30 Days Later

So, we all know about my NaNoWriMo win, today marks my 30th post of NaBloPomo. That's a blog everyday for the month. I don't know if I can continue this, I've been neglecting coursework and such, but I'll try to at least post once a week, maybe more, if your lucky.

I'm sure that you can tell from my recent posts that I've been on the down and out with regards to my friends - well the down and out became the up and away today as we finally spoke and sorted things out. I never stopped caring, neither did they, so we're all good. Just a misunderstanding, as per usual.

I'm glad that we've sorted it out, I didn't want to be alone this Christmas. By the way, any offers for kisses under mistletoe? I could really do with some ;P

This Is My Life Now.

I was sitting around earlier in my University living room and having since discovered that home is a little out of balance right now, I began to think about how much my life has changed. I had my heart and hopes set on going somewhere else but I never got there. My relationship with that place has faltered since and I seem to avoid it as much as is possible.

In September, I was just an 18 year old girl, who passed her A Level Results and was heading off to University, an hour and a half away from home. I remember that very first day we drove down to get my keys for accommodation. My mum and Dad have the same car, though they are no longer together, so we got both the cars and piled it high with everything I was ever going to need. I drove with my mum and my sister drove with my dad. We were like troops traveling in a pack together.

We unpacked, ate together and I kept sending my friends Update texts as the day progressed. I had felt sad when my family left and I was here on my own because none of my housemates had arrived. I spent the first three days by myself and then headed home. I remember going on webcam and showing everyone my new room, how plain and boring and unwelcome it had seemed that very first day.

Now, I've decorated and added my own style to the place, I've made friends and I have changed and grown as a person. I don't miss home that much but I still go home, for my family and I'd like to hope that they still care - my friends. Having recently acquired a new sense of perspective, this really is my life now. I travel back and forth on Fridays and Sundays and I spend my week between reading the twilight series, going to class, having water fights and writing my novel.

Regardless of the fact that I'm not the person I was and I don't live where I have done my entire life, I do enjoy the company here, I enjoy the banter and I don't even mind the classes. Christmas break is fast approaching and I know I'm going to miss being here for a few weeks even though I revel in the fact that I'm in the city, I love the lights and the hustle and bustle, but along with that go the memories and places and people that have been a part of me, that sometimes I want to escape from.

THIS is my life now and I have to accept that, whether or not I want to. My friends and family have to accept it too, life has given me this path, it's not that I wanted it in the first place, but I know I'm on a path to somewhere better, something more than what I know of life as it is. So please, for my sake, accept that things have changed, that this is who I am, what I do, this is my life now and nothing can change that.

If That's The Way It Is.

I have officially been caught in the web of the Twilight series. After finishing Twilight early yesterday evening, I couldn't wait to get out the door and buy New Moon this afternoon. I've had my head stuck in it since, I am annoyed though with the way the story is at the moment.

Amazingly, it's somewhat like my own life story at the minute. Some people appear to have disappeared and I'm waiting not very patiently or numbly, but in a state of annoyance and wonder about whether they are going to come back. It is their choice but they know I'll be waiting, no matter how awkward it is or how annoyed I was.

That's thing about it though, when someone leaves and comes back, it's never the same. It's why you don't date someone twice, because they never change, no matter how much you want them too. I guess there is nothing I can really do right now apart from wait, the ball is in their hands.

But, you know who you are and I know you'll read this. I still care, even if I say that I don't. Of course I do. And I'm sorry if I hurt or upset you, that is obviously not what I intended. I just am a little confused right now. I thought we sorted it out. But if you want this to end, just let me know so I know where I stand. Thanks.

I'm off now to write, hopefully over the finish line in nanowrimo and read some more of New Moon, in hope that it will get better and I'll stop being annoyed with it.

Home.

We all have that one place that we call home. The place we were born and have lived in most of our lives, where our childhood memories our, our young dreams, our scraped knees and broken hearts. There is no place like home.

But what if, you not really by choice, have to move away? You become part of a new set of people, new friends and people you become close to and adopt as a temporary family. It's a home away from home, not because you want it to be but because it has to be. What if you suddenly start enjoying it? It doesn't seem so bad.

I know this because I've done it. I really wasn't ever keen on moving away from home to go to University, unfortunately, life gave me that as a choice that I could follow or I'd not go to University at all. At first, I missed my real home, my family, my friends and the life I left behind and yes, sometimes I still miss it, but not as much. It's not so bad for me because I only live an hour and a half away, home really isn't far, but it's still far enough.

Far enough for me to miss it and at the same time, not. Far enough for bonds to break and hearts to ache. Just far enough. I've grown accustomed now, to my temporary home and I have lightened up and learnt to enjoy it. I guess there is no point moping around all day, you gotta take what's given to you and enjoy it. Otherwise, it's a pretty sad existence.

So regardless, of where you are, or who you miss, or what you no longer have, can do, or feel, just throw caution to the wind and enjoy it and you might actually learn something about yourself.

Take a risk, it's what life's about.

Grin and Bare It.

This evening I'm going out with some of my lovely friends to a nice bar for a quiet drink and/or party. I know it's going to be fun, but I have instinctive feelings right now that its going to turn into a coupletastic snog-fest.

You know when people fancy each other? Then alcohol gets involved. It kinda turns into a, oh look you're really pretty *kisses* type thing. Well I know that two girls going tonight have crushes on two guys that are going tonight and vice versa. So, instinctively, I know that its going to be a snogathon and I'll be there going 'Well, this is great'.

I'm not going to feel sorry for myself because what's the point? I could drink myself silly and have to be carried home, but I'm not like that. So what I'm really going to do is grin and bare it and hope that some random hottie turns up for me, or ask my friends to share their men, or just steal them away from them and tell them they can do whatever they want with the guys when they go home together, but for now, can I have you please?

You can never really predict what's going to happen though, so hopefully the night turns out better than I'm expecting it to be. :)

The Secret Ache.

Have you ever had a desire? A desire so strong for something that was out of your reach, or beyond your control, or had consequences that you would never be able to deal with. This desire, is so secret, that you barely even know it yourself. I know it sounds strange, but we all have secrets, so we must have secret desires.

Then comes the day when that secret something is in your grasp, but it's only there for a moment, not a second too short, or a second too long, it's just there for the time in which it needs to be there. For the time enough to make you enjoy it and loathe it all at the same time and then, before you've even had half a chance to say anything worth saying, it has gone again, out of your reach and beyond your control and you are left to live with the consequences of what happened in that one enjoyable moment.

What follows is an aching deep in your soul, an ache that hurts quite a lot because after having what you wanted, it was gone in the blink of an eye. And the consequences might not be fun and they can cause you all kinds of hassle and stress and yet you don't regret for one single moment, the joy that you felt when your desire was in reach. Yet, your heart aches because what you had was gone and you will never, ever in a lifetime have that back again.

What hurts more is, you have to deal with it all on your own, because it's such a secret desire, that you can't tell anyone. Or maybe you could but it could end up making you feel embarrassed or worried or even more stressed cause of the consequences. They say you don't know what you've got until it's gone, and in affairs of the heart and secret desires, this saying could not be any more true to form.

Why Do We Fall Down?

Have you ever noticed how we spend our lives reading books about people with high-flying careers, a beautiful house, a wonderful family and great friends? Often, we think how unrealistic it all seems, that having our cake and eating it too, is just a fantasy that is laid out in books for us to read and mope about how our lives don't compare.

Isn't it time we started making the unrealistic become more realistic? If we really want it all, all we have to do is work for it and persist. Persistence really is the key to everything. Most of the time, we have this dream and we all plan it out in our heads, from how we dream our weddings to be, how we dream our careers to be, our future husbands, wives, daughters, sons etc. We all plan it right down to the last intimate detail (or maybe that's just women) and yet, we always seem to settle for second best. There has to come a time in life where people must chose, do they take the fairytale path and keep persisting until they feel that their dream really can't be taken any further, or do they settle for second-best on the path that's a little dusty, but safe and familiar?

If that person chooses the dusty second-best path (not that it's a bad one), you must ask yourself why? Why did that person suddenly stop aiming for their entire life's dream. Why did that person just give up? I know life is hard and it has it seems to have it's downs a hell of a lot more than it's ups, but every time we fall down, do we really just stay down? Or do we say "Fuck this" and get back up on our feet? Rather appropriately, I feel I must quote Batman Begins, one character asks "Why do we fall down?" and the other replies "So we can learn to get back up again". And it's true, we must fall down lots, so we can learn to pick ourselves up again. If we just stayed down all the time, we'd never learn anything. That's what mistakes are for, they are learning experiences, to make you a better, stronger, happier, wiser person.

I know it's hard to be positive a lot of the time, it's hard to really see the bigger picture as I've mentioned before. But next time you fall down, in that split second when you want the world to swallow you head to toe, why don't you try and think "This happens for a reason. This is something I have to learn from." And as hard as it is, to pick yourself up again, you must try. And if you can't do it yourself, then I'm pretty damn sure, you'll have some great friends to help you on your way. So when you finally get your feet back on the ground, you'll have considered the reasons for this mistake, this fall, and have learnt something from it, whether it be, not to do it again, that you're friends are awesome for helping you, or that you simply just need to do things differently. For that one week, day, month or perhaps even a year you spend on the floor, the feeling of getting back up again as a happier, wiser, better, stronger person is the greatest thing of all.