Never-Ending Drama.

[Note: For the purposes of this blog, all names have been changed.]

Every relationship I’ve gone into has had some kind of drama before it. For example, my first relationship started a few days after Joe’s best friend ran up to me and said “JOE FANCIES YOU!” right in my face.

My second started after he came back from a religious festival and I told him how I had felt for a long time and he was a bit like “Whoa, you should have told me!” Although that’s not really drama, the drama was that everybody else hated him and didn’t want me to go out with him.

My third relationship started 12 hours after my 2^nd finished and involved drama because I had screamed and yelled at my 2^nd guy for breaking my trust. The other drama was that we decided not to tell anybody about it until Christmas (this was October) and everybody was getting slightly paranoid and suspicious.

My fourth wasn’t a relationship, more of a snog session because we were both slightly intoxicated.

And then we come to my fifth. The drama with this one was, I met him online and we hadn’t met before, but we had this kind of debate/argument and were about to walk out on each other. So then I turned up at the same place he was and he nearly had a heart attack. To say the least, if I had a picture of his face when he saw me, you’d be wetting yourself right about now.

My point is, everything that seems significant in my life, and we can’t deny that relationships are, seems to have had some kind of drama, some kind of major event that happens before something starts. Something ends and something soon after begins.

This reminds me of something that David Mitchell wrote in his book, Black Swan Green, that I think is quite true, and somewhat relevant:

“The world won't leave things be. It's always injecting endings into beginnings. Leaves tweezer themselves from these weeping willows. Leaves fall into the lake and dissolve into slime. Where's the sense in that... The world never stops unmaking what the world never stops making. But who says the world has to make sense?”

I have to say, David Mitchell really did capture it in a sentence. And I agree with him. It’s a bit like the saying ‘With every closing door there is an opening window’. Every-time something ends, something else begins. It makes logical sense. For example, if a TV programme ends, adverts begin (yeah, that was a bad example but you get the point).

I’ve discovered that every time something in my life ends and something new begins, something smashes. For example, I had a glass rose once upon a time (and it was lovely!) but when my 2^nd relationship ended and my third one began, it just fell and broke in half. When my 5^th relationship began, a glass was smashed. Maybe it’s representative of the smashing time that people had with me, and the smashing time the new people are going to have. (Yes, that was a joke).

I’ve kind of gone off point. My point is, drama seems to follow me! I know that sounds really stupid, but I do worry about it. I know I’m still quite young and that the ‘teenage drama’ (I’m 18…) years might not quite be over. But I wonder, does the drama ever end? Or does it just transmigrate into a different form as we grow up? Does the ‘teenage drama’ turn into ‘adult drama’? I.e. does the drama about boyfriends become drama about husbands? Does the drama about schoolwork turn into the office work? Does the drama about not having any money to go out turn into not having any money to pay the bills?

In effect, does drama just transmigrate from one thing to another? Or do we ever finally get rid of it? Are we destined to be dramatists forever? Or do we grow up and let the drama fade away? If life is a play, then we’re all actors/actresses and the drama of our lives is the drama of the play. In a play, the drama ends when the play does. So in life, does the drama end when we do?

In The Eyes Of Our Elders

I was lying down just last night and I was thinking about how other people might see me. Often, when I look in the mirror, I find it hard to comprehend that the face staring back at me, is me and I am looking at what other people see.

It’s a bit of a weird thought and might be slightly confusing but I just thought it was strange. When we are interacting with people, we can’t see ourselves. We just hope that we look good and we try our best to do so. Someone told me the other day, that when you see someone for the first time and if you get that feeling that you don’t like them, but you can’t place why, it’s because in the split second that you looked at them, they have blinked which has caused a reaction in their face and from that reaction you have seen something negative which makes you automatically dislike them. It’s all a bit psychological, but apparently it’s true. I did happen to find that quite interesting though.

So then I started thinking about how older people see me. I am 18 years old, still quite young and I still look like I’m about 15. I wonder, do older people see me as a young immature girl? Do they think that I’m innocent and have still got to experience a whole load of shit that life is going to hand me? Or do they see my experiences in my eyes, or on my face? Can they tell what I’ve been through? Or by wearing make-up and smiling at them, am I giving the impression that I’ve had this great life and I’m still young and have my whole life ahead of me? What do they see? And what do they take from what they see?

I mean, I know I am still young. But I am quite mature for my age; I’ve had to grow up a little before my time. And I know that seems to be the norm these days in society and when I’m saying all this, I feel like you are all going to be thinking ‘Oh, another teenage sob story, here we go’. When really, it’s not like that at all! The truth of the matter is, I have been hurt, I have had to grow up, I have experienced sadness and regret and I have even gone as far as to hurt myself. And admittedly, a lot of us have. But every person’s story is different; everybody does things for different reasons. Everybody is different. So why are we so quick to judge?

Do we really go on the belief system about stereotypes? Does every older person think that teenagers are just angsty and haven’t had any experience of the real world? In the eyes of our elders, what are we? When we see people for the first time and in the split second that we look at them, do we deduct something negative? And do we ignore them cause of our negative instinct? Are we really that shallow?

I know I’ve posed a lot of unanswerable questions, questions I myself ponder on time and time again. But I just wonder sometimes, is this really what the human condition is being reduced to? Are we really becoming shallow stereotypical judgmental arseholes? Or are we just going with ‘society’ and becoming social numb nuts?

Whatever the answer, I do think it’s time we take a real good look at what we’re tuning into; because I don’t think it’s anything to be proud of. The least we could do, is respect our elders and show them that we’re not young immature idiots and that we do have some kind of good moral upbringing. At the end of the day, they are the ones who have paved the way for us to have the lives that we do and are we really going to pay them back by being idiots? No, I didn’t think so.

Giving Something Back

This year I have plans to participate in several charity events. I don’t really know why but I do know that it is for a good cause and well, that can’t really be anything bad can it?

I was at my friend’s house when she handed me the invitation saying ‘You are invited to Race for Life’. Her mum had put our names down to do it as their family had been doing it for a couple of years now. Basically, you walk/run/jog 5 miles and it’s for breast cancer. It’s mainly a woman’s thing but men can do it too. So we have signed up. The one here is on June 1^st at 11am so, if you are also from here and are willing to try something new, then go over to Race For Life and check it out.

I was discussing Race for Life with my friend when I remembered I had heard about another charity thing entitled ‘You’re Not the Only One’. The intention of this is to collect experiences from bloggers all over the net who submit their stories and experiences. The stories will then be selected and published in a book which will be priced at £9. Out of those nine pounds, £4.50 of it will be donated to the charity War Child. More info can be found here: Peach so hop on over if you’re interested! Although, the deadline is under two weeks from now!

In an entry I made last year, I wrote about how women in Africa are punished by being put in a box and left to fry in the sun of the desert. Well I was given this information by a girl from Amnesty International who stopped me when I was in town one day. Now, as a student myself, I can’t particularly afford to be paying off a couple of pounds a month, and I know that seems totally selfish, but what can you do. However, I am linking them here in order to show my support for the work that they do! So here we go: Amnesty International

Finally, my other somewhat charitable acts, I click on this website everyday: The Animal Rescue Website for every time you click the, donate now button, 0.6 portions of food for animals is donated. I think this is a great idea, although I do have my doubts about whether it actually works or not. But let’s stay positive and hope that it does!

Many a time in life, we pass each other by, not knowing each other’s stories or what that other person may have gone through. We simply choose to ignore the horrid truth of people’s lives and go on with our own. A lot of the time, we are selfish and self-obsessed, we often feel that we have no time to focus on others and help them, because we’re too busy with ourselves and our own problems. I won’t be the last to admit it. Although I do my fair share of playing agony aunt, but admittedly, it is something I like to do, helping others that is. So I feel by doing these several small donations for charity, I am giving something back to life, because although it has been hard at the best of times, I have been happy and everything could be a lot lot worse.

So if I have made you feel somewhat guilty (that wasn’t my intention…) then why don’t you try something I’ve mentioned above? Or next time you feel like passing somebody by, just ask them how they are. It won’t cause you any harm. If you are kind to life, it might just be kind to you!

Friendship, Flowers & The Past.

Often you hear people say that friends are the most important thing to them and that boyfriends will come and go, but friends will always stick by you.

Once upon a time, I had a friend who I thought would stick by me, no matter what. And during our friendship I had the most horrible break up and I thought I'll be alright, I have my friends. Unfortunately, I was proven wrong as not much time thereafter, my so-called friend, went off with my ex. Admittedly, that wasn't a fun time in my life.

And maybe I was wrong to befriend her in the first place, our ideals weren't really the same and we didn't see all that much of each other. But nonetheless, when you open your heart to someone and let them into your life, you expect some kind of respect to go along with that. And dating your friend's ex is right out there on the no-go scale.

There's a certain level of trust that goes along with being somebody's friend. And that's where many people find that they have problems. I know, I do. We've all been hurt before by friends, by lovers and sometimes even by family. And that's why when someone new comes along, we put up our guard. We don't immediately let them come walking right through the gates to our hearts. We have to let them find the key to open them first before we let them in. And even then, it takes time and effort. We aren't just going to drop everything for this someone new, no matter how much we want to, or how much we think that they won't hurt us. Because somewhere deep down inside us says, that we don't know that and that there is still always a possibility for being hurt.

And I know, we shouldn't dwell on our past, on our hurt, we should look positively and brightly to the future, but it is really never that easy, is it? Not everything is black and white. There are always grey areas. Areas that tell us that we know better than to let our guard down, or when we do, that we should have known better in the first place. It's a grey world, it's complex and complicated and although at times, it doesn't have to be, our human nature seems to complicate it anyway.

As each season rolls around, new people seem to come into our lives and some tend to leave for whatever reasons. Friendship can be seen to be exactly the same as the seasons, we meet in Spring and friendship blossoms and forms, and throughout summer we shine and become great friends. Then towards autumn, we begin to decay and perhaps have arguments and by winter, the friendship has died. But soon enough, spring rolls around again and new friendships come and go like they did before.

I was thinking about this metaphor when I cast my mind back to a friendship I used to have, we used to say we were roses, each of us represented one colour, white for peace, red for love and black for death. Although it seems somewhat childish, it occurred to me that our metaphor of roses was right. Friendships are exactly like roses, they bloom and there is love and peace and unfortunately, they die but new roses grow from where the old ones used to be and the cycle goes on forever, blooming and shining and dying, then starting all over again.

It kind of goes to show, that even though your current friendships might not last, there will always be new ones that will grow and that you will learn to cherish them, no matter how much hurt it causes you. At the end of the day, you know that there will always be someone there for you when you need them to be and even when they do move on, you will cherish that friendship for what it was, not what it became.

To Nit-Pick Or Not To Nit-pick?

I am a student of the arts. Mainly of, the creative arts such as Media studies and English. However, recently I've been studying for an upcoming English module retake and I got so frustrated with all the silly information I have to learn.

Literature is defined as: "the writings dealing with a particular subject". Nowhere, in that definition does it suggest that literature is where we analyze a play, a poem, or a story in anyway. What good does that do anyone? Literature, literally, is writing that deals with a particular subject. And the writer is likely to identify this subject in the introduction, or notes. Therefore, why do we insist on nit-picking things apart?

Is it just human instinct? Do we need to nit-pick, to find the flaws and the perfections and meanings so that we ourselves can identify with what the writer is trying to say? Can we not just accept things for what they are? And what they were meant to be? Is it really necessary for us to pull things apart to see the bigger picture? And if so, are we really that blind that we can't see it in the first place?

As I am writing these words, are you trying to find a hidden meaning in what I'm trying to say? Are you thinking "Oh shes writing this because she is upset with her life because she cant revise literature and therefore wrote this post as a result"? Well, let me tell you something.

I'm writing this post because I am a writer. I am interested in the particular subject of literature and therefore am dealing with it in the way that literature defines me to do so. I am not using smilies, or rhetorical questions so that you can sit here and pick apart every word I've just written in order to find a hidden meaning.

There is no hidden meaning. This is what I'm saying. This is not what literature is about. We should be being taught how to put into effect the things which we are told to look for. That way, we can identify on how to do them ourselves and then we won't need to nit-pick things apart, because we'll know what to look for and will understand things as the bigger picture.

So now I'm off to be the good literature student that I am [not..] and nit-pick apart some Seamus Heaney, Brian Friel and William Shakespeare. And I bet, in the time that these writers existed, not one of the audience was thinking of the hidden meaning while watching the play or reading the poem.

Repetition, Repetition, Repetition.

I've had a private journal for four years now and just the other day I was reading some of my backdated entries.

Much to my horror, I realized that some of things I used to complain about all those years ago, somehow, I still seem to complain about them now. Although the situations usually involve different people or places. Something is different but yet my complaint is the same.

It got me thinking. Are we destined to make the same repetitive mistakes? Are we just living the same old story with brand new people? And can we ever change its course? Can we somehow live the same story but negotiate the outcome?

I once wrote in a poem 'Because that's what the present is, just an updated version of the past'. It wasn't until now that I realized how true my words were.

And they say that you learn from your mistakes. If we are making the same mistakes over and over, are we really ever learning anything?

Turn The Lights On.

I once heard the lyric:

'It's hard to be courageous in a world that doesn't care for you.'

Lately, I've discovered how true this statement is. Life is hard, life is unfair and from my experiences, life will almost always disappoint you. Now I know that sounds terribly depressing and you're probably all groaning and thinking 'then what's the fucking point?'. Trust me, if I knew the answer to that question, I'd be a millionaire by now.

I was lying in my bed last night, plunged into the darkness and I was feeling lonely and lost and completely stupid. And when you're in this state, you do truly begin to wonder about the world and whether it does truly care for you. Really, it doesn't.

There is one time in your life when it will. The world will care for you in your fifteen minutes of fame. But once those fifteen minutes are over you are thrown back to the hungry wolves and left to struggling to fend for yourself and trying to make it through another day. And when you're struggling,that's when you realize you need to find a way out. You could befriend a wolf, become a wolf or hide/run away from them. But what keeps you going, is hope and knowing. You know and/or you hope, that you will make it through.

And although the world may not care, if you take that step and be courageous you will find out that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You just need to find a way to turn it on. I somehow managed to turn mine on by confiding in a friend, who at the same time is a complete stranger. But at 2am, they were there for me and somewhere in the darkness, a light turned on for me and it gave me hope that I was able to go on. And although the light turned on, and the world opened up to me, it still didn't care, but neither did I.

All that matters is just existing and knowing that someone out there does care and will be there to help you turn the light on, if needs be. And even if their advice isn't the greatest, you could always take a trip to IKEA and buy a night light and turn it on yourself.

People won't always be there for you, and that's when you learn that sometimes, you just gotta take care of yourself.