Secrets.

They say what you don't know can't hurt you, but I've been pondering on this statement for quite a while recently. It's a statement that is used at least once everyday somewhere in the world by somebody trying to protect themselves, or to stop themselves from hurting another person. But isn't it the not knowing that hurts? We all have secrets and we all have the right to privacy, but when these secrets involve someone else, is it really a secret? And is it your right to keep it a secret?

By not telling people, you are keeping things botttled up, and talking from experience, bottling things up is never a good idea. Why? Because eventually, you will have bottled so much up that one day your gonna pop the cork(excuse the pun) and just erupt a whole galleon of emotion. And that's when people's worlds seem to come crumbling down, because they've had this build up and build up and then a final release, but in this release all they've done is show that they have made life a little more difficult for themselves than they should have.

Aren't we all encouraged to be honest and open? And isn't 'honesty the best policy?'. And if so, then why do we tell lies? Why do we hide secrets? Is it because we are afraid of hurting someone? Is it because we are afraid of being hurt ourselves? Or is it because we are too embarassed to admit to feeling something we dont want to? Or, is it because we are ashamed of ourselves? Are we keeping secrets to avoid shame and embarassment, or just pure hurt?

Can you live with the guilt (if you are guilty...) of having a secret that could destroy somebody elses whole world? In a matter of seconds, trust can be broken, but in a matter of months it can be re-built. But if someone has been dishonest and broken your trust, can you ever forgive them? You might say that yes, you trust them again, but you know deep inside that you don't and you might never trust them again.

I once ended a relationship on the basis of broken trust. I still talk to the guy as friends, though it is not often. But I don't trust him like I used to and I doubt that I ever will. And yet here I am, sitting wondering what I should do because I've got myself into a bit of a predicament (no, I'm not going to tell you what it is...!).

And having got myself into this predicament, its bringing up issues about myself. Am I really this dishonest disloyal person? Is that really who I want to be? And if not, why don't I come clean? What am I afraid of? What is the worst that could happen? And if I am any sort of decent human, wouldn't I, out of pure respect for the other person, tell them that I am shit at life? Am I afraid of loosing them? And even if I want to come clean, how do I do it? Do I sit them down over a coffee and be like "Um, Im sorry but Im a dick?". Or do I tell them via telephone, text, email? How do you go about spilling your secrets?

I don't want to be dishonest. I don't want to be who I seem to have become. Yet, I still can't help wondering if its better for all of us If I lived with my own guilt and left everyone else out of it. This brings me back to my first statement about what you dont know can't hurt you. In matters of the mind and heart, what do you do when you have a secret that should be spilled but you just cant seem to spill it?

Adventures in Manland.

I know it’s been a while since my last update, but really, I’ve had no inspiration whatsoever due to the stresses of my life. As an A level student I am consistently required to be working at least 12 hours a day. Impossible, I know, but that’s the general consensus.

So the “lucky” woman that I am, I got to be privileged to go on an adventure into man-land. Man-land, my friends, is specifically, male territory, or a male night out. And no, I didn’t have to put a sock down my pants and pretend to be a male, I was there as a “girlfriend”. Don’t ask. So anyway, I decided that since I often whine about men and how shit they are it would be useful to blog about my adventure in man-land, and I know the males are looking forward to my critical opinion :P!

Upon arrival, I discovered a living room full of 5 males drinking beer and playing poker. Since I have no clue about how to play poker, I let them get on with it and sat and smiled like an idiot. During this stage of the night, I “overheard” the remark ‘ham sandwich’ followed by ‘spaghetti junction’ – and they didn’t mean it in the way of ‘I would like a ham sandwich or some spaghetti please…’ Take the comments into a sexual context, and then you’ll understand. Now, I’m not sure of what exactly was meant, or was suggested as I wasn’t supposed to hear the comment but I did. Note to men: Women aren’t deaf and they will hear everything you say while in the same room.

But moving on from the sex remark. There are some things I want to pick up on about men, one being Beer. Beer is a man-drink, without a hell of a doubt. But when your man is drinking beer, it puts me right off. I do not want to kiss your smelly beer breath cause I don’t want the beer breath myself. The second thing, Football, shortly after I was greeted and introduced, I was informed about the football associations of the group. It was like two for Arsenal or Chelsea or something blue, and Two for Liverpool, and Liverpool had just won and so there was a bit of a male atmosphere of “WE WON, FUCK YOU NERNERNAHAHA’. Delightful, absolutely delightful. Note to men: Girls do not give a living shit about football (unless they tell you specifically that they are and want to take you to a football match). I just don’t get what fun it is to kick a football around a field. Although, I stated this and was given back the statement that ‘Football is to men, what shopping is to women’. Fair enough. You stick to the football and we’ll stick to the shopping.

After leaving the house party, we moved on to a bar that we sometimes frequent. Although this bar was shit because it was headbangers night, so we left that one and moved onto another called ‘The Back Bar’. You can guess why it’s called this, because it’s at the back of another bar, well done, you’re smart. This bar wasn’t so bad, though I had never been there before and wasn’t entirely comfortable with going out of my safety zone with 4 people I barely knew, but I did. One thing I must note about this bar, is the fact that it was full of older people trying to pull and it played random tunes, but what the hey it was fun anyway. During the night, a song was request by one of my guy friends, called ‘White Lines’ – you can only guess what its about. But we were all standing in a circle when it came on and suddenly they all just started singing and moving while I stood there like a true girl, water in hand (hey, I was ill) and watched them with critical eyes, wondering just what the hell they were on about. I have to admit though, watching 4 guys move and sing consecutively was pretty funny. But following this, there were other songs, and my friends, I’m a girl and I cannot dance, but my god, those boys cannot dance! But in a good natured and friendly way, it was nice that they tried and made the effort to do so.

As the night wore on, drinks were piling in, beer after beer while I still had my one glass of water. They did try to argue with me and try to get me to drink but my statement of ‘If I have another alcoholic beverage, I will vomit on your shoes’ seemed to shut them up. So as they were getting drunker and drunker, I was getting even more sober (if that’s possible). One of the guys I was with started flirting with me which was nice in a way (even though, yes I am taken at the moment), but it’s always nice to know that there are still others out there who wouldn’t mind a piece of your ass (yes, I did just say that). So, a little flirting went on (if my man is reading this – it’s woman’s nature to flirt and you know it…!) and it was nice to flirt again with someone new, even if we both knew nothing would happen. And it was nice to talk to someone else, to learn a little bit about them and make a new connection, a new friend with them, no matter how drunk they were, or how bad they were at rock paper scissors.

At some stage during the night, when some people were drunk-tastic, we had some thumb wars (I let the side down girls and lost repeatedly!) but I did win pretty much at rock paper scissors which followed after thumb wars. The guy I was playing RPS with was drunk as hell, and when he lost he yelled ‘I am going to hell, me and Hitler and Stalin in hell!’ Good luck with that one, my friend. But I very much doubt you are going to hell because you lost rock paper scissors.

On a more serious note, it must be a guy thing, because they pick thee worst times to ask people serious and important questions. In the middle of a bar, full of drunken people and perverts, one of the guys said to the other ‘I am going to propose to my girlfriend later this year. Will you be my best man?’ Now, as sweet as it is that they were considering their friend for such an important job, I don’t quite think it was the right time to ask. I said this to the best man, and he said it was a guy thing, that it takes time and a lot of courage (via alcohol) to ask someone such a question. So in that aspect, I suppose I can see the point. But I still feel there was a better time and place for such questions to be proposed. But each to their own, really.

So, I seem to have written quite a lot on Man-land, but have gained no real insight to the complex sex we call the male species. But one thing I will mention is that women are right about one thing, men are worried about their penis size, and they do feel good if they are bigger than their friends and sometimes during flirting they actually like you, and want to take you there and then. Well note to men, sometimes women want you to take us there and then too. Unfortunately, it’s never the right time, the right place, or the right person.

And here ends my adventure into Man-land. And I admit, it wasn't that bad, it could have been worse. Now, if only I was a fly on the wall to find out what it's like when women aren't actually around (haha).

One In Several Million Others.

Often, women find themselves asking, 'Where have all the good guys gone?'. And really, where have they gone? Were they ever there in the first place? Well, ladies, I dont think they've actually gone anywhere. We just haven't found them. And why? Because they're hiding. And where are they hiding? Online, my friends, online!

According to a survey carried out by a company called Parship, there is now a 50:50 chance that your single friends are logging on to find love! In 2007 alone, 7.8 million people logged online to find a date by using an online dating website! The statistics even show that there are more men logging on than women, a mere 48% of women compared to the 52% of men!

And so far this year, 65% of singles have logged on for love! And again, according to this survey in Britain alone, there are at least 15 million single people! Isn't that astonishing? The population of Britain is around 65 million people, and if there 15 million singles, thats at least 23% of British people who are still searching! So my friends, if 7.8 million people are using online dating websites to find a partner, thats just over half of the 15 million singles!

If you have ever considered online dating websites but were too embarrassed, don't be! He's out there somewhere amongst several million others and if you are to join an online dating website, such as POF, or OK!Cupid then you are that one little step closer to finding him! And if you are still embarrassed because your other single friends are all "Omg! Online dating! How low can you get!" then show them this article with the statistics and be proud of yourself for having the confidence to put yourself out there!

Although, I will give you this. We are all well aware of the perverts and pedophiles that lurk around the interweb, so get to know someone first before you arrange to meet. And when you do, take a friend with you and get her to lurk a couple of meters behind. And then when you feel comfortable enough to take the rest of the time on your own, text her and let her know she can go home. And then, ring her when you get home safely! And then, do the same for her when she needs it! It means that you are both safe and if he turns out to be a right bore, you can text her to fake an emergency phone call and then run off for a drink together elsewhere!

But anyway, next time you are feeling down about being single, just remember this article and how you are only one single in 14 999 999 others!

A Quick Hello.

Hey Guys!

This post is just to let you know that I'm alive. Things are a bit mad at my side of town. I've been having my room renovated and my computer hasn't been plugged in and I haven't really had the time to sit down and blog.

However, I have had some ideas which I've jotted down and you should expect some new stuff within the next week or so as things begin to get back on track. Also, expect a complete new blog makeover with some new photos and stuff! I've had some nice ideas for this place.

So anyway, I hope you're all having a Good Easter and try not to eat too many Easter eggs! :P

I'm gonna try with this blog as well, to bring things onto a personal level, I realised I might sound really condescending in some of my entries and stuff and that's not what I want. But yeah, some changes are on their way!

Have fun!
Sami
:)

Life Advice.

For a long long time, I've believed, that people are sent into my life for one of the following reasons:

1. For me to help them
2. For them to help me.
3. For us to help each other
4. For me to help them help themselves.

Well, you get the idea, it's all to do with helping and supporting each other. Now, in theory, this might seem a little stupid. But, if you know me and know some of the situations I've been in, you might be able to identify it. And in practice, you might wonder, if I am so busy helping other people, do I ever help myself?

Well, of course I do. By helping other people, I learn from their situations, and sometimes I have to help people on a more personal level and that helps me. And I know it seems a little strange, when I meet someone new I know they've come into my life for one of the reasons aforementioned. And you're probably wondering, well, how do you know if a person is just for you and not for you to help?

Sometimes, you just know. If someone is really special and really for you, you will know. And sometimes, I might get veered off course and think that someone is for me, because they've convinced me but in the end, it'll work out the other way. And sometimes, people don't need any help, they just need a new friend and that's fair enough. I'm happy to be friends with people who want to be friends. I'm not all about 'hiya. what's your problem and how can I help?'. It happens over time. So if I haven't had an effect on your life and your in mine, well watch out :P. Nah, Im joking.

I am believer of 'What's meant to be will always find it's way'. Because it's true really, if something is MEANT to happen, it will. I know that idea is slightly out there and arguements like fate and destiny and religion somewhat could be brought into it. But for once, just go with it, don't question. If you want to believe it, then do. And while I'm on this somewhat path of giving life advice, another thing. Any situation, no matter what, it isn't actually ever as bad as it seems. I know at the worst of times, you think you're going to die or have a heart attack or something, and those are drastic, but you'd be surprised how many people go that far with a situation that makes them nervous or causes discomfort. In the end, it turns out, they survived because the situation wasn't as bad as they thought it was going to be! See my point?

I mean, we all have days when we feel like shit and we even have days were we look like shit, and some days just are shit. But at the end of the day, we can say we survived. And in my experience, there's nothing better than being able to say that you survived. It's worth every panicking moment where you think you're going to die! :P. So, I've given all my life advice for today, and hopefully you might take something from it, and if not, well, just survive will ya!

Dancing On Clouds.

I met a man about a month ago and have been talking with him ever since. We've been on several dates and had a few snogathons in our time. When we first started chatting he used the analogy that 'English is like dancing on clouds. Maths is finding out why the clouds are shaped thusly'.

From that analogy, I knew he would turn out to be interesting. And he did. He challenged everything I believed in. But I always stood my ground even if he tried to convince me otherwise. I'm not easily fooled :P. But he still had respect for me. Which contrasts with my other post entitled 'No, Women shouldn't back down'.

What I want to share about this experience is that, he taught me something that I've long challenged and whined about. I once heard the quote 'I'm looking for one guy to prove that they're not all the same'. And ever since I heard it, I've been looking for that one guy to do so. And then I met him. And yes, I'm admitting it here and now, he did prove it. He respected my ideals, my feminist qualities even if he got annoyed by them, he didn't rush me into sex and he was willing to wait for me to decide what I want.

He is an awesome guy. He's just not the one for me (much to his disappointment :P). But what I will say is this, that whoever the girl is that he ends up with, will be very deserving of this man's company. He is something different and he is definitely worth being with. And if he's reading this, he knows exactly that this is about him. He probably won't believe me, but I do think you're awesome! And I mean everything I've just said.

Anyway, back on topic before I get too sentimental (haha!), he proved that men aren't all the same. I told him that although he might have done this, he was only one man in a million, to which he replied 'That's all you need for hope'. He's smart I tell you. Because, he was right. (Shock horror, I'm admitting a man was right?! haha!). I'm still going to be cautious when I meet new men but I know deep down inside of me, there will be a hope that this one might not be a bastard!

And that hope will be generated from my experience with the man I've just been talking about. And I know, if ever he reads this, he will be smiling about it! I just wanted to share this experience with you and hopefully one day, if you are anything like me, you might meet a man who changes your view, if only slightly.

So now, I'm going to leave this entry with an analogy and hopefully, he might take something from it, and if not, I hope he just smiles! So, here it is:

Life is like dancing on clouds, it's fun, but kind of pointless, until you find someone to dance on clouds with.

My Business Is To Create!

I was feeling a little stressed out earlier so I made a post in my private journal. In that post I wrote:

“Sometimes I just wish that I could just do what I want to do. Just sit around and write. And drink tea. And laugh and be happy and somewhat carefree.

Unfortunately for all of us, life isn't like that.”

I was later discussing this with a friend and he told me how he and his other friend had some kind of connection for business, but it’s locked. He said that they feel they are both here for a greater purpose. They’re made to do something more. They just don’t know what it is yet.

And this got me thinking. Are we all here for a greater purpose? A greater purpose – let’s define that. If you do something for a greater purpose, you are doing it for something else. For a reason other than yourself. We may not know what that reason is but what we do know is that it feels right to be doing it. A greater purpose – it’s almost something divine – but let’s not bring religion into this.

I was once informed that, “To understand is to inspire”. I have thought about this long and hard. It’s a short but meaningful statement. And what I deduced from it is that, if you can understand someone’s situation, if you have experienced something similar, or if you just know what someone is talking about and you really understand it, then you are able to inspire that person. Now, in logic, it seems a little silly. But let’s think about it. If you are able to understand someone’s situation, say you might have experienced it yourself before, then you are able to inspire them. It makes sense. If you give someone advice about the situation then they will think about it (though they might deny it). But they will go away and think about it and they might act upon that advice. And therefore, by understanding their situation and giving your ideas/opinions/advice, you have inspired that person to take a further action in order to possibly improve that situation for them. And therefore, you have understood, and you have inspired.

So let’s take all this and relate it to myself. Essentially, I am a writer. I have a genuine passion for writing poems, stories, prose, scripts etc. It’s something I enjoy. And I do it for a purpose (believe it or not). With everything I write, I hope that if someone ever reads it, that they may feel inspired. In saying that though, some of my poetry can be rather depressing and I hope I don’t inspire people to take the path I chose, but to take the other one. In essence, when I write poetry or whatever, I hope that people are inspired by my experiences to do something about their own, if they understand it. On many rare occasions I have inspired someone somewhere and they have told me. And this has made me feel extremely happy, because I fulfilled the purpose I intended too. But is this my greater purpose? Am I destined to write forever in order to inspire others? (Not that I’m complaining…).

Whilst I was away off in thinking land, thinking about all of this, a quote came to my mind. I recently went to see a movie for the third time (it was a good movie!) and this quote had never been brought to my attention until I heard it. I know little about the author who wrote it, though I know it was taken from a somewhat religious ‘story’. The man I am talking about is Mister William Blake, who in his book Jerusalem, wrote:

"I must create a system or be enslaved by another mans; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create."

The part that got me, was the ‘my business is to create’. This is quite apt and is also the part that is significant in the movie. If I want to make people understand, if I want to inspire them, obviously I’ve got to create something. So that’s what I do. I create entries on blogs (i.e. here...), I take photographs and I write poems/stories/scripts/prose. I create, to make people understand and to inspire them. Essentially, it IS my business to create.

So, I’m not going to go on anymore, I’ve already posed quite a lot of things that you might want to think about. And I hope that whenever you read my blog, that one day you might feel inspired and if not, I just hope that you enjoy it. And perhaps, you might discover your own greater purpose, perhaps you already know it and maybe just maybe, our purposes might cross paths. But who knows?