

We unpacked, ate together and I kept sending my friends Update texts as the day progressed. I had felt sad when my family left and I was here on my own because none of my housemates had arrived. I spent the first three days by myself and then headed home. I remember going on webcam and showing everyone my new room, how plain and boring and unwelcome it had seemed that very first day.

Now, I've decorated and added my own style to the place, I've made friends and I have changed and grown as a person. I don't miss home that much but I still go home, for my family and I'd like to hope that they still care - my friends. Having recently acquired a new sense of perspective, this really is my life now. I travel back and forth on Fridays and Sundays and I spend my week between reading the twilight series, going to class, having water fights and writing my novel.

Regardless of the fact that I'm not the person I was and I don't live where I have done my entire life, I do enjoy the company here, I enjoy the banter and I don't even mind the classes. Christmas break is fast approaching and I know I'm going to miss being here for a few weeks even though I revel in the fact that I'm in the city, I love the lights and the hustle and bustle, but along with that go the memories and places and people that have been a part of me, that sometimes I want to escape from.

THIS is my life now and I have to accept that, whether or not I want to. My friends and family have to accept it too, life has given me this path, it's not that I wanted it in the first place, but I know I'm on a path to somewhere better, something more than what I know of life as it is. So please, for my sake, accept that things have changed, that this is who I am, what I do, this is my life now and nothing can change that.

Home.

We all have that one place that we call home. The place we were born and have lived in most of our lives, where our childhood memories our, our young dreams, our scraped knees and broken hearts. There is no place like home.

But what if, you not really by choice, have to move away? You become part of a new set of people, new friends and people you become close to and adopt as a temporary family. It's a home away from home, not because you want it to be but because it has to be. What if you suddenly start enjoying it? It doesn't seem so bad.

I know this because I've done it. I really wasn't ever keen on moving away from home to go to University, unfortunately, life gave me that as a choice that I could follow or I'd not go to University at all. At first, I missed my real home, my family, my friends and the life I left behind and yes, sometimes I still miss it, but not as much. It's not so bad for me because I only live an hour and a half away, home really isn't far, but it's still far enough.

Far enough for me to miss it and at the same time, not. Far enough for bonds to break and hearts to ache. Just far enough. I've grown accustomed now, to my temporary home and I have lightened up and learnt to enjoy it. I guess there is no point moping around all day, you gotta take what's given to you and enjoy it. Otherwise, it's a pretty sad existence.

So regardless, of where you are, or who you miss, or what you no longer have, can do, or feel, just throw caution to the wind and enjoy it and you might actually learn something about yourself.

Take a risk, it's what life's about.

Still Lacking In Motivation

I know my posts are really unexciting as of late, but I'm tied between doing coursework, keeping up with a social life and nanowrimoing my brain out.

So today, instead of boring you with tales of nothingness and coursework and instead you can have a quote, rather appropriately, from someone named Swamiji Paramahamsa Nithyananda. I found the quote here. So here, it is:

Don’t keep thinking of what happened yesterday and what is going to happen tomorrow. Live in the moment and every situation will seem like the time of your life.

Lifes too short.

As you all know, I've been on the down and out as of late until a some friends helped to put my feet firmly back on the ground. I'm ready to hit it, jumping, running, or flying.

I used to think that life was the longest thing you'll ever go through and maybe it is, but at the same time, it is a short and wonderful thing and we should all be living it to the fullest. Even if that means having to say goodbye a thousand times or more. Even if it means loosing all the people in the world that you love so dearly. At the end of the day, we all end up dead.

I know that is probably really morbid and one of the worst things to ever say, but it's true and we just have to accept that. We should stop taking life and people and everything in it for granted and realise that we are truly blessed to be given everything we are given, regardless of how much we don't want, need or like it.

It's not all bad. I'm sure a lot of us have wonderful friends and family and opportunities being given to us left, right and centre. So why don't you hop on board that new plane and arrive at that new destination. You never know, it could be the making of you.

Just be sure that you thank someone for it, show your gratitude for life. Even if it means hugging a friend to show your love, at the end of the day, it will all be worth to die a happy person, knowing you lived life the way you wanted too.

Life is short. Make the most of it.

Change Continued.

Not much can be said about packing up your life and moving elsewhere. It's one of the most horrendous tasks ever. Especially when you've just been in Spain relaxing for a week, the last thing you want to do is unpack to repack and go away again. I suppose in the long run, it might be a good thing.

If you have no clue what I'm talking about, let me fill you in. I passed my A Level exams successfully, however my firm choice wouldn't accept me with a grade lower than what they asked for and so I accepted my insurance offer. However, that means upheaval to another city, as such. It's not really a city, but more of a small town with a University attached. Regardless, new places, new people, new opportunities will mean plenty more adventures to blog about to keep you all reading and entertained, hopefully.

A lot of people are upset about my leaving, most especially my family. I personally feel indifferent about the whole situation, I'm just running around trying to pack up everything and make sure I've forgot nothing. I just want to get there and get started, the waiting around is doing my head in. Oh and I move tomorrow. I really shouldn't be blogging right now, but instead, in the shower, or throwing things into suitcases and boxes and checking things off my 4-page long list.

I never really wanted to move away in the first place, but I believe everything happens for a reason. Perhaps this change and move away, is for me to become more independent and learn how to fend for myself as I will have to do so when I move to New York sometime in the future (yes, that is my plan). Also, many of my friends who have started their 2nd A level year are contemplating highly moving to the same University the next year. Perhaps this too is a reason why I am going. So that I can set up base and then my friends can join me in a year or so. It would be great fun, and pretty mad to say the least.

For whatever reasons I am setting upon this new journey, I am going with hope that I will become a better, stronger person for it and learn more and be offered many new opportunities. Someone once said, that with every closing door, there is an opening window. As one chapter in my life closes, this new one is just being started and although there will be problems and drama and everything that comes with life itself, I have to admit, I'm quite looking forward to it. For once, I embrace change and I do not fear it, for the only fear it is best to have, is that of fear itself.

And to those of you who are also embracing change and off to University or whatnot, I wish you the best on your new adventure.