Mistakes & Rewriting.

As I write this, it has just turned 2am, I am in the University Library and I'm supposed to be doing work on Feminist Media Theory. I've given up for the night and I'm simply waiting on my housemate to finish her work so we can walk back together, in the pouring rain nonetheless.

It is not often I contemplate how my life is, I tend to just go with whatevers flowing, for I know that when I take the two steps back and look at it, I get one of those, wtf feelings, how did I end up here and now and what the hell did I do that for, you know?

But some recent events have lead me along this path, after highly considering leaving Uni I had to contemplate what else to do with my life and really, I don't know what my options are. There are times in life when I would love to jump on a plane, move forward and never look back. Although I say it, I know I will never do it, although the goodbyes will be hard, I'd prefer to stay on the good side of my family and friends so we can keep in touch wherever in the world I chose to be. Anyway, that's not really what my point is.

A few weeks back, I was told twice in one week that I was a mistake. Now, I didn't like being thought of as a mistake and it was quite a hurtful comment but hey, that's how those people view me. I was simply a mistake, a thing that happened that shouldn't have and now they are moving on to so-called "bigger and better things". Well, their loss really isn't it? If you're going to view me as a piece of vermon on your mistakes list, then clearly you aren't worth my time in the first place. Although, I hate to admit it, I do take great pleasure in knowing that I had them first and everyone else is my sloppy seconds. Hate to break it to you, darling, but it's the truth, so go ahead and hate me and make me a mistake. Better to be a mistake than to be a fool.

As well as considering how I'm a mistake, I've considered how and if I could maybe correct this view of myself in that person's eyes. This caused me to think about who I am to different people and how I acted toward them. With an old friend popping back into my life, the timing could not have been better to conisder this. Every week in our lives can be seen as another chapter in the book that is being written that documents who and what we are and how we chose to live. Sometimes the chapter lasts more than one week and somtimes the chapter closes and we store it away, with our feelings amongst it.

Sometimes we decide to trash that chapter and never think about it again, put it in the garbage can so to speak. However, every once in a while through some magical, divine, or supernatual power, a chapter can re-open or be re-written. We can re-write our story, right the wrongs, correct the fine print and spelling mistakes and make that chapter one that helps make the book onto the best-seller list. So at the end of the day, I might be a mistake in one chapter of your life, but maybe one day, I'll right that wrong, I'll be somebody who made a difference, who made you see something differently and if not, then well, at least I'm god damn something, eh?

It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, or so they say :P.